Total false assumption - I can meditate without it being a struggle that I hate !
Meditation will lead to focus, focus will lead to being in the present which will allow me to experience the present more, feel less dead.
how utterly my inability to read is related to words triggering me.
How badly the last session went with Deborah, 'how does it feel to feel powerless?' ugh. How it related to Karen's 'Sometimes you come in, so proud of yourself, then ...' - thats what happened. I looked out the window because I was asked what I see, then I was subjected to an utter helplessness at having the rest of the day free (and having nothing to do to infinity).
There's where vagueness comes in really badly - the to infinity, the not being specific about how much time I have, its really bad.
And other things, was rude to ask Deborah for insight and for what she thinks, when she is a therapist, and she is doing her job as she does it, and I don't know what insight will help or how much she should give plus I wouldn't tell her what I think of her, anyways.
And false to relate that to Karen of it not working, when its an entirely different situation; I'd just been rereading up on Karen journals the week before and was furious about how everything I say is just what just happened to me, its all just random, somehow I have to find a way to accept that as a condition of humanity things will change. and I liked her 'hypo-arousal' with food although I witheld that I'm always hypoaroused and never naturally hyper aroused.
I have changed - at first I told Deborah, 'none' in response to how much I would drive.
What are my values? I need a support system, I need touch, I want responsibility for others and to see kids and stuff and feel less disconnected and beat myself up less about disconnect, I value loving and caring, connecting, learning, conversations, skills, health.
I want to not be so sucked into the thought stream. no reason to judge myself for being worse at keeping attention that other people. It just is how it is, its my lot in life, everyone's is different.
yielding to the idea that mind wander is something I can get ahold of, it will get better with practice, its worth 'leaning into' and taking in experiences of helplessness or frustration to achieve later goals of thinking and planning - my mind can do good stuff when I put it to work, right? I could write a novel, or poems or reports or songs or visualizations. It doesn't fit my values to stay in mind wander. Every following thought is up to me, every inbreath is a new start.
I don't want pity - when Dr. Soulier pitied me I felt really dissapointed, so I don't need that from Deborah, either, I do need insight though ..
Deborah looked frightened after the last session.
witheld to group that adding Adam will make me lose my loneliness and depression outlet, but this is an opportunity for me to be real and say how I am.
I need a support system.
I am real, dammit. This isn't worth holding onto, either.
comparing myself to others sucks!
plus I am short so maybe thats why I don't require 2000 cals
the idea that I'm bullying myself with my thoughts about comparing myself to others and not doing enough; I don't like bullies and am the gentlest person ever. hmph.
glad for getting myself to talk to myself in the shower in stream of thought rhythym like the Davis gazebo thing - it was interesting and I learned something from it although now I'm unsure what. but it was cool.
am really realizing how my social engagement does get turned on off by the difference of talking versus being in mind wander.
and its true about food putting you into hypo-arousal and deciding I want to be a cloud, not a mountain - light, and that I really might be aloof from my true thoughts of anger, and holding these leads to furious disappointment and dissatisfaction.
could do some stream of thought answers to some random persons questions that could get me to stimulate creativity and think of someone else, while still answering specific questions so its not so vague.
man, last session with deborah sucked, what a big change from 'I feel so connected with you'.
was glad that I did the class assignment in multiple parts - first think of a topic, then organize my thoughts, then had to modify it to add research and make more sense, then when I practiced it right beforehand, aloud (wouldn't have done that normally), I saw the value in practicing - realized I needed to show my visual aid and say research. - when I first did the assignment I was overwhelmed and ate .. but I got through it. .
do need to figure out how to approach a 'transcendant sense of self'. time keeps on turning, things change, I get older, each second is different from others, my viewpoint and perspective keeps changing. Perhaps a stable thing is, I am a daughter of two parents, like every other human.
man, it felt really good to have somewhere to go after process group, when I went to my interview.
man, its been really hard to get up and get out this saturday
man, my dreams have been way less intense. perhaps my body pain will drop off and I'll be able to do more pushups.
man, I was hecka excited after the exposure and was pretty high on life. it was great.
then after the other one I really was anxious/aroused. it was only the most recent one that I felt more inhibited.
gosh, nobody every really makes me do anything. The disconnect of not being close to someone or seeing people get older.
wonder how Eric lin is?
What I've done over the past week-
I had ideas of reading at a coffee shop, reading online to be able to read through a screen, reading outside with the traffic rush distraction, and reading aloud. did read aloud, the play phaedrus, wow.
am appreciating my plant bulbs as they are dying, proud I did that. remembered that I only could've done this scc class because I was able to work around the sage schedule and also that the scc class I decided between eating or going, and remembered Dr Souliers 'I think any step gives you anxiety' and that was true, and how also I literally decided okay I'll turn away from home, went to mckinley, and that enabled me to think about the classes.
proud I did that. Proud meditating is going better. dissappointed by human relationships.
proud Daniel is comfotable with me and now that today I reached out to him by text, realized my outlet doesn't have to be only through therapy at sage
went to Peets to return drinks twice, struck up a convo with asian dude there, and with a guy on ACT, just said it honestly because I had just been honest with Janet, about mind wander,
went to choir practice, had texts with Max about his wanting s e x and males being pigs, learned I could push the button harder on the Xbox to make it work,
went to a sunday morning fleet feet run, at choir got complimented on eye makeup by India,
got food after class at mcdonalds - salad plus burger. was well and satiated. then majorly f-ed up by buying a burrito and eating it outside the library. plus added up to $6 so could've just bought chinese food - argh and ate when was not hungry at all and the burrito wasn't all fresh it was such a waste
ate after 9 pm and kept eating although I know every bite is its own moment, right? And every thought I have is as interesting as 4 days ago food or mind wander.
put on eye makeup for interview, cool.
scarfed food right before a run after not eating all day, sad
realized I haven't navigated anywhere.
talked a little bit today with Sam about tennis and yesterday, waxed.
woah shit it just hit March and I had no idea! time is going faster in this program!
cried a little at end of session with Deborah ' it was fun with you; there's no reason why I shouldn't have that'
waxed. the waxing pain wasn't bad but it did take awhile.
its sooooo much harder to get up today with nothing to do, fcuk
feel terrible about spending so much money on food but not at the right places.
have been driving alot which is improvement to spending the last 10 years unable to drive out of general fears and avoidance.
wishing for long conversations. how totally contrary to my values that I want to not be isolated but did not know how to respond to deborah's, 'who do you want to be intimate with?' I never think about the one thing that I want!! I need to quit mind wander.
what else did I do this week ?
yesterday ran and waxed and after interview drove home, snacked some,
thursday had my class presentation, researched, learned of sleep cycles both thursday and wed. felt bad bc came late to governors mansion volunteer bc procrasinated but it was fine
sage, the hard 'Deborah was bullying session' and I was resigned to trying to be part of it because I wanted to connect with her bc I'm desperate and was surprised, that really brought up arousal and anxiety and shame in me, she really was trying to get Daniels attention, although I wasn't fully resigned, at one point I said 'I don't care about this' , and empathy with Daniel over not being able to stand up for myself.
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