I'm writing this post to reflect on partly why I have such fears in my life and my experience of being human. This post reflects a staple of my existence - drifting, terribly throughout my life as I interact with the world in a state of anonymity and loneliness. I'm forever trapped because the world confounds me in how vastly large it is, it supersedes everything that I as one person can contain. Life is by nature teeming and overwhelming.
I hate traveling, because I get lost and fearful in feeling such vastness. Unfortunately, when I travel, I become intimately and fearfully aware of the magnitude of persons living. Its an intricate web of life, and between societies, states, professions, and personal freedoms, it is dizzying. Due to my lack of belonging, I feel a void, a chasm, between me and the next thing. Its false because everywhere I go, people could have moved from or to, come as kids or transplanted as adults, be on vacation, etc. And to each person there I accept them, unquestionable, as being a part of it. Versus I don't apply the same logic to myself; they have every right to be there, so why shouldn't I?
Lack of connection is so painful, and there are so many scales it operates on. First to my family - or to (lack thereof) friends and close relationships. Then there is lack of connection to a social or spiritual group or employment. Then there is a lack of connection to my place- to where I live. It feels as if I'm just drifting here among so many others, and that since I have no reason to be here versus elsewhere, I don't have any claim to be here. And that makes me feel anonymous, and that anonymity contributes to loneliness and despair. It is odd because I do pay for my rent and so do have a right to be here, in this house. But then I get stymied - why not live anywhere else? At any other house? Just because I have chosen this one spot, randomly really, ...
I'm convinced that my life is completely anonymous. Why do I feel this way? This is a byproduct of society being far too large and complicated of a web from the point of view of me, a solitary individual. There are simply so many facets of my life that spills over into and onto and through society. I can't very well see where the borders are all blurred. Its obvious that I'm interacting with society on so many scales, but, I just don't feel as though there's a place cut out for me, specifically, a niche that I can feed on and live on, and thrive in. Without that little cutout for Marissa, a little spot spooned out for me to inhabit, and me alone, it feels anonymous as though I just chose a little veined area on the surface of a cantaloupe to call ' this is my life'. I don't want to decide these things.
Some examples of anonymity that get me flustered: the anonymity of traffic, traffic lights and roads that you cross but don't leave your mark on, everyone does this, use but not personalize, the anonymity of being a consumer in modern culture, or buying goods by money without having to work to make the goods. Money enters and exits your wallet. When you go into a store, you have a purpose and right to be there. But what if you don't have money? If you're just window shopping? The store is simply a vehicle for you to choose and then take home your various wants and needs. Nowhere in that supply chain exists belonging and caring.
Commercialism and modern culture sets us up for anonymity, too - there's no one behind a screen, no one who you have to contact with to send signals and communicate that you are in fact responsive to what is being broadcasted. Rather, commercials go out to everyone - with equality, the same commercial to everyone, but without respect to individualism. All consumers are treated the same, and same with in stores. This conformity, such as all products in a Target chain store being the same, leads to the individual feeling at a loss for personal connection. I know this isn't the case for local and independent stores however, where the employees are in it for the long haul along with the customers.
But there is definite anonymity in public spaces - designed to be seen and enjoyed by the masses, then left as is. They are always clean and yet unattended by cleaning staff; often you don't see the caretakers (janitors, etc) and don't acknowledge them if you do. You are expected to pass through as do dozens, hundreds, thousands, etc of people a year do too. Same with public transit - get on, get off, don't cause a ruckus, and that is acceptable and desirable to society. Transportation networks and public transit are to me a hugely anonymous creation although I admit they have massive benefit.
Where do these rules and laws come with that I should expect anything different from society? The angst, the pain, the anguish, I can imagine it different, can't I?
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