Living moment to moment is part of my lifestyle. I drift along. In some ways, I'm not in the present moment at all because I am so focused within my thoughts and only partially attending to the present moment. But this post is about the tendency to be, while in the present, constantly wistfully wishing to either be at another moment, or not fully acclimated to the changes between the present moment and the past moment.
Here's an example of what went on through my head today at various times. The point is that, at the time, that thought was the only thing going on. How could I possibly make these mood and thinking pattern transitions on a daily basis? They swing around, approaching such great highs and lows, and are encumbered by being a constantly pleasure seeking being.
Wake up: Uggghhh I don't want to be awake, I'm in so much pain... I will stay in bed. Much conflict about waking and not wanting to. 5 minutes later, less bleary, in pain, but less intense. 10 minutes later - up out of bed, and stressing about missing the meetup. 12 minutes later - in the car, stressing about the windshield being frosted over and being unable to see. 14 minutes later - being mad at myself for misunderstanding the freeway entrance sign. 15 minutes later - happily on the freeway without traffic. 16 minutes later - at meetup REI destination, smiling to meet new people, and making a sorry lame 'sorry I'm late'. 20 minutes later - 2 hours later - thought wandering through a long car ride over therapy, Susie, being neurotic, why I have perfectionist tendencies, Debbie saying 'if you close off one end of the spectrum (the lows) you don't get to feel the highs, and Dr. Soulier saying 'sometimes therapy has to drag you through the mire" and a zillion other thoughts, mindless introspection. Spend the car ride being sad my car ride mates aren't talkative, wistful for something more out of the present moment. Then introductions when we arrive and its nicer. Then the hike and I'm cold. Then I'm hot. Then I'm talking a little, then not. Then at lunch wondering who to sit with and not being talked to / with, and wanting food. Then after lunch realizing food would've made me tired. Then worrying about who to ask for a ride back and if that would be rude.
Okay this is only a tiny amount of my thoughts.
I just wanted to explain how I'm always stuck in the present moment. And it just changes all the time.
I just had such a cute moment with Sammie, my roomates son. Just now. We typed this onto the keyboard - I pointed to the key to type, he hit the keys:
drew is 3 years old.
!!!!sammie is 5 years old!!!
Now its over and another moment has begun. Its like they say in Buddhism, just a constant shift and change of thoughts, feelings, emotions, as fickle as a breeze. They also say that enlightenment is (like heaven) permanent, lasting.
I think there is something vicious about the way the moments change from second to second. You are always subject to and at the whim of the present moment, be you hot/cold/angry/irritated/joyous/worried/neutral. Its definitely something I realize while I read back on my journals - how totally variable my moods are. So, is anything real? Do any of my emotions and feelings, as intense as they are, have any sense of long term value? Doesn't this dehumanize them, deintensify, deconstruct, weaken, what I believe to be true? Isn't it all a fleeting moment? I'm so bothered by this, and powerless to change it.
Here's what I cannot change, unless I get a seriously different viewpoint from someone. Time is unidirectional. Its linear, it only expands out in one direction (to the right). You are always moving forward into it. You can't see it or feel it, but its there. You know because every moment is different than the one before. I truly can't explain this concept. Time extends and you are always falling face forward into it, tilting into something that can't hold you up. And as scary as that sounds, there is literally no evidence for me, at all, on a daily basis, that time exists. My face will forever look back at me just as I remembered it a second before. Yes, different from my face 10 years ago. But between yesterday, today and tomorrow, what has changed? Has time really gone by. Or have I just been living in a timeless universe? I'm fundamentally confused.
As I wrote this post, a slight contradiction to this is that I can see that things change - if I cut myself, the wound will heal, soon enough. That is a much smaller timescale than what I was thinking about with seeing your face change from a young to old person. I guess my acne changes too, on a daily basis. But, these changes still occur in what me feel like some void, it just feels like drifting.
Yet again, drifting comes up as a word. Drifting through my life making no connections or attachment, and without responsibilities. And now, drifting through life without feeling that time is really happening. What would be the opposite of drifting? Being anchored. Being anchored is being attached, and being connected to what I'm attached to, to being within an ocean of life, having people on a ship I am anchored to. And, that being stable, no matter what the ocean weather throws out at me, a storm or squall, etc. Look, I made a metaphor.
Its in pursuit of connection that I follow the phrase: At some point it becomes more fearful to be stuck as a bud than to emerge as a flower.
And in wanting to part of others lives, I have to learn to share of myself: To learn is to be education, but to become wise it to share what you have learned.
When I start explaining things to people, I really start learning. I look forward to that.
josh is 1 year (how big is Josh?)
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