The updates are- I've pretty much gotten my forehead to relax compared to how it used to be, and my forehead looks smoother and more pretty and normal than it used to, as a result. It is a mix of Cymbalta making me a little more relaxed, and the pretty interesting things I've been doing, Feldenkrais style. Such as- holding my forehead, and then feeling into my eyes and realizing that my eyes are not in my eye sockets- they are tight and fixed about half an inch above it. Then the muscle clicks and it relaxes.
Pretty crazy, I never used to be able to feel and do things with my body like that before I did Feldenkrais. And sometimes I move my eyes back and forth to put my facial muscles into place instead of being tight. It reminds me of what I've read of EMDR, and I do think that people would be pretty interested to hear about it, although I am not sure they'd get what I mean or not.
Although it works, it doesn't really doesn't fix whatever problem is going on that's making me tight in the first place. So I am working on that and seeing lots of doctors, but little to not progress.
I don't really have any friends. Blech. I do kind of hate my life, although when I think of a busier social life I don't feel very interested in that.
Surprisingly my thyroid tested bad for the first time in my life. I'll get a retest to see if that was just a bad test or if there really is an issue. If there is- blech, even more health problems to control.
For the last - 6 months, year? I've practically stopped eating. I don't like to discuss it because I'm worried that people will think strangely or badly of me. But, I basically get by on maybe 400 calories a day. Oddly, I'm not really that skinny. And I'm definitely not hungry.
Sadly, I didn't get my period again this year, even though I tried the Takesumi detox stuff once again.
So, I'm going on birth control, and that is supposed to affect me systemically too, so that is even more symptoms to watch out for.
Man, I'm going to be pretty unhappy when I no longer have health care (in a year and a half, when my mom retires). I love my doctors, they are a highlight of my life because they listen to me and I'm open with them and they are trying to help me. But as I will have to learn, all good things must come to an end. I will have to learn to get by even with things not as I wish them to be. I probably won't learn that lesson and will just hate my life, knowing me though.
I don't even feel thankful that I have healthcare. I just feel like I need it and I feel kind of crappy about myself (there goes the pain talking). I have incredible doctors (as in very skilled, smart, and compassionate as well). Every single one of them. And my copays and blood tests or other lab tests are incredibly cheap. I haven't even gotten billed for them, and I've gotten blood tests and stool tests and urine tests multiple times this year.
That reminds me- I got a C. diff infection after my antibiotics (after the ER gave me a broad-spectrum one, in thinking wrongly that I had a UTI). Ugghh. It hurt. It would be a terrible way to die. Since I'm kind of a hypochondriac, I thought it might kill me, and that was very scary, the stuff I was reading online. But, I took Vancomycin- an antibiotic, which worked, and now I hardly think about it. It is good/lucky that I took it quickly due to my excellent healthcare, and survived without any long term complications.
I kind of wish my parents would just say here Marissa, we've got tons of money, just take it and don't worry about it. We love you and we can share.
But, A) They wouldn't say that unless they change B) I wouldn't even say that to someone, I'm really stingy and not generous, and I am the one that should be sympathetic! It would take alot of changing on my part too, to be free financially with someone without reciprocation
My insomnia has been pretty crazy. I have no recollection of what it is like to feel tired. Although I know it was like this throughout all of high school and college- I never felt 'tired', so it hasn't changed much. But, what has changed is that now I just stay up all night, instead of at some point falling asleep even without tiredness. Now that doesn't even happen.
Unfortunately, Cymbalta gives me some really intense dreaming and therefore I am stuck at my small dose, because the dreams will make me all tight at night and in alot of pain in the morning. Lame.
I really tried to stick it out with Cymbalta and be on an antidepressant for more than 2 weeks. I've made it an entire two months. I should be congratulated for that. I had an incredibly terrible time when I started- dizziness and staying up all night. I never would have stuck with it except that I was in a personal competition to stay on antidepressants long enough so that Sari couldn't tell me I keep quitting them too early. Lol. And, as it turns out, those bad symptoms from the first weeks did go away (huh! All along I thought stuff like that wouldn't go away when I was on past antidepressants). Now I have no obvious symptoms, just I feel somewhat less overthinking and better quality sleep (yay!), but nightmares and intense dreams(not yay).
I didn't bother with this for years- but I finally took Restoril due to Sari's encouragement, and well- it did make me sleep. Who's to say that I shouldn't take it every night..? If I become addicted to it, is that any worse than not being able to sleep naturally?
Its kind of silly.
Other changes- So- while I can barely move, and my back hurts all the time, so I do not walk more than a few steps and do not do my laundry (UGH), my body does feel better than it did a year ago.
I am extremely aware now of what is wrong with my posture. My entire back is bent too much forward, my legs and hips and fixed in place, my stomach is tight, and my neck can't move and on top of that, is stuck in forward-head syndrome.
Now, I would have thought that 'understanding' that would lead to my being able to 'fix' it. But as it turns out, I just can't move. So whatever movements I do to release my muscles, they just end up tightening up again. I say this after having spent countless hours, whole days, and actually months now, on body awareness. And the hard fact to face is that its not working. There is something else going on that is making me so tight and unable to move. Maybe this would be obvious to an outsider- I am only 28 and previously athletic, and now I can't walk, but anyways, to me its not obvious. While I think it is largely due to the (supposed) Candida infection, given my huge response to Fluconazole, I can't say for sure that that's really what it is.
Oh god, Fluconazole- how I miss waking up without joint pain, being able to self massage- click click, my muscles would release in my hamstrings, my face not all tight. And the food- the fact that I could eat fruit! That was pretty cool.
I have much less of a response to Fluconzaole anymore (and sometimes no response). I think that the Candida may have become Fluconazole-resistant, and that is why I can't feel it anymore. Well- its just a guess. Like everything I come up with, it makes sense to me but I'm not a doctor and am often wrong. But it sounds so plausible! lol
So anyways, I think of asking my doctor for a different anti-fungal, but then I'm so incredible distracted by so many other health issues and things to look into, I haven't gotten around to asking that specifically.
I am in general doing 'poor-to-okay', meaning that I'm not going into any severe depressions, but I just simply am hanging out at home and not applying my mind, all day every day.
I don't have a job. I don't want a job because my body hurts to much to sit or focus for extended periods. But, sometimes at Landmark I'm talking and stuff and my body feels so much better, so I don't know! I mean, I could expect that from a job- the getting out of my head which makes my body feel better-, but I simply can't deal with the other issues that it takes- putting on clothes, walking from the parking lot, being hot/cold/sick in my stomach. Ugh. I'm not being dealt a ton of crap for not working, and I would say it bothers me less than it used to, but it still bothers me.
One insight which has been really interesting for me is the simple fact that man- my health / flexibility has really gotten WORSE in the past few years. I have this mindset that it will always, always get better, always get back to health, that I'm young and I 'should' be strong. And then when it comes down to it, I didn't have a back problem like this when I was in college - I was still running, and I was dancing salsa a few years ago, and now I can barely walk. And- I truly have no idea why. But as far as accepting this, its been pretty odd for me to realize that people can get worse, that situations and health can change for the worse, just because, not for any good reason. I can't even imagine how it feels to be old and know that your health is just in permanent decline, no 'cure' to even look forward to. Because its scary being messed up and not having a cure. I am messed up and while I don't have a definite avenue for a cure, I spend every freaking day looking into things that might change the course of my health to normalcy.
And I am lucky in that now I can say (or at least think)- "Its the fungal infection, its not ME".
Whereas it used to be just everything was my fault, to my mind. Although, I'm still shy about mentioning it, lol. Plus there's a lot else wrong. Such as, maybe my PCOS is just getting beyond the edge of control, who knows? (Apparently its an inflammatory disorder).
