Alot of times I say to myself that I'm boring, that I have nothing to say. Its really easy to do so, because I look at and watch other people and their conversations are awe-numbingly interesting, funny, creative. They always think of things I never would have thought of.
What did people do before the internet? How was that perfect little virtual space that is yourself and is broadcasted to the world, how was it materialized? The truth is that everyone, before internet and technology, everyone had a blog. A blog is like a personal journal, and its a collection of all your memories; everything but is narrowed down to everything you want to post. I think it speaks volumes that blogs are so personalized and utterly unique. No person can have the same blog (they can share themes, but thats not the same as the content), and no person has the same thoughts, or life experiences. Everyone is different. And blogs are this odd virtual reality that we all get to enjoy to take a peek into someone's life, that instead of the mirror we always see, is whats coming from the mind. Editing aside, most blogs are really journals into the everyday life of everyday people. I think its exciting to remember that each person has their own story to tell.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
why TV cures loneliness
Personally, I find television to be about the greatest thing ever. Aside from that fact that it is riddled with commercials, which are about the worst thing ever, to make you bristling with irritation in a manner of seconds, tv provides me an endless stream of funny entertainment. Well, I had an important personalized-epiphany take place during one of my million google searches into the reason for existence/why my life sucks/commiseration.
This was similarly profound in how correct it was, to the time my high school teacher said 'Ketchup has more sugar than tomatoes, it tastes sweet'. The next time (and all subsequent times) that I tasted ketchup, it didn't taste like ketchup the commodity, it tasted like sugar-paste slathered atop a very plain bun and a salty hot dog. My teacher's reflection shed an important spark of truth on my life. Similarly, it was serendipitous when I discovered online the phrase 'TV cures loneliness'. Now I understand my TV viewing fascination in a new, and more accurate feeling, light. This is in contrast to the typical view that 'TV cures boredom'.
This realization hit me with strength and real dexterity in its applicability to life. Here's some background on why the phrase "TV cures loneliness" is applicable to me and to you. Well, first off, I'm really lonely. Like, really lonely, despairing, sad, down, furious, at my lack of human contact. Not so unrelated as it turns out, I have a pretty standard schedule that occurs for when I come home daily: put stuff down, open the fridge, grab food, and turn on my laptop to the internet, or TV, or both.
What do you look at when you watch television? You are seeing humans, in all forms - humans who work, humans who do stuff about their lives, houses, streets, nature, places. And you are experiencing human contact - by listening to voices, voices that chatter, talk, laugh, cry. Faces that contain facial expressions. For the sake of this article, I am slimming down TV and shaving off plot, engaged interest, learning. Rather, I'm talking about the sensation of perception of human contact that occurs instantaneously with viewing a human face. I think that many people would argue that, TV is all actors, and so you don't really engage with the characters onscreen, you obviously you are forever separated by them, from a tube. I would contend that, rather, you are having a direct experience of contact - not of reality, but of contact. Not of face to face contact, no, but its contact nonetheless. The same occurs when you look at a picture. To separate from digital, lets say a printed out picture, tangible. You can touch the picture, but you can't touch of sense the object of your perception. Nonetheless, it is contact. Pictures of anybody, even people you don't know, you still find it engaging, watching these people, looking at their eyes and faces.
Humans are obsessed with humans.
We can't help it, and we wouldn't survive if we didn't. Maybe its a survival tactic, to be so obsessed with ones own kind. Seeing humans, even seeing an old abandoned building, is still a mark of humanity, and provides contact. Even contact that is unwanted - contact with strangers on the subway, on the streets, its all a form of perceiving humans. It can be digital - TV, which is so easy to engage in for its personal privacy. There's nowhere safer than the couch, is there? You get to do all your watching and contacting, with no bounds of fear of staring. You get to choose the object of your contact, so never fear boredom. Same with the internet - youtube, chatboards. Another example is music, radio. Its distracting, sure, but for distraction we could just put on white noise. No - we choose to listen to radio because we love to hear the sound of a human voice. When you are driving around, alone, isn't it such a relief to hear a song playing, to engage with a voice?
And contact provides a relief from loneliness. For me its not subtle, and it is immediate.
I was going to talk about the relief of seeing an encampment or any trace of humans, when you are out in nature. But maybe this just shows my current disconnect with nature. Possibly, nature should provide as much contact relief as humanity, but for me it doesn't. It just seems distant and odd, even in beauty.
Back to the idea of TV curing loneliness: that's why I was strongly stuck in that routine of turning on the TV and internet immediately as I returned home. I've never gotten into the habit of playing music, but same goes. My mind, body and soul, are constantly anxious for, hungering for, contact with humanity. And, as felt like the best of my abilities- TV provided it, as did youtube. All this entertainment, it wasn't solely because I was bored, it was because I am desperately lonely. My point of contact resides on a screen, since I live in the digital age. I am so painfully lonely that I need it on, immediately. I get really excited coming to texts, emails too. I'd prefer these over TC. But for now, and in all my past, my constant fuel stream of loneliness is pampered and soothed, by the easy guise of boredom-curing entertainment.
This was similarly profound in how correct it was, to the time my high school teacher said 'Ketchup has more sugar than tomatoes, it tastes sweet'. The next time (and all subsequent times) that I tasted ketchup, it didn't taste like ketchup the commodity, it tasted like sugar-paste slathered atop a very plain bun and a salty hot dog. My teacher's reflection shed an important spark of truth on my life. Similarly, it was serendipitous when I discovered online the phrase 'TV cures loneliness'. Now I understand my TV viewing fascination in a new, and more accurate feeling, light. This is in contrast to the typical view that 'TV cures boredom'.
This realization hit me with strength and real dexterity in its applicability to life. Here's some background on why the phrase "TV cures loneliness" is applicable to me and to you. Well, first off, I'm really lonely. Like, really lonely, despairing, sad, down, furious, at my lack of human contact. Not so unrelated as it turns out, I have a pretty standard schedule that occurs for when I come home daily: put stuff down, open the fridge, grab food, and turn on my laptop to the internet, or TV, or both.
What do you look at when you watch television? You are seeing humans, in all forms - humans who work, humans who do stuff about their lives, houses, streets, nature, places. And you are experiencing human contact - by listening to voices, voices that chatter, talk, laugh, cry. Faces that contain facial expressions. For the sake of this article, I am slimming down TV and shaving off plot, engaged interest, learning. Rather, I'm talking about the sensation of perception of human contact that occurs instantaneously with viewing a human face. I think that many people would argue that, TV is all actors, and so you don't really engage with the characters onscreen, you obviously you are forever separated by them, from a tube. I would contend that, rather, you are having a direct experience of contact - not of reality, but of contact. Not of face to face contact, no, but its contact nonetheless. The same occurs when you look at a picture. To separate from digital, lets say a printed out picture, tangible. You can touch the picture, but you can't touch of sense the object of your perception. Nonetheless, it is contact. Pictures of anybody, even people you don't know, you still find it engaging, watching these people, looking at their eyes and faces.
Humans are obsessed with humans.
We can't help it, and we wouldn't survive if we didn't. Maybe its a survival tactic, to be so obsessed with ones own kind. Seeing humans, even seeing an old abandoned building, is still a mark of humanity, and provides contact. Even contact that is unwanted - contact with strangers on the subway, on the streets, its all a form of perceiving humans. It can be digital - TV, which is so easy to engage in for its personal privacy. There's nowhere safer than the couch, is there? You get to do all your watching and contacting, with no bounds of fear of staring. You get to choose the object of your contact, so never fear boredom. Same with the internet - youtube, chatboards. Another example is music, radio. Its distracting, sure, but for distraction we could just put on white noise. No - we choose to listen to radio because we love to hear the sound of a human voice. When you are driving around, alone, isn't it such a relief to hear a song playing, to engage with a voice?
And contact provides a relief from loneliness. For me its not subtle, and it is immediate.
I was going to talk about the relief of seeing an encampment or any trace of humans, when you are out in nature. But maybe this just shows my current disconnect with nature. Possibly, nature should provide as much contact relief as humanity, but for me it doesn't. It just seems distant and odd, even in beauty.
Back to the idea of TV curing loneliness: that's why I was strongly stuck in that routine of turning on the TV and internet immediately as I returned home. I've never gotten into the habit of playing music, but same goes. My mind, body and soul, are constantly anxious for, hungering for, contact with humanity. And, as felt like the best of my abilities- TV provided it, as did youtube. All this entertainment, it wasn't solely because I was bored, it was because I am desperately lonely. My point of contact resides on a screen, since I live in the digital age. I am so painfully lonely that I need it on, immediately. I get really excited coming to texts, emails too. I'd prefer these over TC. But for now, and in all my past, my constant fuel stream of loneliness is pampered and soothed, by the easy guise of boredom-curing entertainment.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
More Thoughts on Thinking
"Don't believe everything you think" is an especially apt phrase for a therapists office. If you haven't been to therapy, or if you have, you probably know that a lot of time in therapy is spent talking about your thoughts and feelings. As it turns out, the two are more related than I ever used to think before I learned of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).
CBT holds that people's mental sufferings are at the core, based on their defective thoughts. It goes like this: a thought happens, you have a feeling based on that thought, and you act on your feeling. So all your actions, based on your beliefs, your interpersonal relations, things you do with your time, and your ideas of self worth stem from your thoughts. So, the bottom line is creating more healthier, positive thoughts to base your mindset on to contribute to a better feeling and acting person.
This begs the question, is there something wrong with our thoughts? What are thoughts? Thoughts can't be seen, not even in expensive brain MRI equipment. They flit through our mental neural network- leading in turn to fear, anxiety, worry, happiness. So, why not believe your thoughts?
Well, while thoughts are a natural biological process, that doesn't mean they are good or free from bias. All our thoughts are created from an infinitely long collection of our past thoughts, our thought-judgements becoming a habitual force in our lives. CBT tells us that often its the case that our thoughts themselves are distorted. David Burns, pioneer of CBT, wrote of common cognitive distortions that cause problems for us down the road.
For example, ones that affect me most are:
overgeneralizing (taking one bad thing that happened and acting like that is always what happens),
filtering, amplifying the negative, disqualifying the positive (picking out the negative to dwell on and obscuring / minimizing /disqualifying the positive),
all or nothing thinking (thinking that what happens is all bad, rather than noticing pros and cons; crisis versus opportunity, and if something is short of perfect, its all bad),
comparing (comparing yourself to others when in reality everyone's situation in relation to your personal histories makes it unwise and useless to compare between people),
using should statements (I should have fun stuff to do on the weekends), which makes you unsatisfied, and includes comparisons and upholding false self beliefs,
and taking things personally (believing that really the person in responding to you and only you, and that everything bad that happens in your life is automatically your fault, versus being an external situation that you have little part in)
acting based on jumping to conclusions, like that you 'know' someone dislikes you, and that you 'know' how the situation will work out, rather than listening to evidence to the contrary,
acting based on emotional feeling (this feels scary, so it is scary, so I'm going to avoid it)
labeling ('I messed up so I'm a sucky loser), and labeling too harshly
Cognitive distortions that don't affect me are heaven's reward (people should act according to a rewards system, acting good will earn you a reward), projecting yourself onto others and being dissatisfied when they don't act as you would (assuming people should act in a way that makes sense to you), needing to be in control of the situation.
Thinking negatively or pessimistically in general, which causes you to obscure or forget positive things, what fun is that? I have a negative dad and trust me, its no fun at all. Be aware that your own negativity is easily transferred onto others and it will spoil their mood, especially if they don't have the defenses to cope with it. Now to add to cognitive distortions that there are self defeating beliefs like 'Life should be easy, I should be happy, Life is terrible if alone and unloved, without love I can't be happy, feeling victimized, I'm inferior - and there is too much wrong with me to fix, I can never live up to my expectations'. These statements are cognitive distortions, but they are different mainly because they are self critical and therefore self defeating, rather than merely negative.
These statements greatly contribute to one's feeling hopeless and helpless about their past, current, and future situations. Letting go of these thoughts is hard because the are automatically brought on my stress and situations which remind us of past situations where low self esteem failed us, and it feels ingrained, that our outlook on life has been justly deserved by our past failures. This leads myself and others to feeling unempowered, which contributes to hopelessness and helplessness. We feel as though we fail ourselves, day after day, holding onto unfair expectations and belittling our efforts, or ceasing to make effort in the case of depression. For me, depression is unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and a copious and odious lack of empowerment. These cognitive distortions lead to feelings of depression because they can cause misinterpretation of events and circumstances and contribute to feeling low. In simple terms, as my therapist said, 'thinking negatively makes you feel bad'.
It is helpful to know at this point that while many of us have cognitive distortions ingrained from years or a lifetime of habit, such thoughts, and the feelings and behaviors they encapsulate, can change. They have the potential to be reworked and revamped into something more true and accessibly positive. Again and again, awareness seems to be the ticket for change. Being aware of your thoughts, such the distortions and negative and overly self critical judgements, allows you notice that you can be too harsh on yourself and may be causing or adding to your suffering. Incorporating awareness can let us challenge our thoughts and
open yourself up to other ways of thinking and being. Its positive psychology at the core. You can try it out for yourself by asking the question - should I believe what I think?
Also I'd like to write a post about the interesting overlays between CBT and Buddhism; it seems that CBT and Buddhism are the same in regards to thinking, and merely that Buddhism overlaps CBT by some 2,000 years. There's alot of examples, like that being negative makes us feel low, the thought distortions like 'life should be easy (not if you believe in eternal suffering!). CBT is just a modern, thought out and specified version, but I noticed so many similarities in CBT thought restructuring as with Buddhism, purifying your mind.
In conclusion, "thoughts crystallize into habits, habits solidify into circumstances". I like this quote because it makes me think of the point in science/chemistry where you learn about change-of-state, from solid to liquid to gas. And the imagery is nice of crystallization, of it being a process that can be changed, and of solidification being the direct effect of your thoughts crystallizing. But that what now seems solidified can still change because the crystals can be shattered; you can change your thinking and form a new platform on which for better thoughts to form and solidify and hopefully lead to better circumstances for yourself and others.
And don't believe everything you think because your thinking may be severely distorted. Maybe don't even believe what you know to be true, since that could be based on past distortions too. Sorry if this muddles you, but it probably gives you alot to think about.
CBT holds that people's mental sufferings are at the core, based on their defective thoughts. It goes like this: a thought happens, you have a feeling based on that thought, and you act on your feeling. So all your actions, based on your beliefs, your interpersonal relations, things you do with your time, and your ideas of self worth stem from your thoughts. So, the bottom line is creating more healthier, positive thoughts to base your mindset on to contribute to a better feeling and acting person.
This begs the question, is there something wrong with our thoughts? What are thoughts? Thoughts can't be seen, not even in expensive brain MRI equipment. They flit through our mental neural network- leading in turn to fear, anxiety, worry, happiness. So, why not believe your thoughts?
Well, while thoughts are a natural biological process, that doesn't mean they are good or free from bias. All our thoughts are created from an infinitely long collection of our past thoughts, our thought-judgements becoming a habitual force in our lives. CBT tells us that often its the case that our thoughts themselves are distorted. David Burns, pioneer of CBT, wrote of common cognitive distortions that cause problems for us down the road.
For example, ones that affect me most are:
overgeneralizing (taking one bad thing that happened and acting like that is always what happens),
filtering, amplifying the negative, disqualifying the positive (picking out the negative to dwell on and obscuring / minimizing /disqualifying the positive),
all or nothing thinking (thinking that what happens is all bad, rather than noticing pros and cons; crisis versus opportunity, and if something is short of perfect, its all bad),
comparing (comparing yourself to others when in reality everyone's situation in relation to your personal histories makes it unwise and useless to compare between people),
using should statements (I should have fun stuff to do on the weekends), which makes you unsatisfied, and includes comparisons and upholding false self beliefs,
and taking things personally (believing that really the person in responding to you and only you, and that everything bad that happens in your life is automatically your fault, versus being an external situation that you have little part in)
acting based on jumping to conclusions, like that you 'know' someone dislikes you, and that you 'know' how the situation will work out, rather than listening to evidence to the contrary,
acting based on emotional feeling (this feels scary, so it is scary, so I'm going to avoid it)
labeling ('I messed up so I'm a sucky loser), and labeling too harshly
Cognitive distortions that don't affect me are heaven's reward (people should act according to a rewards system, acting good will earn you a reward), projecting yourself onto others and being dissatisfied when they don't act as you would (assuming people should act in a way that makes sense to you), needing to be in control of the situation.
Thinking negatively or pessimistically in general, which causes you to obscure or forget positive things, what fun is that? I have a negative dad and trust me, its no fun at all. Be aware that your own negativity is easily transferred onto others and it will spoil their mood, especially if they don't have the defenses to cope with it. Now to add to cognitive distortions that there are self defeating beliefs like 'Life should be easy, I should be happy, Life is terrible if alone and unloved, without love I can't be happy, feeling victimized, I'm inferior - and there is too much wrong with me to fix, I can never live up to my expectations'. These statements are cognitive distortions, but they are different mainly because they are self critical and therefore self defeating, rather than merely negative.
These statements greatly contribute to one's feeling hopeless and helpless about their past, current, and future situations. Letting go of these thoughts is hard because the are automatically brought on my stress and situations which remind us of past situations where low self esteem failed us, and it feels ingrained, that our outlook on life has been justly deserved by our past failures. This leads myself and others to feeling unempowered, which contributes to hopelessness and helplessness. We feel as though we fail ourselves, day after day, holding onto unfair expectations and belittling our efforts, or ceasing to make effort in the case of depression. For me, depression is unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and a copious and odious lack of empowerment. These cognitive distortions lead to feelings of depression because they can cause misinterpretation of events and circumstances and contribute to feeling low. In simple terms, as my therapist said, 'thinking negatively makes you feel bad'.
It is helpful to know at this point that while many of us have cognitive distortions ingrained from years or a lifetime of habit, such thoughts, and the feelings and behaviors they encapsulate, can change. They have the potential to be reworked and revamped into something more true and accessibly positive. Again and again, awareness seems to be the ticket for change. Being aware of your thoughts, such the distortions and negative and overly self critical judgements, allows you notice that you can be too harsh on yourself and may be causing or adding to your suffering. Incorporating awareness can let us challenge our thoughts and
open yourself up to other ways of thinking and being. Its positive psychology at the core. You can try it out for yourself by asking the question - should I believe what I think?
Also I'd like to write a post about the interesting overlays between CBT and Buddhism; it seems that CBT and Buddhism are the same in regards to thinking, and merely that Buddhism overlaps CBT by some 2,000 years. There's alot of examples, like that being negative makes us feel low, the thought distortions like 'life should be easy (not if you believe in eternal suffering!). CBT is just a modern, thought out and specified version, but I noticed so many similarities in CBT thought restructuring as with Buddhism, purifying your mind.
In conclusion, "thoughts crystallize into habits, habits solidify into circumstances". I like this quote because it makes me think of the point in science/chemistry where you learn about change-of-state, from solid to liquid to gas. And the imagery is nice of crystallization, of it being a process that can be changed, and of solidification being the direct effect of your thoughts crystallizing. But that what now seems solidified can still change because the crystals can be shattered; you can change your thinking and form a new platform on which for better thoughts to form and solidify and hopefully lead to better circumstances for yourself and others.
And don't believe everything you think because your thinking may be severely distorted. Maybe don't even believe what you know to be true, since that could be based on past distortions too. Sorry if this muddles you, but it probably gives you alot to think about.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
"Ear-ellevant"
I guess relevancy is something I'm still struggling with. But this time, the hampering shadow cast by irrelevancy has a somewhat different overlook. My previous post poked fun at my frazzled reactions to the irrelevancy of people's tangential conversations. Currently, I am writing with more unease of the prefoudn irrelevancy of my thoughtstream. It causes me to be unavailable to that conspicuous, sharp thing that is the present moment. The present, while in the most simplistic sense is unavoidable, is at the same time merely tenuously in my relatable grasp as it competes with the ravishing distraction that is my brain.
I went to a beginners meditation retreat at the Davis Shambhala center, that consisted of two entire days of meditating, mixed between sitting and walking meditations, unguided. Naturally, I had an impressive, or rather unending, amount of time on my hands to spend thinking, or at the least, mind-wandering. Unfortunately, it seems that is contrary to the goal of Buddhist meditating; you are trying to clear your mind of thoughts and simply be at peace with the present. It comes with its own set of challenges inherent in starting something new and unnatural. As expected, you are bored, restless, and in fact discouraged by the unpeaceful sentiments running through your head. You notice in your heightened mental awareness, unrelieved by any distractions, that your mind seems severely and devoutly trained to think, constantly, regardless of your grand goal to sit and just - sit. This is why meditating is known as a practice - an art, something to be worked at - rather than a naturally occurring condition unique to Buddhists.
Irrelevancy / relevancy came up again as a theme for me during one of many hours persevering through meditation. Here's why: I was having an incredibly difficult time of trying to clear my mind of thoughts. My mind was cluttered, brim full of excess thoughts, and whirring, like usual. I usually don't try to stop it because the effort expounded is actually tumultuous and catastrophic in witnessing my failure in derailing my thought process. Well at some point I fought with my mind for control of my thoughts versus thought wander and I came to an interesting conclusion: my thoughts themselves are irrelevant. They are the epitome of irrelevancy, they are the bulwark of irrationality: they (usually) have nothing to do with the present moment. You see, while I am busy being lost in thought wander, my zipping thoughts filter endlessly through my unresolved past. They replay and ruminate on recent past or long dead past moments of my existence. . For others, their thoughts may take the place of anxiety towards future situations, old arguments, upcoming stressors, fears, angers, you name it. The result of these excess of thoughts is shaming the present into taking place on the back burner, creating a perpetually unfulfilled present- not to mention future.
I was sitting there in meditation, fuming my way through interminably slow hours. I realized that my thoughts themselves were totally irrelevant to the present moment. Literally, none of the things I was thinking about was happening now, it was all in the past. So what is relevant when you're just sitting? I'll tell you whats not relevant - whats going on in your head. Whats relevant is whats going on in your body, because your body is immersed in the present, maybe to the same degree that your mind often isn't. Your mind can wander but your body can't, as counter intuitive as that sounds.
I think there must be some salvation in being more aware of your body. In one important respect, it can distract your mind from your mind's eternal frustrations. And at the most, living through your body can enable you to live life more fully because senses are exciting, and there is more you going on that you have to appreciate than your mind would falsely lead you to believe. Your body is living in the present whether you pick up on it or not - your nerves feeling the air temperature, smelling the air lets you catch whiffs of your surroundings, your ears can pick up on sounds, you can feel rain or shine, heat or cold, not to mention the explosion of taste buds. What was relevant as I sat there meditating? What was relevant was listening to the feeling of my breath inside my body, the gentle inhale and exhale it makes as I am sustained, as I exist.
I even coined a term for it- 'ear-ellevancy' (irrelevancy). It reminds me that when irrelevant thoughts come to mind, attempt to discard them as 'irrelevant' and put my focus on my ears, ie. my senses. My ears- what I'm hearing, or seeing, or with eyes closed, feeling, is what is relevant in meditation. But its also what it relevant in every day life- its incredibly skewed how much we live in our heads versus our bodies. In some ways, I think that what the body senses is the only real truth in that its just senses; its until it hits the mind that senses and perceptions become judgements. I want to live less judgmentally and I also don't want my life to be ruled out of my mind. My mind is unfortunately the basis of criminal irrelevancy, and I don't want to live an irrelevant existence. Rather, I want to be present and engaged in the present, available to others, perceptive and willing to take on challenges or opportunities the present hurls at me. The more I can focus on body senses, the more I can be in the process of learning to live through discernment, not judgement, and in the moment. Too bad I'm forced to live a hypocrite through my troubling OCD-like mind.
I went to a beginners meditation retreat at the Davis Shambhala center, that consisted of two entire days of meditating, mixed between sitting and walking meditations, unguided. Naturally, I had an impressive, or rather unending, amount of time on my hands to spend thinking, or at the least, mind-wandering. Unfortunately, it seems that is contrary to the goal of Buddhist meditating; you are trying to clear your mind of thoughts and simply be at peace with the present. It comes with its own set of challenges inherent in starting something new and unnatural. As expected, you are bored, restless, and in fact discouraged by the unpeaceful sentiments running through your head. You notice in your heightened mental awareness, unrelieved by any distractions, that your mind seems severely and devoutly trained to think, constantly, regardless of your grand goal to sit and just - sit. This is why meditating is known as a practice - an art, something to be worked at - rather than a naturally occurring condition unique to Buddhists.
Irrelevancy / relevancy came up again as a theme for me during one of many hours persevering through meditation. Here's why: I was having an incredibly difficult time of trying to clear my mind of thoughts. My mind was cluttered, brim full of excess thoughts, and whirring, like usual. I usually don't try to stop it because the effort expounded is actually tumultuous and catastrophic in witnessing my failure in derailing my thought process. Well at some point I fought with my mind for control of my thoughts versus thought wander and I came to an interesting conclusion: my thoughts themselves are irrelevant. They are the epitome of irrelevancy, they are the bulwark of irrationality: they (usually) have nothing to do with the present moment. You see, while I am busy being lost in thought wander, my zipping thoughts filter endlessly through my unresolved past. They replay and ruminate on recent past or long dead past moments of my existence. . For others, their thoughts may take the place of anxiety towards future situations, old arguments, upcoming stressors, fears, angers, you name it. The result of these excess of thoughts is shaming the present into taking place on the back burner, creating a perpetually unfulfilled present- not to mention future.
I was sitting there in meditation, fuming my way through interminably slow hours. I realized that my thoughts themselves were totally irrelevant to the present moment. Literally, none of the things I was thinking about was happening now, it was all in the past. So what is relevant when you're just sitting? I'll tell you whats not relevant - whats going on in your head. Whats relevant is whats going on in your body, because your body is immersed in the present, maybe to the same degree that your mind often isn't. Your mind can wander but your body can't, as counter intuitive as that sounds.
I think there must be some salvation in being more aware of your body. In one important respect, it can distract your mind from your mind's eternal frustrations. And at the most, living through your body can enable you to live life more fully because senses are exciting, and there is more you going on that you have to appreciate than your mind would falsely lead you to believe. Your body is living in the present whether you pick up on it or not - your nerves feeling the air temperature, smelling the air lets you catch whiffs of your surroundings, your ears can pick up on sounds, you can feel rain or shine, heat or cold, not to mention the explosion of taste buds. What was relevant as I sat there meditating? What was relevant was listening to the feeling of my breath inside my body, the gentle inhale and exhale it makes as I am sustained, as I exist.
I even coined a term for it- 'ear-ellevancy' (irrelevancy). It reminds me that when irrelevant thoughts come to mind, attempt to discard them as 'irrelevant' and put my focus on my ears, ie. my senses. My ears- what I'm hearing, or seeing, or with eyes closed, feeling, is what is relevant in meditation. But its also what it relevant in every day life- its incredibly skewed how much we live in our heads versus our bodies. In some ways, I think that what the body senses is the only real truth in that its just senses; its until it hits the mind that senses and perceptions become judgements. I want to live less judgmentally and I also don't want my life to be ruled out of my mind. My mind is unfortunately the basis of criminal irrelevancy, and I don't want to live an irrelevant existence. Rather, I want to be present and engaged in the present, available to others, perceptive and willing to take on challenges or opportunities the present hurls at me. The more I can focus on body senses, the more I can be in the process of learning to live through discernment, not judgement, and in the moment. Too bad I'm forced to live a hypocrite through my troubling OCD-like mind.
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