Monday, March 18, 2013
Recent Witholdings and Lies
Man, why did I witheld to Julie that 'when you try to stop the thoughts, they just get louder', that didn't resonate for me at all; if I had said that then Daniel would have agreed and we would've had more empathy.
kept of convo with the guy at peets; dissapointed because I would have gotten to talk to Janet longer.
Witheld of 'hardship, and a work in progress' to monday night group alot
witheld to deborah of roomates DVD player being an Xbox
witheld to Janet of mind wander the first time around
witheld to Deborah that I might get out of work early and also did last week. argh!
witheld to Daniel that his face looks droopy
witheld to Daniel and Julie that that was my current face of the moment - scrunched
witheld to Daniel that coworkers have told me I looked confused
witheld to Julie of 'I saw the therapists, I just don't know which ones are in the program'
witheld to Deborah 'I'm angry at you'. witheld that I wanted to do the cognitive defusion and was disappointed that she didn't hold me to it and that I'm not getting my needed '5 minutes to focus on life in the future'
witheld to process group 'I don't understand what I'm supposed to do about constantly bobbling emotions, how could I not be in my present?
withheld to janet 'mind wander / I call it replay'
witheld to Keith/Kristen how tiring they were.
don't feel like opening up to mom
witheld in interview more information about tree distribution and 'I respect your opinion' and that Calfire is different from the fire department and that in Marin I did invasive weed management
witheld to Janet 'the stakes are so high - its a job' because I really have no anxiety about it and was embarassed by that
witheld to Janet last time too why Debbie had me not think until I got there
witheld to Janet 'thats why I looked away, thinking of the other day', and that its not really related to anxiety because I don't get anxious about stuff beforehand
lying in group when Julie prompted 'just not thinking about things', 'uncertainty' I lied and said I was thinking about my makeup, rather than I was thinking about mind wander. Unsure why she focussed on false reassurances but it is true that the food and letting myself stay in mind wander is just a temporary fix.
witheld 'this time no soymilk' to Peets barista
witheld that I ' just remembered I was supposed to write that - whats going on in the room, hah!' couldve said that and left and been on time. but no, said something else to keep up the convo
witheld to Amie that wasn't what I meant at all ... as far as 'there's a bunch of loud old ladies ' ' life force energy'
witheld to Deborah - 'I'm not really there.. am I even safe to drive a car?' ..
witheld to Daniel 'yes, I always have a million thoughts going on'
witheld to Edward of similarity over aspergers diagnosis, and of mind wander making me unable to think clearly
witheld to Deborah a couple things, that Daniel said I have a bunch of feelings, and something else that had happened
witheld to group taht I didn't think Daniel would mention that we hung out beause I wanted it a secret. witheld its silly, 'how do you feel keeping that from us?' when they haven't been telling us anything
witheld disagreeing about them vs us and that they don't care
did say ' I was trying to converse' but didn't say 'because Deborah was actually being responsive.
witheld, no my problem isn't caring too much, its not havign anyone to care for
withheld 'I just went crazy judgemental replaying how I could've just introduced myself, could've said 'you're in teh program',, now I've worried over it longer than it actually took place
could've said to Julie, no 'being non judgemental isn't a cognitive defusion to me'
witheld to Deborah whatever I was thinking, I forget
witheld to Kristen how continually annoying she is, and keith
did withold that 'you're an asshole' to Joel, then said it. that sucked because he felt bad about it. what an odd thing to not withold
witheld to mom about crying last week
witheld to Eugene that my dad made me not appreciate life; different from being a believer
witheld that Deborah was too harsh those two times she told Daniel to sit up and pay attention
kept of convo with the guy at peets; dissapointed because I would have gotten to talk to Janet longer.
Witheld of 'hardship, and a work in progress' to monday night group alot
witheld to deborah of roomates DVD player being an Xbox
witheld to Janet of mind wander the first time around
witheld to Deborah that I might get out of work early and also did last week. argh!
witheld to Daniel that his face looks droopy
witheld to Daniel and Julie that that was my current face of the moment - scrunched
witheld to Daniel that coworkers have told me I looked confused
witheld to Julie of 'I saw the therapists, I just don't know which ones are in the program'
witheld to Deborah 'I'm angry at you'. witheld that I wanted to do the cognitive defusion and was disappointed that she didn't hold me to it and that I'm not getting my needed '5 minutes to focus on life in the future'
witheld to process group 'I don't understand what I'm supposed to do about constantly bobbling emotions, how could I not be in my present?
withheld to janet 'mind wander / I call it replay'
witheld to Keith/Kristen how tiring they were.
don't feel like opening up to mom
witheld in interview more information about tree distribution and 'I respect your opinion' and that Calfire is different from the fire department and that in Marin I did invasive weed management
witheld to Janet 'the stakes are so high - its a job' because I really have no anxiety about it and was embarassed by that
witheld to Janet last time too why Debbie had me not think until I got there
witheld to Janet 'thats why I looked away, thinking of the other day', and that its not really related to anxiety because I don't get anxious about stuff beforehand
lying in group when Julie prompted 'just not thinking about things', 'uncertainty' I lied and said I was thinking about my makeup, rather than I was thinking about mind wander. Unsure why she focussed on false reassurances but it is true that the food and letting myself stay in mind wander is just a temporary fix.
witheld 'this time no soymilk' to Peets barista
witheld that I ' just remembered I was supposed to write that - whats going on in the room, hah!' couldve said that and left and been on time. but no, said something else to keep up the convo
witheld to Amie that wasn't what I meant at all ... as far as 'there's a bunch of loud old ladies ' ' life force energy'
witheld to Deborah - 'I'm not really there.. am I even safe to drive a car?' ..
witheld to Daniel 'yes, I always have a million thoughts going on'
witheld to Edward of similarity over aspergers diagnosis, and of mind wander making me unable to think clearly
witheld to Deborah a couple things, that Daniel said I have a bunch of feelings, and something else that had happened
witheld to group taht I didn't think Daniel would mention that we hung out beause I wanted it a secret. witheld its silly, 'how do you feel keeping that from us?' when they haven't been telling us anything
witheld disagreeing about them vs us and that they don't care
did say ' I was trying to converse' but didn't say 'because Deborah was actually being responsive.
witheld, no my problem isn't caring too much, its not havign anyone to care for
withheld 'I just went crazy judgemental replaying how I could've just introduced myself, could've said 'you're in teh program',, now I've worried over it longer than it actually took place
could've said to Julie, no 'being non judgemental isn't a cognitive defusion to me'
witheld to Deborah whatever I was thinking, I forget
witheld to Kristen how continually annoying she is, and keith
did withold that 'you're an asshole' to Joel, then said it. that sucked because he felt bad about it. what an odd thing to not withold
witheld to mom about crying last week
witheld to Eugene that my dad made me not appreciate life; different from being a believer
witheld that Deborah was too harsh those two times she told Daniel to sit up and pay attention
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
3 blogs to go
I'm down three blogs, so I guess will be a long multi mini-blog.
1) Language really fucks with us. words versus meanings versus how things actually are
main points -
A. language is how we interact with people; we converse, language is our way of describing our experience. clearly our experience is only to be made through senses. Objectively, everything that comes our way is either seen, heard, felt by touch, or tasted or smelled. Somehow, as I write it, that list seems relatively weak. But anyway, our senses are how we percieve the world, directly.
A2 - for example, our memory is tagged in with language; our memory is in thoughts of how we remember events, how we would characterize our feelings. when we are babies, we haven't yet learned language. So its harder to remember being a baby and a child because our language skills hadn't formed to be able to define our memories.
B. But, language comes at a cost when it takes precedence over what we percieve. when the only thing we sense is the thought stream words.
C. Our language is the stories we tell ourselves of our perceptions . Why must we characterize our perceptions them through words? Is this just what we do? What we are taught to do - by being taught to talk as a form of communication? If a tree falls in the forest and no one else is around to hear it, but the one person there, does that person have to use words to create a story about the tree falling in the forest? Or could that person just feel their heart rate increase, and be done with it?
D. ACT is alot about language. Where has language done us in? For me, language has created a world that is about 3 cm long by 2 cm deep and wide - its inside my head. My entire world is inside my head, inside the stream of words that my brain comes up with.
E. How does anxiety and depression fit into this? Well, anxiety is strange because there are legitimate physical symptoms that people could be scared of - its scary to feel like you might collapse, or that your heart is racing. But for me, the anxiety is almost totally psychological in nature - it consists of scanning around, looking at people's eyes and getting caught in thoughts about how I don't fit in with 'them'.
F. But if anxiety is at a basic level, just physical symptoms, then its really not that bad. Some body discomfort, which you should be aware won't last forever. 'there is nothing to be anxious about but anxiety itself', and the anxiety isn't all that bad, plus even if it is bad, its part of our experience so be willing to
2) attachment to objects; I miss my journal where I wrote my blogs
3) validity of my experience / being a total hypocriteas I talk to people and chameleon personality, versus therapy having no one to respond to, ish
4) its clear that I can't get what I want from therapy, so where do I get it .... most important question ever. could do an 'imagined therapy' - a socratic conversation about specifics; 'what do you want? how much friendship do you want? how to get there?'
5) what does loneliness feel like ..? literally. in my body. is it all just a comparison? why am I more lonely when I get home than other times in the day?
6) where does endless self-introspection get me?
7) is the point of life just to avoid depressions?
1) Language really fucks with us. words versus meanings versus how things actually are
main points -
A. language is how we interact with people; we converse, language is our way of describing our experience. clearly our experience is only to be made through senses. Objectively, everything that comes our way is either seen, heard, felt by touch, or tasted or smelled. Somehow, as I write it, that list seems relatively weak. But anyway, our senses are how we percieve the world, directly.
A2 - for example, our memory is tagged in with language; our memory is in thoughts of how we remember events, how we would characterize our feelings. when we are babies, we haven't yet learned language. So its harder to remember being a baby and a child because our language skills hadn't formed to be able to define our memories.
B. But, language comes at a cost when it takes precedence over what we percieve. when the only thing we sense is the thought stream words.
C. Our language is the stories we tell ourselves of our perceptions . Why must we characterize our perceptions them through words? Is this just what we do? What we are taught to do - by being taught to talk as a form of communication? If a tree falls in the forest and no one else is around to hear it, but the one person there, does that person have to use words to create a story about the tree falling in the forest? Or could that person just feel their heart rate increase, and be done with it?
D. ACT is alot about language. Where has language done us in? For me, language has created a world that is about 3 cm long by 2 cm deep and wide - its inside my head. My entire world is inside my head, inside the stream of words that my brain comes up with.
E. How does anxiety and depression fit into this? Well, anxiety is strange because there are legitimate physical symptoms that people could be scared of - its scary to feel like you might collapse, or that your heart is racing. But for me, the anxiety is almost totally psychological in nature - it consists of scanning around, looking at people's eyes and getting caught in thoughts about how I don't fit in with 'them'.
F. But if anxiety is at a basic level, just physical symptoms, then its really not that bad. Some body discomfort, which you should be aware won't last forever. 'there is nothing to be anxious about but anxiety itself', and the anxiety isn't all that bad, plus even if it is bad, its part of our experience so be willing to
2) attachment to objects; I miss my journal where I wrote my blogs
3) validity of my experience / being a total hypocriteas I talk to people and chameleon personality, versus therapy having no one to respond to, ish
4) its clear that I can't get what I want from therapy, so where do I get it .... most important question ever. could do an 'imagined therapy' - a socratic conversation about specifics; 'what do you want? how much friendship do you want? how to get there?'
5) what does loneliness feel like ..? literally. in my body. is it all just a comparison? why am I more lonely when I get home than other times in the day?
6) where does endless self-introspection get me?
7) is the point of life just to avoid depressions?
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Mind Wander
Janet - You don't seem judgemental to me. But you don't tell people what's on their mind. Daniel ' you have strong feelings' and Susie's 'Marissa you have alot of feelings' and Deborah 'what do you do with all these feelings, then?'. I don't know. Wish I explored that. being frustrated that I did thank her for her perspetive and she said 'was that you thanking me' and I was conflicted because I didn't want to thank her, that why I brushed over it, I was more mad and stuff. mistrust.
learned my thoughts determine my mood, not the other way around
got stuck in replay last night and realized when I tried to think about my job interview, my forehead relaxed
I'm in a major state of transition, it is wierd
have been feeling so frustrated 'up to here' with Julie and then Daniel comes out and says how they are acting wierd, they can't understand why..
Lee 'you just need to learn how to be'
being sooo hurt by Susie, I didn't deserve it
realized that I said to group 'I really miss her' adn I didn't, I was just replaying and getting sucked into my past when I really missed her.
replay is irrelevant. I was to not fall into the relevancy boat.
My thoughts determine my mood, this is a huge realization. I thought the thoughts follow the mood, but, its that the thoughts set the mood - angsty thoughts lead to depression.
take the emotion out of the angst out of my thoughts, and they are way easier to deal with
I am changing, alot - now I don't hate meditation, now I am sleeping less fitfully, there are opportunities available to me to not dreadfully people scan with a pained expression while in a new place,
the comparison, the evaluation - its useless, I'm just at where I'm at, so is everyone else
My transcedent sense of self is a cloud. A cloud is a state of being, it cannot be compared. Its above everything
And my current life is me in a boat tossed around in the tides of my thoughts. I need to remember to steer or else I will be stranded in an ocean of irrelevancy.
multiple things over the weekend - I tried reading aloud in order to read, tried to let there be an awkward silence, without rising to the occassion to say something - stopped myself. crazy. The other person talked, too. I decided to read siddhartha online, to get over the resistance of reading online 'because my eyes hurt'. I got facebook. I tried to stop mind wandering when I wake by looking around at stuff.
I need to get out of mind wander mode - stop journaling, out the pen down and look up.
and what is this helplessness I feel over cutting through mind wander? Its just a word to describe a little brain blank thats really not a big deal - its physically just a feeling of tightness. thats all. nothing to go to great lengths to avoid. Plus I value all the times I have thought.
There is nothing to be anxious about but anxiety itself, and the anxiety is not all that bad.
I told Deborah I want her to set time in therapy for us to plan long term. She said 'I want you to own that' - its true, long term planning is seriously a part of my values and its a powerful thing for me to own, and work towards.
Karen ' you do focus on these things'
monday night process group, when Amanda started crying 'I'm sure people think I'm boring and annoying', and when Adam was surprised at being thanked for introducing himself and Chris said 'it was cool', versus me I was totally delighted.
was invited to live music, yay, with Keith'
I'm so much is a state of transition its crazy --- meditation is fine, I don't feel like I want to rage on food,
I want to think about food and count how much it costs
was surprised that Daniel said we hung out -- it was a secret to me, witheld that though
interestingly, I kept the convo up when didn't care when Edward said 'we could stay here', then he made some mean rude joke, knew I shouldn'tve asked. BUT then I said instead of witheld 'I feel like you're being rude and condesciding to me, expecting me to be excellent at life since I'm in this program' because he said 'do they teach you to grow wings' and he said sorry and sort of admitted that was what he was doing. However I just felt sad with him meanwhile telling him about the program.
Have been surprised by my and Edwards similariteis- he felt bad about being misdiagnosed with Schizo, same with me to Aspergers, adn he jsut wants his mind clear, me too!, and stuff and such.
had a fairly good session with Deborah today, with the focus of 'what are cognitive defusions against your body hair'?
I answered 'don't get sucked into the emotion because I was reliving getting sucked into being hopeless and helpless with her, but no, I want to feel the emotion.
decided I should try to help my body by recieving touch - is is a value of mine so while my body is hairy it can at least be comforted, I should put my energy towards that.
My body hair is just a sqaure on teh chessboard.
She did say, what do you do with that - the disatisfaction of not getting what you want from me, not getting the responses. I don't know. I'm confused how to answer that.
'I have no intention of eating that'
learned my thoughts determine my mood, not the other way around
got stuck in replay last night and realized when I tried to think about my job interview, my forehead relaxed
I'm in a major state of transition, it is wierd
have been feeling so frustrated 'up to here' with Julie and then Daniel comes out and says how they are acting wierd, they can't understand why..
Lee 'you just need to learn how to be'
being sooo hurt by Susie, I didn't deserve it
realized that I said to group 'I really miss her' adn I didn't, I was just replaying and getting sucked into my past when I really missed her.
replay is irrelevant. I was to not fall into the relevancy boat.
My thoughts determine my mood, this is a huge realization. I thought the thoughts follow the mood, but, its that the thoughts set the mood - angsty thoughts lead to depression.
take the emotion out of the angst out of my thoughts, and they are way easier to deal with
I am changing, alot - now I don't hate meditation, now I am sleeping less fitfully, there are opportunities available to me to not dreadfully people scan with a pained expression while in a new place,
the comparison, the evaluation - its useless, I'm just at where I'm at, so is everyone else
My transcedent sense of self is a cloud. A cloud is a state of being, it cannot be compared. Its above everything
And my current life is me in a boat tossed around in the tides of my thoughts. I need to remember to steer or else I will be stranded in an ocean of irrelevancy.
multiple things over the weekend - I tried reading aloud in order to read, tried to let there be an awkward silence, without rising to the occassion to say something - stopped myself. crazy. The other person talked, too. I decided to read siddhartha online, to get over the resistance of reading online 'because my eyes hurt'. I got facebook. I tried to stop mind wandering when I wake by looking around at stuff.
I need to get out of mind wander mode - stop journaling, out the pen down and look up.
and what is this helplessness I feel over cutting through mind wander? Its just a word to describe a little brain blank thats really not a big deal - its physically just a feeling of tightness. thats all. nothing to go to great lengths to avoid. Plus I value all the times I have thought.
There is nothing to be anxious about but anxiety itself, and the anxiety is not all that bad.
I told Deborah I want her to set time in therapy for us to plan long term. She said 'I want you to own that' - its true, long term planning is seriously a part of my values and its a powerful thing for me to own, and work towards.
Karen ' you do focus on these things'
monday night process group, when Amanda started crying 'I'm sure people think I'm boring and annoying', and when Adam was surprised at being thanked for introducing himself and Chris said 'it was cool', versus me I was totally delighted.
was invited to live music, yay, with Keith'
I'm so much is a state of transition its crazy --- meditation is fine, I don't feel like I want to rage on food,
I want to think about food and count how much it costs
was surprised that Daniel said we hung out -- it was a secret to me, witheld that though
interestingly, I kept the convo up when didn't care when Edward said 'we could stay here', then he made some mean rude joke, knew I shouldn'tve asked. BUT then I said instead of witheld 'I feel like you're being rude and condesciding to me, expecting me to be excellent at life since I'm in this program' because he said 'do they teach you to grow wings' and he said sorry and sort of admitted that was what he was doing. However I just felt sad with him meanwhile telling him about the program.
Have been surprised by my and Edwards similariteis- he felt bad about being misdiagnosed with Schizo, same with me to Aspergers, adn he jsut wants his mind clear, me too!, and stuff and such.
had a fairly good session with Deborah today, with the focus of 'what are cognitive defusions against your body hair'?
I answered 'don't get sucked into the emotion because I was reliving getting sucked into being hopeless and helpless with her, but no, I want to feel the emotion.
decided I should try to help my body by recieving touch - is is a value of mine so while my body is hairy it can at least be comforted, I should put my energy towards that.
My body hair is just a sqaure on teh chessboard.
She did say, what do you do with that - the disatisfaction of not getting what you want from me, not getting the responses. I don't know. I'm confused how to answer that.
'I have no intention of eating that'
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Current things I've learned
Total false assumption - I can meditate without it being a struggle that I hate !
Meditation will lead to focus, focus will lead to being in the present which will allow me to experience the present more, feel less dead.
how utterly my inability to read is related to words triggering me.
How badly the last session went with Deborah, 'how does it feel to feel powerless?' ugh. How it related to Karen's 'Sometimes you come in, so proud of yourself, then ...' - thats what happened. I looked out the window because I was asked what I see, then I was subjected to an utter helplessness at having the rest of the day free (and having nothing to do to infinity).
There's where vagueness comes in really badly - the to infinity, the not being specific about how much time I have, its really bad.
And other things, was rude to ask Deborah for insight and for what she thinks, when she is a therapist, and she is doing her job as she does it, and I don't know what insight will help or how much she should give plus I wouldn't tell her what I think of her, anyways.
And false to relate that to Karen of it not working, when its an entirely different situation; I'd just been rereading up on Karen journals the week before and was furious about how everything I say is just what just happened to me, its all just random, somehow I have to find a way to accept that as a condition of humanity things will change. and I liked her 'hypo-arousal' with food although I witheld that I'm always hypoaroused and never naturally hyper aroused.
I have changed - at first I told Deborah, 'none' in response to how much I would drive.
What are my values? I need a support system, I need touch, I want responsibility for others and to see kids and stuff and feel less disconnected and beat myself up less about disconnect, I value loving and caring, connecting, learning, conversations, skills, health.
I want to not be so sucked into the thought stream. no reason to judge myself for being worse at keeping attention that other people. It just is how it is, its my lot in life, everyone's is different.
yielding to the idea that mind wander is something I can get ahold of, it will get better with practice, its worth 'leaning into' and taking in experiences of helplessness or frustration to achieve later goals of thinking and planning - my mind can do good stuff when I put it to work, right? I could write a novel, or poems or reports or songs or visualizations. It doesn't fit my values to stay in mind wander. Every following thought is up to me, every inbreath is a new start.
I don't want pity - when Dr. Soulier pitied me I felt really dissapointed, so I don't need that from Deborah, either, I do need insight though ..
Deborah looked frightened after the last session.
witheld to group that adding Adam will make me lose my loneliness and depression outlet, but this is an opportunity for me to be real and say how I am.
I need a support system.
I am real, dammit. This isn't worth holding onto, either.
comparing myself to others sucks!
plus I am short so maybe thats why I don't require 2000 cals
the idea that I'm bullying myself with my thoughts about comparing myself to others and not doing enough; I don't like bullies and am the gentlest person ever. hmph.
glad for getting myself to talk to myself in the shower in stream of thought rhythym like the Davis gazebo thing - it was interesting and I learned something from it although now I'm unsure what. but it was cool.
am really realizing how my social engagement does get turned on off by the difference of talking versus being in mind wander.
and its true about food putting you into hypo-arousal and deciding I want to be a cloud, not a mountain - light, and that I really might be aloof from my true thoughts of anger, and holding these leads to furious disappointment and dissatisfaction.
could do some stream of thought answers to some random persons questions that could get me to stimulate creativity and think of someone else, while still answering specific questions so its not so vague.
man, last session with deborah sucked, what a big change from 'I feel so connected with you'.
was glad that I did the class assignment in multiple parts - first think of a topic, then organize my thoughts, then had to modify it to add research and make more sense, then when I practiced it right beforehand, aloud (wouldn't have done that normally), I saw the value in practicing - realized I needed to show my visual aid and say research. - when I first did the assignment I was overwhelmed and ate .. but I got through it. .
do need to figure out how to approach a 'transcendant sense of self'. time keeps on turning, things change, I get older, each second is different from others, my viewpoint and perspective keeps changing. Perhaps a stable thing is, I am a daughter of two parents, like every other human.
man, it felt really good to have somewhere to go after process group, when I went to my interview.
man, its been really hard to get up and get out this saturday
man, my dreams have been way less intense. perhaps my body pain will drop off and I'll be able to do more pushups.
man, I was hecka excited after the exposure and was pretty high on life. it was great.
then after the other one I really was anxious/aroused. it was only the most recent one that I felt more inhibited.
gosh, nobody every really makes me do anything. The disconnect of not being close to someone or seeing people get older.
wonder how Eric lin is?
What I've done over the past week-
I had ideas of reading at a coffee shop, reading online to be able to read through a screen, reading outside with the traffic rush distraction, and reading aloud. did read aloud, the play phaedrus, wow.
am appreciating my plant bulbs as they are dying, proud I did that. remembered that I only could've done this scc class because I was able to work around the sage schedule and also that the scc class I decided between eating or going, and remembered Dr Souliers 'I think any step gives you anxiety' and that was true, and how also I literally decided okay I'll turn away from home, went to mckinley, and that enabled me to think about the classes.
proud I did that. Proud meditating is going better. dissappointed by human relationships.
proud Daniel is comfotable with me and now that today I reached out to him by text, realized my outlet doesn't have to be only through therapy at sage
went to Peets to return drinks twice, struck up a convo with asian dude there, and with a guy on ACT, just said it honestly because I had just been honest with Janet, about mind wander,
went to choir practice, had texts with Max about his wanting s e x and males being pigs, learned I could push the button harder on the Xbox to make it work,
went to a sunday morning fleet feet run, at choir got complimented on eye makeup by India,
got food after class at mcdonalds - salad plus burger. was well and satiated. then majorly f-ed up by buying a burrito and eating it outside the library. plus added up to $6 so could've just bought chinese food - argh and ate when was not hungry at all and the burrito wasn't all fresh it was such a waste
ate after 9 pm and kept eating although I know every bite is its own moment, right? And every thought I have is as interesting as 4 days ago food or mind wander.
put on eye makeup for interview, cool.
scarfed food right before a run after not eating all day, sad
realized I haven't navigated anywhere.
talked a little bit today with Sam about tennis and yesterday, waxed.
woah shit it just hit March and I had no idea! time is going faster in this program!
cried a little at end of session with Deborah ' it was fun with you; there's no reason why I shouldn't have that'
waxed. the waxing pain wasn't bad but it did take awhile.
its sooooo much harder to get up today with nothing to do, fcuk
feel terrible about spending so much money on food but not at the right places.
have been driving alot which is improvement to spending the last 10 years unable to drive out of general fears and avoidance.
wishing for long conversations. how totally contrary to my values that I want to not be isolated but did not know how to respond to deborah's, 'who do you want to be intimate with?' I never think about the one thing that I want!! I need to quit mind wander.
what else did I do this week ?
yesterday ran and waxed and after interview drove home, snacked some,
thursday had my class presentation, researched, learned of sleep cycles both thursday and wed. felt bad bc came late to governors mansion volunteer bc procrasinated but it was fine
sage, the hard 'Deborah was bullying session' and I was resigned to trying to be part of it because I wanted to connect with her bc I'm desperate and was surprised, that really brought up arousal and anxiety and shame in me, she really was trying to get Daniels attention, although I wasn't fully resigned, at one point I said 'I don't care about this' , and empathy with Daniel over not being able to stand up for myself.
Meditation will lead to focus, focus will lead to being in the present which will allow me to experience the present more, feel less dead.
how utterly my inability to read is related to words triggering me.
How badly the last session went with Deborah, 'how does it feel to feel powerless?' ugh. How it related to Karen's 'Sometimes you come in, so proud of yourself, then ...' - thats what happened. I looked out the window because I was asked what I see, then I was subjected to an utter helplessness at having the rest of the day free (and having nothing to do to infinity).
There's where vagueness comes in really badly - the to infinity, the not being specific about how much time I have, its really bad.
And other things, was rude to ask Deborah for insight and for what she thinks, when she is a therapist, and she is doing her job as she does it, and I don't know what insight will help or how much she should give plus I wouldn't tell her what I think of her, anyways.
And false to relate that to Karen of it not working, when its an entirely different situation; I'd just been rereading up on Karen journals the week before and was furious about how everything I say is just what just happened to me, its all just random, somehow I have to find a way to accept that as a condition of humanity things will change. and I liked her 'hypo-arousal' with food although I witheld that I'm always hypoaroused and never naturally hyper aroused.
I have changed - at first I told Deborah, 'none' in response to how much I would drive.
What are my values? I need a support system, I need touch, I want responsibility for others and to see kids and stuff and feel less disconnected and beat myself up less about disconnect, I value loving and caring, connecting, learning, conversations, skills, health.
I want to not be so sucked into the thought stream. no reason to judge myself for being worse at keeping attention that other people. It just is how it is, its my lot in life, everyone's is different.
yielding to the idea that mind wander is something I can get ahold of, it will get better with practice, its worth 'leaning into' and taking in experiences of helplessness or frustration to achieve later goals of thinking and planning - my mind can do good stuff when I put it to work, right? I could write a novel, or poems or reports or songs or visualizations. It doesn't fit my values to stay in mind wander. Every following thought is up to me, every inbreath is a new start.
I don't want pity - when Dr. Soulier pitied me I felt really dissapointed, so I don't need that from Deborah, either, I do need insight though ..
Deborah looked frightened after the last session.
witheld to group that adding Adam will make me lose my loneliness and depression outlet, but this is an opportunity for me to be real and say how I am.
I need a support system.
I am real, dammit. This isn't worth holding onto, either.
comparing myself to others sucks!
plus I am short so maybe thats why I don't require 2000 cals
the idea that I'm bullying myself with my thoughts about comparing myself to others and not doing enough; I don't like bullies and am the gentlest person ever. hmph.
glad for getting myself to talk to myself in the shower in stream of thought rhythym like the Davis gazebo thing - it was interesting and I learned something from it although now I'm unsure what. but it was cool.
am really realizing how my social engagement does get turned on off by the difference of talking versus being in mind wander.
and its true about food putting you into hypo-arousal and deciding I want to be a cloud, not a mountain - light, and that I really might be aloof from my true thoughts of anger, and holding these leads to furious disappointment and dissatisfaction.
could do some stream of thought answers to some random persons questions that could get me to stimulate creativity and think of someone else, while still answering specific questions so its not so vague.
man, last session with deborah sucked, what a big change from 'I feel so connected with you'.
was glad that I did the class assignment in multiple parts - first think of a topic, then organize my thoughts, then had to modify it to add research and make more sense, then when I practiced it right beforehand, aloud (wouldn't have done that normally), I saw the value in practicing - realized I needed to show my visual aid and say research. - when I first did the assignment I was overwhelmed and ate .. but I got through it. .
do need to figure out how to approach a 'transcendant sense of self'. time keeps on turning, things change, I get older, each second is different from others, my viewpoint and perspective keeps changing. Perhaps a stable thing is, I am a daughter of two parents, like every other human.
man, it felt really good to have somewhere to go after process group, when I went to my interview.
man, its been really hard to get up and get out this saturday
man, my dreams have been way less intense. perhaps my body pain will drop off and I'll be able to do more pushups.
man, I was hecka excited after the exposure and was pretty high on life. it was great.
then after the other one I really was anxious/aroused. it was only the most recent one that I felt more inhibited.
gosh, nobody every really makes me do anything. The disconnect of not being close to someone or seeing people get older.
wonder how Eric lin is?
What I've done over the past week-
I had ideas of reading at a coffee shop, reading online to be able to read through a screen, reading outside with the traffic rush distraction, and reading aloud. did read aloud, the play phaedrus, wow.
am appreciating my plant bulbs as they are dying, proud I did that. remembered that I only could've done this scc class because I was able to work around the sage schedule and also that the scc class I decided between eating or going, and remembered Dr Souliers 'I think any step gives you anxiety' and that was true, and how also I literally decided okay I'll turn away from home, went to mckinley, and that enabled me to think about the classes.
proud I did that. Proud meditating is going better. dissappointed by human relationships.
proud Daniel is comfotable with me and now that today I reached out to him by text, realized my outlet doesn't have to be only through therapy at sage
went to Peets to return drinks twice, struck up a convo with asian dude there, and with a guy on ACT, just said it honestly because I had just been honest with Janet, about mind wander,
went to choir practice, had texts with Max about his wanting s e x and males being pigs, learned I could push the button harder on the Xbox to make it work,
went to a sunday morning fleet feet run, at choir got complimented on eye makeup by India,
got food after class at mcdonalds - salad plus burger. was well and satiated. then majorly f-ed up by buying a burrito and eating it outside the library. plus added up to $6 so could've just bought chinese food - argh and ate when was not hungry at all and the burrito wasn't all fresh it was such a waste
ate after 9 pm and kept eating although I know every bite is its own moment, right? And every thought I have is as interesting as 4 days ago food or mind wander.
put on eye makeup for interview, cool.
scarfed food right before a run after not eating all day, sad
realized I haven't navigated anywhere.
talked a little bit today with Sam about tennis and yesterday, waxed.
woah shit it just hit March and I had no idea! time is going faster in this program!
cried a little at end of session with Deborah ' it was fun with you; there's no reason why I shouldn't have that'
waxed. the waxing pain wasn't bad but it did take awhile.
its sooooo much harder to get up today with nothing to do, fcuk
feel terrible about spending so much money on food but not at the right places.
have been driving alot which is improvement to spending the last 10 years unable to drive out of general fears and avoidance.
wishing for long conversations. how totally contrary to my values that I want to not be isolated but did not know how to respond to deborah's, 'who do you want to be intimate with?' I never think about the one thing that I want!! I need to quit mind wander.
what else did I do this week ?
yesterday ran and waxed and after interview drove home, snacked some,
thursday had my class presentation, researched, learned of sleep cycles both thursday and wed. felt bad bc came late to governors mansion volunteer bc procrasinated but it was fine
sage, the hard 'Deborah was bullying session' and I was resigned to trying to be part of it because I wanted to connect with her bc I'm desperate and was surprised, that really brought up arousal and anxiety and shame in me, she really was trying to get Daniels attention, although I wasn't fully resigned, at one point I said 'I don't care about this' , and empathy with Daniel over not being able to stand up for myself.
Anticipations, false assumptions, unfolding
1. False Anticipations -
One of the reasons I distrusted the 'ask three questions of an employee' was my anticipation of the worker - a young, skinny girl working in the clothes department who disliked her job, and just wanted to get her work done and not help me out.
There was also the anticipation that the first session with Daniel was how it would always be. There was the resignation that fridays would, suck entirely. That I would be small and cloistered every friday and just wish for it to be over. Then, in total surprise, I learn that Daniel and me have all these similarities of being lonely, of having avoidance tactics, of trying to distract ourselves all the time from our thoughts.
And now my most current false assumption - I can in fact meditate. I actually don't have to utterly mind wander the entire time. It did help that I got to this in steps. First was the 'non-judgemental' aspect; there was no reason for me to be judgemental about being mad at meditation. I was adding to struggle by increasing that judgement on myself while meditating.
Even the feeling of, 'I'll just feel helpless because every time I try to meditate, I'll fall back into mind wander, I hate to watch myself go unfocused', hasn't really come up. Also I liked, 'the anxiety (the mind wander) is already there, so we are just going to take whats already there and work with it in a different way.
And now, I'm all excited about meditating and find it calming because I just don't have any struggle with it anymore. That total fear and trepidation over being stuck in mind wander for half an hour is significantly lessened. I never ever would have anticipated that occuring - that I'll be able to not have struggle over meditation.
The first time I meditated at home there was so much struggle - I ate furiously during the meditation and now I realize I missed a majority of what he was saying, anyways.
So of course, it makes me wonder what else I'm wrong about, what else I will come to misunderstand. Perhaps all the cognitive defusions, the fear over being fused to my thoughts and feelings and lacking a self as observer, will come into place. They may be hard at first, but perhaps they will become easier, like meditation. I'm enthralled, floored, and find it promising and encouraging how I was sitting there meditating with my visualization.
Here is my most recent meditation - Life is unfolding constantly. My first thought is to be freaked out by this because I don't want to be alive. But here is the meditation that came -
Its a mix of the Anais Nin quote - 'At some point it becomes better to open as a flower than to stay closed as a bud', and Amie's "Are you at the point where you would face the discomfort in order to change? Where you decide to open yourself to the world?"
So - Life is unfolding and I am the bud. I want to be open so I can feel the sunlight (sunlight being warmth, love, self esteem). Its imperative that I open up to the world to experience it. Otherwise, how could someone come up and touch me? They aren't going to be interested in the tight bud who is home is a room. They want to see and touch the petals. For this visualization I saw purple and white southern magnolia flowers. It was sweet.
One of the reasons I distrusted the 'ask three questions of an employee' was my anticipation of the worker - a young, skinny girl working in the clothes department who disliked her job, and just wanted to get her work done and not help me out.
There was also the anticipation that the first session with Daniel was how it would always be. There was the resignation that fridays would, suck entirely. That I would be small and cloistered every friday and just wish for it to be over. Then, in total surprise, I learn that Daniel and me have all these similarities of being lonely, of having avoidance tactics, of trying to distract ourselves all the time from our thoughts.
And now my most current false assumption - I can in fact meditate. I actually don't have to utterly mind wander the entire time. It did help that I got to this in steps. First was the 'non-judgemental' aspect; there was no reason for me to be judgemental about being mad at meditation. I was adding to struggle by increasing that judgement on myself while meditating.
Even the feeling of, 'I'll just feel helpless because every time I try to meditate, I'll fall back into mind wander, I hate to watch myself go unfocused', hasn't really come up. Also I liked, 'the anxiety (the mind wander) is already there, so we are just going to take whats already there and work with it in a different way.
And now, I'm all excited about meditating and find it calming because I just don't have any struggle with it anymore. That total fear and trepidation over being stuck in mind wander for half an hour is significantly lessened. I never ever would have anticipated that occuring - that I'll be able to not have struggle over meditation.
The first time I meditated at home there was so much struggle - I ate furiously during the meditation and now I realize I missed a majority of what he was saying, anyways.
So of course, it makes me wonder what else I'm wrong about, what else I will come to misunderstand. Perhaps all the cognitive defusions, the fear over being fused to my thoughts and feelings and lacking a self as observer, will come into place. They may be hard at first, but perhaps they will become easier, like meditation. I'm enthralled, floored, and find it promising and encouraging how I was sitting there meditating with my visualization.
Here is my most recent meditation - Life is unfolding constantly. My first thought is to be freaked out by this because I don't want to be alive. But here is the meditation that came -
Its a mix of the Anais Nin quote - 'At some point it becomes better to open as a flower than to stay closed as a bud', and Amie's "Are you at the point where you would face the discomfort in order to change? Where you decide to open yourself to the world?"
So - Life is unfolding and I am the bud. I want to be open so I can feel the sunlight (sunlight being warmth, love, self esteem). Its imperative that I open up to the world to experience it. Otherwise, how could someone come up and touch me? They aren't going to be interested in the tight bud who is home is a room. They want to see and touch the petals. For this visualization I saw purple and white southern magnolia flowers. It was sweet.
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