May 2018

went to Shakti festival, now I'm back, man I just wish I had a journal with empty pages so I'm writing on here.

The main thing is that I was given some hope of a possible diagnosis- a mutation that affects the processing of epithelial cells, mainly, or possibly an electrolyte disorder.

This was from a woman named Helen Harrison, friend of Fred's, who I met with and she said that she had been living with chronic health problems for decades until she figured it out for herself that she had a connective tissue disorder (which genetic testing revealed).

Then, she experienced a fast, easy?, complete cure after taking a supplement and avoiding phenolic foods (aka fruits and vegetables).

So basically, now here I am, with my own pain issues, and thinking that 'that could be me too'- I could have this disorder, (finally! This IS IT!), and I could be cured just like she was, I could have a pain-free life.  ...

So, of course, as is typical for me, I am getting completely ahead of myself, hopeful, only to have my hopes come crashing down amidst all my pain at a later date (precisely two-four months later, since she is giving me the supplement for four months).

Then when I'm back to my typical pain, it will be 'worse'- because now it will really go on forever.  Nothing to stop me from thinking that it could get better.  So, I will be fixed to a hopeless, helpless life - in - pain.

See?  See how getting my hopes up really causes problems?!  I mean obviously I can go on- I've been doing it all these years anyways.  (That's the rational side of me that I don't like.  The real side of me wants to throw up my head, cry at this terrible fate of chronic unbeatable pain, hate my life, and tell people how terrible it is, and have an emotional release- of pure devastation).

So, its sad.  See- I might learn that I have a mutation, and that there's nothing I can do about it.  For example- Helen's pills might not work, or not work very well, or work for a week and then stop working, or I might get into a car accident- or whatever.  We don't really know.  The only thing I know is that I don't expect a hundred percent cure (okay- I do expect it, and that is what is driving me crazy).  Plus the anticipation- She didn't say when I will start to receive the supplements.