Attachment Relationships

A burgeoning concept in psychology is looking into early childhood relationships by way of attachment.  Attachment is the non-physical, metaphorical, but stronger-than-steel bonding between people.  I think for the purposes of this we will stick to attachment to a specific person. 

The most basic attachment for humans to have, is mother-to-baby.  The mother rocks the baby, cares for this tiny creature day and night, and in time a bond of attachment forms.  And it persists; connection is lifelong. 

The psychology of attachment is meant to explain how many of us go about in our relationships.  What it comes down to is being comfortable as yourself, and this allows you to mingle with others and form deep attachments to them.  But the reason that people can form deep attachments in the first place, is growing up with a sense of that deep mother-child connection.  Being part of that relationship is the most basic attachment.   That feeling of inherent worthiness as the object of love allows for self worth and self esteem to form. 

Because of the attachment, a person is not alone in their world.  This enables them to have the self confidence to reach out and be further enveloped into relationships.  One who belongs, is not alone.  I say this from the other side, knowing that lack of attachment furiously contributes to my utter pain and desolation.  Without attachment, I am suffering 'privation'- the unknowing deprivation of not having a basic need met.  I who lives without attachment barely knows how to contend with my life, being it is furiously large and potently complex and distanced from myself.   Whereas attachment creates positivity, optimism, belonging, allowing one to move further up the rungs of self development, lack of attachment creates insecurity, low self esteem, loneliness. 

Is the human condition one of loneliness?
Without attachment, surely. 

There are multiple questions I want to bring up:

1) Is life easier for people who are religious?  Do they know from being raised that the love of God is in them?  Does that mean that love of God is in fact a type of attachment?

I ask this because I have always been jealous of religious people who say things like 'Jesus loves me', or 'I have faith/trust is God's love'.  To me, this sounds like they have an attachment to a God figure.  Perhaps this is another form of attachment that allows someone to be kept in a web and prevented from loneliness. 

How are people better off with the love of God?  How worse? or does this add conflict from having to always be right, because someone is watching?


2) The second question is about attachment being a two way street, and where does it work and when does it fall out of sync.  We talk about attachment as a concrete thing - its there.  We talk of it like you have it, or you don't.  Once you are attached is there a line crossed that can't be returned into unnattached territory?  Is it permanent?

In reality I think that attachment has to be a gradient, since everything in the world works on a gradient.  There are people who are more deeply and utterly attached than others.  Some people's attachment could be more related to commonality, some to personality, some to gratitude to the other person, some to being held and comforted, with a more physical aspect. 

My main question is, is attachment on a gradient, and if so, how does one get more of it?  How does someone know if they are attached, and if their attachment is as strong as it could be?  Will we be left always wanting more attachment because it feels good?  Is their a point where some degree of attachment is enough, and does that vary person to person?

My other main question is, given that some people are lacking an attachment, what of their past and future?  If attachment is a two way street from mother to child, why do we talk about it in terms of the child/baby.  Really, we need to think about the mom's style of attachment and the ease to which she attaches to the offspring.  What if its not the offspring's 'fault' for having a poor attachment style, what if the mom isn't forming a bridge, due to her own past experiences and attachment styles?  Or is the bridge always open, and its the baby who takes or does not take to it?  Can something be done to help mothers who haven't experienced strong attachment before, and how much should this be taken into account?

I'll end with a couple quotes I've heard recently:

Brene Brown - You are wired for struggle (to a baby), but you are worthy of love and belonging.

Jennie my therapist to me:  You seem okay.

Louis Sachar- Wayside Stories - Love creates more love, the more you have, the more you can give away.