I love therapy and talking about people's feelings, but I don't think I should be a therapist.
How are you supposed to know whats the right thing to say to someone?
For example: Client 'I did this wrong, I can't do anything'.
Therapist response options:
Therapist 1: How does that make you feel to say that?
Therapist 2: What kinds of feelings does that bring up for you?
Therapist 3: What would you tell your friend who said that?
Therapist 4: Nods in understanding of client's pain
Therapist 5: Holds clients pain and empathizes with them
Therapist 6: "normalizing" says- It is normal to do things wrong. Everyone does.
Therapist 7: "shifting perspectives to more positivity"says- What else did you do, or have done, right?
Therapist 8: How can you learn from this mistake?
Therapist 9: Does this relate to something you have done in the past?
Therapist 10: Would you like to start feeling better? Have some compassion for yourself.
And the clients possible responses:
Client 1: Therapist just asks more questions, frustration.
Client 2: Yeah, I don't do everything wrong - feels better.
Client 3: I do everything wrong and the whole world hates me --feels worse.
Client 4: feels understood by the Therapist - feels better.
Client 5: I feel angry at myself, I feel inadequate, I feel stupid, I feel like a loser.
Client 6: jeez, couldn't the Therapist say something comforting like, its okay, people make mistakes
Client 7: 'everyone makes mistakes', the Therapist doesn't realize how big my problems are
Client 8: I could learn to just stop trying - feels worse.
Client 9: My mom told me I do everything wrong, so did him, and her.
Client 10: Yes but I'm angry so I can't - feels trapped.
etc
And in another vein, I am also bothered by the idea of self help, where you pick up and discard helpful things along the way of your never ending personal growth process.. I used to go to Shambhala for a general discussion on whatever, which always turned out to be a general discussion on self-help tips, tools, practices, and wisdom.
And the problem is that everybody is always searching for wisdom that will make things better. But better just isn't feasible to me because its too ambiguous. There's no limit to betterment, and you will always want to get better, even if you are at a better state than your current state. There's no way to know that its helping 'enough' and there is no enough! For example, since I went to that string of yoga classes, I'm better - I worked my body, and made myself go out, so something nice happened. But how much better? If I didn't go, I am not worse off, but to some degree I am not better-off, right? And if I learn and try techniques for wisdom like getting in touch with yourself, helping others, exercise, positivity, do I ever get ahead of the game? Or do I simply always straggle onwards, looking for the next thing to make things somewhat but not substantially better?
I just don't think I could handle doing therapy as a therapist. I want to see someone all better, and as soon as possible. I don't want to see them a little better, or worse! People could go to therapy forever since there is always something wrong, and I don't want to see that. I want to help them, but not just help a little. I don't want to have conflict over accepting someone for who they are now, and simultaneously helping them to get to their goals, to a higher/better state. Its just too ambiguous! I don't understand or accept the fact that there is an ongoing process of maturing growth and development. I am all over the place with this. If on a given day, I have a bit of wisdom that helps me out, and then another day a different piece of wisdom that helps me in a different way, how can it all fit together?
For example: 'No pain, no gain' (work hard!), 'joyful effort'(if you are joyous doing something, it won't feel like effort!), meditate (cool your thoughts), love (let your heart expand!), don't isolate, be connected (be social), rejoice, plant seeds, help others (get the focus off yourself) and on and on and on.
I truly don't understand the point of self improvement sometimes, its just seems endless, and why be so bothered as to live with an endless task? People are so wanting to feel better, but why follow and grasp at all these little tidbits that don't fully seem to help.
I guess I am learning from this post that I need to see things more long term, and accept that there will be multiple parts included in a whole process. But, I want to simplify! A process, change over time, and all these parts just sounds complicated. Be here, be now, Marissa, it may yet work out.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I have the time for you
This could even be a mantra, its that good ...
Here's how it came about: I've noticed that I am only able to feel body sensations when I make significant effort to still my thoughts. They need to slow down in order to recede out of my awareness. And when they do, I don't feel so restless. My too-fast thinking makes me feel too restless. And then when my thinking is slower, suddenly I have the time to feel caring towards others - people, creatures, things, and not be so focused on myself.
I've been telling myself in a variety of situations, 'I have the time for you'. Petting my dog - I have the time for you. I have the time for your wagging and your jumping and leaning. I have the time for you.
This week I did a meetup event that only one person showed up to. I didn't have a particularly good time or connect well with the guy. But I remembered that I was there to help, that my goal is to help others, so I tried with more effort to lend him my company while we were together. I tried harder to laugh at things I didn't like, etc, to make him feel better. Normally, I would have been almost angry at having to spend time with someone I dislike, and fall into mute bothered conversation or thoughts in silence. So, it helped me out a little - not fully, but somewhat.
The Meetup group is called 'Social Anxiety Busters'; its a group for shy people / people with social anxiety. Its almost a definite that people in this group are lonely to a large extent. The link between depression and loneliness, and social anxiety disorder is so strong its really spelled out for you; the acronym for Social Anxiety Disorder is SAD.
I have the time for you. That's all it takes. I'm here, now, and I have the time for you. With that in mind, its just so easy to be caring and pay attention to others needs.
The amazing part is that, while I didn't have a great time of the get together, it was all worth it to me because at the end I got feedback from the guy -'I'm glad I came out, I had a good time. Lets do it again'.
I felt so proud of myself for helping him. I had succeeded in my goal. Through kindness, and taking the attention off my needs, and simply allowing him a decent chance that he deserved, he had improved. All I needed to do was allow him my time and keep my mind on task, and the kindness and caring wafted out naturally. I think that's beautiful how it worked out. I'm always so highly wanting of feedback, and I received positive feedback without even trying for it.
And when you have so much time for someone, you just become more fully devoted to them. I swear, there is all the difference between ignoring my dog as I came home, 'fine' to see her but a little bothered by her since I feel preoccupied, versus petting her in adoration and feeling her tail hit me in her doggie joy.
Don't believe yourself for feeling preoccupied. Don't believe everything you think. I think I am preoccupied and don't have the time - don't have the time to sit down and eat well or even cook food, don't have the time to watch videos people put on facebook. Its so untrue, inaccurate. When I think about it, I am unemployed, and have all the time in the world. But my mind preoccupations convinces me otherwise. Instead of feeling peaceful and connected as I should, I really do feel a restless and heightened sense of isolation in my preoccupied state.
So for you, and for myself too: I have the time for you. I have the time to care for you, and to care for you well. I'm not in a hurry and don't need to believe my mind that something is wrong or lacking. Its not, so long as I am making contact with something that I can support or help. All I need is a distraction, and its up to me to choose distractions that I value (learning, helping) or distractions that I don't value (mind wander, disengagement from life).
I've gotten much better at using facebook to support my goals of helping others. Initially I just wanted to see who had liked my posts. But now, everytime I log on, I scroll through all the new posts and try to watch everyone's posts and video shares equally so that they know they are being viewed and heard. I'm even trying to comment more out of the karma principle of giving what you want to get (more feedback). I find that scary because I don't know if people think its weird that I comment on their posts if we aren't good friends, but its something I'm trying and I think its going great.
To extend 'I will have time for you' to an even greater degree: in the future, I will have time for you, and then I will grow more generous with my time. I will have so much time for you, as the time dominated by my mind recedes and I start really caring for the world. I will have all the time that you need - all the time for company, and cries, and laugher. I will have the money for you - I will get better at sharing. I will have the strength for you. I will have the love for you, the passion for you, the support I will have the time for you, whether or not I like you, you still deserve it; you deserve to know that you matter, and I can show you this by having the time to be attentive to you.
It would help me out, too.
I have the time to let you discover your true goodness, and mine.
Here's how it came about: I've noticed that I am only able to feel body sensations when I make significant effort to still my thoughts. They need to slow down in order to recede out of my awareness. And when they do, I don't feel so restless. My too-fast thinking makes me feel too restless. And then when my thinking is slower, suddenly I have the time to feel caring towards others - people, creatures, things, and not be so focused on myself.
I've been telling myself in a variety of situations, 'I have the time for you'. Petting my dog - I have the time for you. I have the time for your wagging and your jumping and leaning. I have the time for you.
This week I did a meetup event that only one person showed up to. I didn't have a particularly good time or connect well with the guy. But I remembered that I was there to help, that my goal is to help others, so I tried with more effort to lend him my company while we were together. I tried harder to laugh at things I didn't like, etc, to make him feel better. Normally, I would have been almost angry at having to spend time with someone I dislike, and fall into mute bothered conversation or thoughts in silence. So, it helped me out a little - not fully, but somewhat.
The Meetup group is called 'Social Anxiety Busters'; its a group for shy people / people with social anxiety. Its almost a definite that people in this group are lonely to a large extent. The link between depression and loneliness, and social anxiety disorder is so strong its really spelled out for you; the acronym for Social Anxiety Disorder is SAD.
I have the time for you. That's all it takes. I'm here, now, and I have the time for you. With that in mind, its just so easy to be caring and pay attention to others needs.
The amazing part is that, while I didn't have a great time of the get together, it was all worth it to me because at the end I got feedback from the guy -'I'm glad I came out, I had a good time. Lets do it again'.
I felt so proud of myself for helping him. I had succeeded in my goal. Through kindness, and taking the attention off my needs, and simply allowing him a decent chance that he deserved, he had improved. All I needed to do was allow him my time and keep my mind on task, and the kindness and caring wafted out naturally. I think that's beautiful how it worked out. I'm always so highly wanting of feedback, and I received positive feedback without even trying for it.
And when you have so much time for someone, you just become more fully devoted to them. I swear, there is all the difference between ignoring my dog as I came home, 'fine' to see her but a little bothered by her since I feel preoccupied, versus petting her in adoration and feeling her tail hit me in her doggie joy.
Don't believe yourself for feeling preoccupied. Don't believe everything you think. I think I am preoccupied and don't have the time - don't have the time to sit down and eat well or even cook food, don't have the time to watch videos people put on facebook. Its so untrue, inaccurate. When I think about it, I am unemployed, and have all the time in the world. But my mind preoccupations convinces me otherwise. Instead of feeling peaceful and connected as I should, I really do feel a restless and heightened sense of isolation in my preoccupied state.
So for you, and for myself too: I have the time for you. I have the time to care for you, and to care for you well. I'm not in a hurry and don't need to believe my mind that something is wrong or lacking. Its not, so long as I am making contact with something that I can support or help. All I need is a distraction, and its up to me to choose distractions that I value (learning, helping) or distractions that I don't value (mind wander, disengagement from life).
I've gotten much better at using facebook to support my goals of helping others. Initially I just wanted to see who had liked my posts. But now, everytime I log on, I scroll through all the new posts and try to watch everyone's posts and video shares equally so that they know they are being viewed and heard. I'm even trying to comment more out of the karma principle of giving what you want to get (more feedback). I find that scary because I don't know if people think its weird that I comment on their posts if we aren't good friends, but its something I'm trying and I think its going great.
To extend 'I will have time for you' to an even greater degree: in the future, I will have time for you, and then I will grow more generous with my time. I will have so much time for you, as the time dominated by my mind recedes and I start really caring for the world. I will have all the time that you need - all the time for company, and cries, and laugher. I will have the money for you - I will get better at sharing. I will have the strength for you. I will have the love for you, the passion for you, the support I will have the time for you, whether or not I like you, you still deserve it; you deserve to know that you matter, and I can show you this by having the time to be attentive to you.
It would help me out, too.
I have the time to let you discover your true goodness, and mine.
Oodles of Regrets
I literally function constantly on this stupid wavelength where I am always judging my minute to minute, and increased scale, activity and activity doings. I go back and forth in judgment of whether or not it was worth it, what I should have done differently, what I learnt from it. My introspection is top notch, but its also really annoying and feels compulsive.
For example, I got to the Korean grocery store, Zion, that's walking distance from my house. I get a little lost in my head whenever I go to buy groceries. I literally wander the floor, looking at every item, and without much intention of buying anything, but open to it looking at things. I compare prices everywhere I look. I look at everything with a coupon sign and nothing that's not a discounted item. I look at different types of milk, which I rarely drink, comparing their prices to Albertsons. I get tired of the lights inside, but I keep wandering the store.
I finally decide on what to buy - I get a small processed sweet, usually, like a red bean bun. As I'm leaving I get strung with a million regrets. Why did I stay in the store that long? I don't even like being in the store, everyone is Asian but me. But its cheap. But I didn't buy vegetables, and I am always supposed to buy vegetables when I got to a grocery store. But they were expensive. But I could've bought a vegetable and it would have cost less than this red bean thing, and now I see on the ingredient list that the first thing was sugar, not red bean, so it was a stupid purchase anyways. I spent an entire 40 minutes in the store and the one thing I bought wasn't up to my standards. How stupid, what a waste.
Then I think all about how its nicer being outside - fresh air, why did I stay inside so long? But then again, I have nothing to do today, so it doesn't really matter how long. But wasn't it still worthless to spend that long inside, instead of outdoors, and especially when I ended up spending money on this red bean thing? Then since it cost $2.03, I had to get $0.93 back in change, and I hate coins.
You get the point. I go through these excessive regret and judgment cycles with literally everything I do. Judgements, should-of's, and regret at not doing what I should have done, and then false wisdom as I see how that was what I needed. Usually, I think I somehow should have been doing something else more worthwhile, and it only makes sense to me to judge myself for not having done that.
Anyways, point being, that I want to stop the regrets and judgments surrounding everything. The obvious way to do that is to just be present, since if you're present, those regrets and judgements aren't happening and are thus of no concern. Things that you think about are never really happening. They are hardly ever fixed to the present moment, even though they may be triggered by something present. They aren't the real thing. And they suck! I hate going through these regret spirals where I always learn something from, like 'I should get better at knowing what I want when I go grocery shopping', and at that moment I understand a little bit more of my world.
But they never make me feel any better. I can understand and introspect all I want, and it never seems to make things any better. I don't want to learn and grow an introspect. I don't want to be in my head. I'm never trying to make things better, and there's no intention at all, its just mind wander. Since mind wander hasn't been working for me in the past, its necessary that I learn to try to be present, since I do believe that will give me feelings that I value of curiosity and wonder, and hopefully connection. When in contrast, my introspection is very isolating, because its all about me, and doesn't serve to open me paths to other people or things, for the most part.
I've been thinking of absolutely the funniest things recently in my mind wander. Like, 'Marissa, you are cold all the time, think warming thoughts! Curiosity is bright'. I'm not sure how these fit it in because right now, my mind is at times delighting me. But its a small amount of time, compared to the plain mind wander over past events.
I know to be true, by reading, and a little by personal experience, that being present is really a good thing and is a positive goal to move towards. You can literally choose to be in the present at absolutely any point at any time, its not something that needs to be put off. As in, its not something hard or that you have to learn the theoretics of, before doing. So why would I endlessly put it off? I find it scary. Currently, I find it scary. That's something that can change.
For example, I got to the Korean grocery store, Zion, that's walking distance from my house. I get a little lost in my head whenever I go to buy groceries. I literally wander the floor, looking at every item, and without much intention of buying anything, but open to it looking at things. I compare prices everywhere I look. I look at everything with a coupon sign and nothing that's not a discounted item. I look at different types of milk, which I rarely drink, comparing their prices to Albertsons. I get tired of the lights inside, but I keep wandering the store.
I finally decide on what to buy - I get a small processed sweet, usually, like a red bean bun. As I'm leaving I get strung with a million regrets. Why did I stay in the store that long? I don't even like being in the store, everyone is Asian but me. But its cheap. But I didn't buy vegetables, and I am always supposed to buy vegetables when I got to a grocery store. But they were expensive. But I could've bought a vegetable and it would have cost less than this red bean thing, and now I see on the ingredient list that the first thing was sugar, not red bean, so it was a stupid purchase anyways. I spent an entire 40 minutes in the store and the one thing I bought wasn't up to my standards. How stupid, what a waste.
Then I think all about how its nicer being outside - fresh air, why did I stay inside so long? But then again, I have nothing to do today, so it doesn't really matter how long. But wasn't it still worthless to spend that long inside, instead of outdoors, and especially when I ended up spending money on this red bean thing? Then since it cost $2.03, I had to get $0.93 back in change, and I hate coins.
You get the point. I go through these excessive regret and judgment cycles with literally everything I do. Judgements, should-of's, and regret at not doing what I should have done, and then false wisdom as I see how that was what I needed. Usually, I think I somehow should have been doing something else more worthwhile, and it only makes sense to me to judge myself for not having done that.
Anyways, point being, that I want to stop the regrets and judgments surrounding everything. The obvious way to do that is to just be present, since if you're present, those regrets and judgements aren't happening and are thus of no concern. Things that you think about are never really happening. They are hardly ever fixed to the present moment, even though they may be triggered by something present. They aren't the real thing. And they suck! I hate going through these regret spirals where I always learn something from, like 'I should get better at knowing what I want when I go grocery shopping', and at that moment I understand a little bit more of my world.
But they never make me feel any better. I can understand and introspect all I want, and it never seems to make things any better. I don't want to learn and grow an introspect. I don't want to be in my head. I'm never trying to make things better, and there's no intention at all, its just mind wander. Since mind wander hasn't been working for me in the past, its necessary that I learn to try to be present, since I do believe that will give me feelings that I value of curiosity and wonder, and hopefully connection. When in contrast, my introspection is very isolating, because its all about me, and doesn't serve to open me paths to other people or things, for the most part.
I've been thinking of absolutely the funniest things recently in my mind wander. Like, 'Marissa, you are cold all the time, think warming thoughts! Curiosity is bright'. I'm not sure how these fit it in because right now, my mind is at times delighting me. But its a small amount of time, compared to the plain mind wander over past events.
I know to be true, by reading, and a little by personal experience, that being present is really a good thing and is a positive goal to move towards. You can literally choose to be in the present at absolutely any point at any time, its not something that needs to be put off. As in, its not something hard or that you have to learn the theoretics of, before doing. So why would I endlessly put it off? I find it scary. Currently, I find it scary. That's something that can change.
If I'm Not Paying for it, Its Free
I'm having a lot of guilty conflict over this viewpoint that I seem to have some attachment to: If I'm Not Paying For it, Its Free.
Its a little bizarre how sensitive I am about paying for things, and then how completely blaise I am about the sheer costs of things that I don't pay for. For example, my parents paid for my college tuition. I never once thought to myself, this individual class at UCD cost $1000, Marissa, you should really appreciate this and study hard. I didn't have any sense of gratitude over it and I reacted to the known costs of the program with this sort of override entitlement on 'well its just free'. I even just just recently went out with a guy and let him pay for dinner and the comedy show we went to, and sort of felt bad on an ambiguous level and didn't really consider the costs. I was just thinking of myself, that I'm unemployed. But how do I have any idea of what his costs are, for rent or school loans, and why would I think its fine that he should pay while I still have money in the bank?
Same with insurance, which completely covers my blood draws, but covers minimally if I see someone out of network. I've never thought of the cost of the blood draws knowing that its free. If it wasn't covered, I would feel so stingy, trying to ask the doctor to order fewer tests, and feeling bad about tests ordered that came out negative that would need to be paid for, it would feel useless. But for me currently, my healthcare is free, since my parents pay the premiums and I just pay copays, and I barely think about it. I feel like I should be both guilty and grateful for things that are free. Guilty because, I am getting something and didn't pay for it, and grateful, that I am getting something and didn't pay for it. But if either, I only feel guilty.
Its just infinite: my parents covered my car payments, so they are free. My parents will cover my mental health costs, so they are free. My parents buy groceries, so they are free. My parents pay for my car insurance so my car is free, and they pay for my cell phone too. It would be really problematic and conflicting for me to get a cell phone on my own plan, considering how little I use it, but, I never think about that. You have no idea how much food I eat at home, just because 'its free'. I simply have no sense of the fact of financial burden. And if it feels free, I feel like I can take whatever I want, so long as I'm not paying. I even let my second doctor reorder tests that my first doctor had sent for.
I think it would be okay if I developed gratitude and trust in the system, that sometimes things are free because no one can do everything by themselves. So, first there is trust that this is okay, and then gratitude that I have been helped.
When I did the get results back from my blood tests that were positive that I have a number of severe and chronic food allergies, I took the news well, and that was great. I used a number of positive thoughts to be contrary to getting down, such as 'well I don't really taste my food anyways, so it truly doesn't matter; if I didn't enjoy my last sandwich on bread that much then I can't make a big deal of not being able to eat it', and over feeling regret at not having found out sooner by a past doctor, 'I already would have been in a lot of pain and it would have felt too late, whenever it was found out in the past'.
So, I felt like I dealt with it quite well and if you saw my facebook posts you know that I took the brunt of the news with a zany excitement, focusing on future body health improvement. What was interesting was that my Buddhist teacher, Mira, said 'so great that you have been offered this practical solution'; the key word being offered. I was a little struck. Aren't I entitled to get proper results? I thought I was entitled to the doctors ordering the right tests, as they should know what to do. The thousands of dollars of blood tests that were ordered, the majority negative, didn't I deserve all that so that I could get a correct diagnosis to help myself - isn't that what medicine is all about? But in fact, I hadn't even considered the financial cost of the blood tests which just seemed free to me, since I was paying. Someone somewhere is paying for it! Insurance, my parents, I don't know who, the lab technicians, I don't even know how many people are involved. And I just totally ignored it in my entitled thinking.
I'm not sure whether or not the entitlement is okay or not. But when Mira said 'what you were offered' made me feel more grateful about it, about people having taken the time to draw labs and scan them through a computer, and the doctor and office staff for getting them back to me. It made me feel as though I were receiving good karma from past actions; that my past efforts had made me worthy, as if I wasn't worthy of this news earlier. I'm not sure I agree with this, and am having conflict between the scientific side of 'a test is a test'. But wow, did the word 'offered' make for a different conception of my doctors experience. I felt less entitled to the truth, and more spun into a million factors of existence.
Its Mira who asked me simply to trust in the world. So I want to trust that I got all these blood tests for free, and not feel guilty about it, and not feel entitled to it, or not feel pressure that I necessarily need to help others because I was helped. I wish to feel as though my value as a human being enabled me to have access to much needed results. But that's not how it works - and I am hung up on why I was helped and why it was free to me. I didn't get those results before and by no means has everything been given me that I need just because I am a worthy human, that simply doesn't exist. You perhaps are given your basics of food, water, shelter as a result of being human, but some people don't even get that. Maybe you aren't even necessarily granted respect.
I want to feel grateful for all these things that I have been given - free car, free housing, free education, free/very cheap access to medical care. I can't though, its hard, I end up thinking of all the things I lack and feeling pitiful. I feel distrustful over these free things, that something is wrong or bad that I'm getting them for free. But if its as Mira said, I was offered them, maybe I can disregard some of the conflict over it being free, and be thankful. If anyone gave me a gift, I would say thank you, I wouldn't normally question it this much and get all knotted up in guilt. I wouldn't get caught under mountains of shame at how much I was given and how little I used or shared with others. I would be excited to open it, I would be delighted at being an object of appreciation, I would cherish it, and I would be generous with it. I wish to be generous with my gifts I have been offered.
Its a little bizarre how sensitive I am about paying for things, and then how completely blaise I am about the sheer costs of things that I don't pay for. For example, my parents paid for my college tuition. I never once thought to myself, this individual class at UCD cost $1000, Marissa, you should really appreciate this and study hard. I didn't have any sense of gratitude over it and I reacted to the known costs of the program with this sort of override entitlement on 'well its just free'. I even just just recently went out with a guy and let him pay for dinner and the comedy show we went to, and sort of felt bad on an ambiguous level and didn't really consider the costs. I was just thinking of myself, that I'm unemployed. But how do I have any idea of what his costs are, for rent or school loans, and why would I think its fine that he should pay while I still have money in the bank?
Same with insurance, which completely covers my blood draws, but covers minimally if I see someone out of network. I've never thought of the cost of the blood draws knowing that its free. If it wasn't covered, I would feel so stingy, trying to ask the doctor to order fewer tests, and feeling bad about tests ordered that came out negative that would need to be paid for, it would feel useless. But for me currently, my healthcare is free, since my parents pay the premiums and I just pay copays, and I barely think about it. I feel like I should be both guilty and grateful for things that are free. Guilty because, I am getting something and didn't pay for it, and grateful, that I am getting something and didn't pay for it. But if either, I only feel guilty.
Its just infinite: my parents covered my car payments, so they are free. My parents will cover my mental health costs, so they are free. My parents buy groceries, so they are free. My parents pay for my car insurance so my car is free, and they pay for my cell phone too. It would be really problematic and conflicting for me to get a cell phone on my own plan, considering how little I use it, but, I never think about that. You have no idea how much food I eat at home, just because 'its free'. I simply have no sense of the fact of financial burden. And if it feels free, I feel like I can take whatever I want, so long as I'm not paying. I even let my second doctor reorder tests that my first doctor had sent for.
I think it would be okay if I developed gratitude and trust in the system, that sometimes things are free because no one can do everything by themselves. So, first there is trust that this is okay, and then gratitude that I have been helped.
When I did the get results back from my blood tests that were positive that I have a number of severe and chronic food allergies, I took the news well, and that was great. I used a number of positive thoughts to be contrary to getting down, such as 'well I don't really taste my food anyways, so it truly doesn't matter; if I didn't enjoy my last sandwich on bread that much then I can't make a big deal of not being able to eat it', and over feeling regret at not having found out sooner by a past doctor, 'I already would have been in a lot of pain and it would have felt too late, whenever it was found out in the past'.
So, I felt like I dealt with it quite well and if you saw my facebook posts you know that I took the brunt of the news with a zany excitement, focusing on future body health improvement. What was interesting was that my Buddhist teacher, Mira, said 'so great that you have been offered this practical solution'; the key word being offered. I was a little struck. Aren't I entitled to get proper results? I thought I was entitled to the doctors ordering the right tests, as they should know what to do. The thousands of dollars of blood tests that were ordered, the majority negative, didn't I deserve all that so that I could get a correct diagnosis to help myself - isn't that what medicine is all about? But in fact, I hadn't even considered the financial cost of the blood tests which just seemed free to me, since I was paying. Someone somewhere is paying for it! Insurance, my parents, I don't know who, the lab technicians, I don't even know how many people are involved. And I just totally ignored it in my entitled thinking.
I'm not sure whether or not the entitlement is okay or not. But when Mira said 'what you were offered' made me feel more grateful about it, about people having taken the time to draw labs and scan them through a computer, and the doctor and office staff for getting them back to me. It made me feel as though I were receiving good karma from past actions; that my past efforts had made me worthy, as if I wasn't worthy of this news earlier. I'm not sure I agree with this, and am having conflict between the scientific side of 'a test is a test'. But wow, did the word 'offered' make for a different conception of my doctors experience. I felt less entitled to the truth, and more spun into a million factors of existence.
Its Mira who asked me simply to trust in the world. So I want to trust that I got all these blood tests for free, and not feel guilty about it, and not feel entitled to it, or not feel pressure that I necessarily need to help others because I was helped. I wish to feel as though my value as a human being enabled me to have access to much needed results. But that's not how it works - and I am hung up on why I was helped and why it was free to me. I didn't get those results before and by no means has everything been given me that I need just because I am a worthy human, that simply doesn't exist. You perhaps are given your basics of food, water, shelter as a result of being human, but some people don't even get that. Maybe you aren't even necessarily granted respect.
I want to feel grateful for all these things that I have been given - free car, free housing, free education, free/very cheap access to medical care. I can't though, its hard, I end up thinking of all the things I lack and feeling pitiful. I feel distrustful over these free things, that something is wrong or bad that I'm getting them for free. But if its as Mira said, I was offered them, maybe I can disregard some of the conflict over it being free, and be thankful. If anyone gave me a gift, I would say thank you, I wouldn't normally question it this much and get all knotted up in guilt. I wouldn't get caught under mountains of shame at how much I was given and how little I used or shared with others. I would be excited to open it, I would be delighted at being an object of appreciation, I would cherish it, and I would be generous with it. I wish to be generous with my gifts I have been offered.
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