Principles of Non-violent Communication

Here is a summary of an interesting workshop on Non-Violent Communication led by Pierre Couvillion.

The workshop was meant to introduce the subject of non-violent communication (NVC) - why we need it, and how it works.  NVC was created as a pathway to solving problems through non violence, leading to more harmonious interactions. 

Most people are aware that altercations and fighting are not mature or desired ways to act in an argument.  How many times has a fight left you angry and unsettled?  But when struggles and differences do come up, how can they be dealt with in a way that leaves both parties satisfied, and even welcomed and heard?

Non-violent communication is a skill to be learned, it takes practice, and therefore practice materials are given.  Below is the outline for what to say when trying to build a bridge and overcome a problem between two people.  Some important starting tips are to maintain neutrality, to not blame, and to listen actively.

To start with, engage the person you are having a problem with at a proper time that works for them.  Ask them to try this activity out; have their permission and acceptance of this style of problem solving.  You will each be given a set amount of time by the other person to say whats on your mind.

Here's what you say - your account of what happened, but as neutrally as possible, and taking great care with your words.  For example, instead of 'you were home late', 'you were home at 8 pm rather than at 6pm'.  Then your feelings associated with this - for example 'hurt, afraid, worried'.  Then you say a need that went unfulfilled during the circumstance, for example 'safety, support'.  Yes, you literally say, out loud, the exact feeling/s you felt, and the need/s that you had required.

Then its the other persons turn to talk - and they start with simply repeating back what you said, in your words.  They get to hear your story, they don't get to change your story or point out your bias; they simply hear it from you and tell it back to you.  You can rephrase or add details if a large point was misunderstood, but quickly, and still-neutrally, with your anger contained.   Remember you had your say, and now its time to hear their point of view.   Now it is the partners turn to speak their account, their feelings and needs, and at the end you repeat it back to them. 

It feels vulnerable, but it gets easier over time.  Feelings are a touchy subject for many people.  Don't be surprised if speaking your feelings makes you suddenly overwhelmed by a whole backlog of feelings that you've been holding onto.  Don't worry, because you'll have time to express yourself in the future, and to reap the rewards of interacting with others on a more authentic level.