I write this post knowing that I am NOT the only one who does this ...
First off - I love reading youtube comments because I love watching what other people are thinking of the same person. They are often the same comments as mine, but sometimes they have backstories. For example, what the music makes them think of.
Basically everything in youtube comments are judgements. Where else do we better have the option to see what everyone's judgements of other people are? Of their work, their entertainment value, but also of their bodies.
You can't get through a youtube video without commenting on the person. You just can't. It makes sense, the audience is staring into another person talking, who could help but comment on looks?
Here's what I've noticed - beauty is exalted. Beauty is talked of - she's so pretty - her eyes/ hair / voice/ laugh. Lack of beauty is not said outloud, but it could be noticed in its absence. A less than beautiful person is simply not commented on so much on their appearance. Adele gets so many comments on her voice, but only a few 'big boned and beautiful' type comments about her looks.
The silence does say something.
Its not ratemyprofessor.com, is it? Its ratemypersonality.com, everybody just wants to comment on the professors personality and looks. Isn't that all we want; just a big comment board; isn't gossip all just talking about another person?
Everyone is beautiful, though.
It is interesting though, at what point someone becomes an object versus at what point you are looking at them for the first time and learning, describing, forming judgements, and taking in. Then soon enough, they are simply familiar and you stop looking at all the parts - the eyes, the face, and only see a whole. That concept you judge less so than in the beginning because, whether you like the person or not, you are accepting of them as they are, as an object.
I find that I accept everybody, even the ones I don't like, for their personality, as they are. And yet for myself, I am constantly wanting change, wishing I were someone and something other than I am. How could I behave so differently towards myself than towards others?
Lastly, the idea that being short is awful, because bigger is better. What it comes down to is that, humans are obsessed with humans. Being larger is more to see, more human, and we like that. Bigger eyes, bigger breasts, and longer bodies are all more. This is why being short feels like a detriment to me.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Bodies, Judgements, and Quandaries
"If a body catch a body coming through the rye."
Catching a body - making contact with another. Feeling their presence alongside yours, this is what we want and need. You, in a field of swaying rye, but alone no longer.
Really, what do you see when you look at somebody? Is somebody just 'some body'? What do our bodies give away about us, what do they really show about us, what is worth judging someone over, being attached to? Are people just some body? Where does all the stuff thats contained in our mind - our memories, desires, and histories, reside? Are our bodies the ultimate vehicle for our existence? Could it be different? Could we not have physical bodies? Whats so attractive about the physical body, then? What of when it gets ugly, and when it gets old and breaks, or diseased and harmed. Whats our relationship to our bodies and to other people's bodies? Whats our continual judgement of our bodies based on, when body characteristics are not something anyone chose? What of when we dislike our bodies?
To start, some facts about bodies:
The only thing you can see is the present moment. The body is a material object, and it is 3-d and has space. The only thing you can see is how it presently appears. You know someone's general age by looking at them.
The only thing you can do is make judgements. I know of no way to simply discern someone's bodies without making judgements. There is no way in which I could see a body and not associate it into terms of beauty and ugliness.
Think of all those people you see daily who you will never know. At first glance, you take them in. You immediately make a form of judgement; are they friendly, nice people? Are they chill? Do they look angry? Would they be your friend?
You derive these judgements from their bodies, and at first, everybody is a new body. Every person is this walking creature, and I judge from my eyes what I see.
This has been bothering me for ages that I don't know what to think when I look at a person. Their body, their image seems to never correspond well to who they in fact are. For example, I tend to see people in suits and think that they are uptight. I look at little skinny Asian women and think they are sort of foreign and not friendly, with clanging temperaments.
But whats worse are their bodies - that I make these snap judgements on people's faces and height. I tall person I see as more confident. A black person as more - black. A beautiful person as stuck up.
It becomes less important to judge people after the first time you've met. You know them, you are used to them, and you fully accept them as the body that you are percieving. Anyone's personality and image is wrapped up in their body, but you cease to notice your initial snap judgement of the body after its been multiple times of seeing them. Then, your idea of the person becomes a stereotype of their body. But you are aware of their personality mixing into the image and that differentiating how you think of each person.
When you look at somebody, you have no way of knowing anything about them. Their face, their body, even their sense of style tell you nothing about this persons history. You look at this face, this material object. But you have no way of knowing the utter amount of history that the body and mind contains. One look at a person, zero insight into their past - into loves, abuses, struggles, triumphs, hurts, passions, pains. You don't know what they used to look like, either - if they used to have dreads, or long or short hair or facial hair, fat or skinny as a kid. All you can see is where someone is presently at.
To me this is a massive discrepancy. How can the body, the only vehicle we have to see others through and percieve our own existence, be so mysterious? Really, you can only see someone's skin color and guess their family origin when you look at someone.
The problem is, I'm learning over and over and over that my snap judgements are bullshit. My judgements that look at someone's face and body are so inconsistent with the person's actual behavior and sense of self worth. I know this because I keep on looking at therapist's images in trying to pick one, and they always come out so different from the therapist's acutal personality. I thought Jennie would be mean and she's so friendly. And I thought Debbie would be warmer but she can be lacking. And Susie, I won't say it, but I did misjudge.
And lastly, we do treat people based on their current outward appearance. What are homeless people? We seem to forget they ever had the dignity of being someone who lived in a house and had a family and relationships. All I see is the current person.
Can a homeless person walk into a coffee shop? Take up the perfect environment - the pleasantness of furnishings, the coffee aroma, the air temperature that everyone longs for - AC when its sweltering out, heat when its freezing. If I was homeless, I would want to bum at a coffee shop. I don't do it much, but I have bummed at a coffee shop looking for internet. If I have every right to, what about a homeless person? What is it about being smelly and unnatractive (they would scare off customers) that makes us have to put up barriers? There are no signs sayign 'no homeless people allowed'. What would happen if someone walked in? Would they be escorted out? Would people find it unfair that they bring in their troubles and smells? Or would people be sympathetic? I'm not sympathetic, if I was I'd be giving money out to bums. Lastly, Edward gave out a dollar to a bum and he has no money, and I'm very consumed with guilt over this actions at my clinging to my valuables.
Post ending: You feel that you are an ant walking across an art painting of a natural scene. The ant is so small within the landscape that it only sees huge mountains and valleys. But in fact, you are the art.
Catching a body - making contact with another. Feeling their presence alongside yours, this is what we want and need. You, in a field of swaying rye, but alone no longer.
Really, what do you see when you look at somebody? Is somebody just 'some body'? What do our bodies give away about us, what do they really show about us, what is worth judging someone over, being attached to? Are people just some body? Where does all the stuff thats contained in our mind - our memories, desires, and histories, reside? Are our bodies the ultimate vehicle for our existence? Could it be different? Could we not have physical bodies? Whats so attractive about the physical body, then? What of when it gets ugly, and when it gets old and breaks, or diseased and harmed. Whats our relationship to our bodies and to other people's bodies? Whats our continual judgement of our bodies based on, when body characteristics are not something anyone chose? What of when we dislike our bodies?
To start, some facts about bodies:
The only thing you can see is the present moment. The body is a material object, and it is 3-d and has space. The only thing you can see is how it presently appears. You know someone's general age by looking at them.
The only thing you can do is make judgements. I know of no way to simply discern someone's bodies without making judgements. There is no way in which I could see a body and not associate it into terms of beauty and ugliness.
Think of all those people you see daily who you will never know. At first glance, you take them in. You immediately make a form of judgement; are they friendly, nice people? Are they chill? Do they look angry? Would they be your friend?
You derive these judgements from their bodies, and at first, everybody is a new body. Every person is this walking creature, and I judge from my eyes what I see.
This has been bothering me for ages that I don't know what to think when I look at a person. Their body, their image seems to never correspond well to who they in fact are. For example, I tend to see people in suits and think that they are uptight. I look at little skinny Asian women and think they are sort of foreign and not friendly, with clanging temperaments.
But whats worse are their bodies - that I make these snap judgements on people's faces and height. I tall person I see as more confident. A black person as more - black. A beautiful person as stuck up.
It becomes less important to judge people after the first time you've met. You know them, you are used to them, and you fully accept them as the body that you are percieving. Anyone's personality and image is wrapped up in their body, but you cease to notice your initial snap judgement of the body after its been multiple times of seeing them. Then, your idea of the person becomes a stereotype of their body. But you are aware of their personality mixing into the image and that differentiating how you think of each person.
When you look at somebody, you have no way of knowing anything about them. Their face, their body, even their sense of style tell you nothing about this persons history. You look at this face, this material object. But you have no way of knowing the utter amount of history that the body and mind contains. One look at a person, zero insight into their past - into loves, abuses, struggles, triumphs, hurts, passions, pains. You don't know what they used to look like, either - if they used to have dreads, or long or short hair or facial hair, fat or skinny as a kid. All you can see is where someone is presently at.
To me this is a massive discrepancy. How can the body, the only vehicle we have to see others through and percieve our own existence, be so mysterious? Really, you can only see someone's skin color and guess their family origin when you look at someone.
The problem is, I'm learning over and over and over that my snap judgements are bullshit. My judgements that look at someone's face and body are so inconsistent with the person's actual behavior and sense of self worth. I know this because I keep on looking at therapist's images in trying to pick one, and they always come out so different from the therapist's acutal personality. I thought Jennie would be mean and she's so friendly. And I thought Debbie would be warmer but she can be lacking. And Susie, I won't say it, but I did misjudge.
And lastly, we do treat people based on their current outward appearance. What are homeless people? We seem to forget they ever had the dignity of being someone who lived in a house and had a family and relationships. All I see is the current person.
Can a homeless person walk into a coffee shop? Take up the perfect environment - the pleasantness of furnishings, the coffee aroma, the air temperature that everyone longs for - AC when its sweltering out, heat when its freezing. If I was homeless, I would want to bum at a coffee shop. I don't do it much, but I have bummed at a coffee shop looking for internet. If I have every right to, what about a homeless person? What is it about being smelly and unnatractive (they would scare off customers) that makes us have to put up barriers? There are no signs sayign 'no homeless people allowed'. What would happen if someone walked in? Would they be escorted out? Would people find it unfair that they bring in their troubles and smells? Or would people be sympathetic? I'm not sympathetic, if I was I'd be giving money out to bums. Lastly, Edward gave out a dollar to a bum and he has no money, and I'm very consumed with guilt over this actions at my clinging to my valuables.
Post ending: You feel that you are an ant walking across an art painting of a natural scene. The ant is so small within the landscape that it only sees huge mountains and valleys. But in fact, you are the art.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
When Metaphors Are vs Arent Appropriate
Sage psychotherapy tries to give you alot of metaphors to combat anxiety. They sometimes work.
Metaphors they've used so far - cognitive defusions are like a chess game (I can add the one from Buddhist ananda group, thoughts are the waves and weather while you are submerged), 'sitting with' anxiety and that also being used literally in metaphor if that makes sense, not using a shield against anxiety while your thoughts are hitting you but instead using acceptance, juggling and witholding, let thoughts pass like leaves down a river. They really like to use metaphors, which maybe is part of the overall touchy/feeliness of the program. They want their metaphors to resonate.
Basically I have a maybe negative obsession against using metaphors that I developed in high school. So I have to think about this and decide whether or not the metaphors provided are useful to me. I did appreciate the 'anxiety is life getting narrower' pseudo-metaphor, and did appreciate that 'sitting with anxiety' was literally sitting with the thoughts.
I could've just told Julie that ' I didn't engage in her metaphor', like I was thinking. I'm maintaining aloofness from my thoughts. The pieces of paper really were just pieces paper, they had no relation to my thoughts. Aside from the fact that they were 'being thrown at me'; so the manner of the thinking process was truthful. Julie kept saying - there you go, removing them from your side. I hadn't even realized I was doing that. Then when she said, 'try leaving them there - just sitting with them', that did make sense to me. It wasn't a fight because they were just pieces of paper and I hadn't established any negative value to them. But it was interesting that I kept pushing them aside and it eventually ended with simply 'sitting with' them. So I did appreciate the metaphor then, but I found it irritating that she changed - she threw the papers nicer and slow than she had been doing when I had the shield.
I did appreciate that Julie got me giggling and laughing during the throwing part.
I did appreciate that Julie maintained 'coping strategies that haven't worked in the past and that maybe you are done with.'
I was witholding with Janet too that I was frustrated and that I have obsessions, not compulsions, and didn't say it in individual. But we never got around to talking about how I used to believe I 'can't drive because nowhere to go', or that I feel bad about the gas when I could be biking, or that I'm in alot of conflict about navigating, rules of traffic, glare, that I can't concentrate through mind wander, timing - being late, and there were just so many worries.
So, back to metaphors. When are metaphors appropriate? Clearly the 'sitting with' anxiety metaphor worked well for me in that instance with the shield, and the shield worked well as a metaphor too- things you do to protect yourself from your thoughts. These worked because they were metaphors that were hands on. I got to actually see the shield, and try-while-doomed to protect myself from my thoughts. Even 'let go of your shield' could be a metaphor. Literally, put it down,
By the way, this program would be such bullshit if I hadn't done CBT before and have some degree of self love and the knowledge that I'm not only my anxiety. Because they harp on it so much.
The only way they win is
Metaphors they've used so far - cognitive defusions are like a chess game (I can add the one from Buddhist ananda group, thoughts are the waves and weather while you are submerged), 'sitting with' anxiety and that also being used literally in metaphor if that makes sense, not using a shield against anxiety while your thoughts are hitting you but instead using acceptance, juggling and witholding, let thoughts pass like leaves down a river. They really like to use metaphors, which maybe is part of the overall touchy/feeliness of the program. They want their metaphors to resonate.
Basically I have a maybe negative obsession against using metaphors that I developed in high school. So I have to think about this and decide whether or not the metaphors provided are useful to me. I did appreciate the 'anxiety is life getting narrower' pseudo-metaphor, and did appreciate that 'sitting with anxiety' was literally sitting with the thoughts.
I could've just told Julie that ' I didn't engage in her metaphor', like I was thinking. I'm maintaining aloofness from my thoughts. The pieces of paper really were just pieces paper, they had no relation to my thoughts. Aside from the fact that they were 'being thrown at me'; so the manner of the thinking process was truthful. Julie kept saying - there you go, removing them from your side. I hadn't even realized I was doing that. Then when she said, 'try leaving them there - just sitting with them', that did make sense to me. It wasn't a fight because they were just pieces of paper and I hadn't established any negative value to them. But it was interesting that I kept pushing them aside and it eventually ended with simply 'sitting with' them. So I did appreciate the metaphor then, but I found it irritating that she changed - she threw the papers nicer and slow than she had been doing when I had the shield.
I did appreciate that Julie got me giggling and laughing during the throwing part.
I did appreciate that Julie maintained 'coping strategies that haven't worked in the past and that maybe you are done with.'
I was witholding with Janet too that I was frustrated and that I have obsessions, not compulsions, and didn't say it in individual. But we never got around to talking about how I used to believe I 'can't drive because nowhere to go', or that I feel bad about the gas when I could be biking, or that I'm in alot of conflict about navigating, rules of traffic, glare, that I can't concentrate through mind wander, timing - being late, and there were just so many worries.
So, back to metaphors. When are metaphors appropriate? Clearly the 'sitting with' anxiety metaphor worked well for me in that instance with the shield, and the shield worked well as a metaphor too- things you do to protect yourself from your thoughts. These worked because they were metaphors that were hands on. I got to actually see the shield, and try-while-doomed to protect myself from my thoughts. Even 'let go of your shield' could be a metaphor. Literally, put it down,
By the way, this program would be such bullshit if I hadn't done CBT before and have some degree of self love and the knowledge that I'm not only my anxiety. Because they harp on it so much.
The only way they win is
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Can Flow be Eternal?
Here's a question I pose to the internet masses who have yet to comment on my blog. hint hint
So at a yoga retreat I remember being told that from a teacher that really, what most people are looking for out of yoga is lasting happiness. The happiness that is true bliss, that doesn't fade moment to moment, that doesn't require attachment to an object to keep it going. The happiness that is fullness and content but does not go away into the next moment of slightly less than happiness, and then longing and wishful thinking for what was had. The happiness that is never the slightest bit detracted from, and which no and nothing, no circumstances, can take away from you.
So given that goal of buddhism, I'm curious what others would wish for. Maybe its because I can't see myself as being happy, but I was thinking it might be more fun to wish for a permanent state of flow. Flow as in, total occupation with whats going on, without any extra unnecesary thoughts to detract from your experiences. What would it be like to be in a permanent state of flow? You'd be highly attentive, aware, and available to others. You'd be extremely efficient, as well as acutely able to ascertain the needs of others and yourself since you aren't preoccupied with mind wander.
Would this be tiring? I'm not saying you're always on alert, so it shouldn't be tiring. While it sounds hard to keep up, in theory it should be very freeing. Because when you're in flow, you lack worries, anger, etc. In fact do you even have emotions? Or are you on neutral? But is it different from autopilot?
What would you wish for eternally? Just some of the ones I came up with were eternal happiness, eternal flow, eternal security, eternal life, eternal creativity.
Do please share, since, one of the reasons I have this blog is to learn from others. I notice that I also learn from myself through writing. But moreso, I want to share myself with others.
So at a yoga retreat I remember being told that from a teacher that really, what most people are looking for out of yoga is lasting happiness. The happiness that is true bliss, that doesn't fade moment to moment, that doesn't require attachment to an object to keep it going. The happiness that is fullness and content but does not go away into the next moment of slightly less than happiness, and then longing and wishful thinking for what was had. The happiness that is never the slightest bit detracted from, and which no and nothing, no circumstances, can take away from you.
So given that goal of buddhism, I'm curious what others would wish for. Maybe its because I can't see myself as being happy, but I was thinking it might be more fun to wish for a permanent state of flow. Flow as in, total occupation with whats going on, without any extra unnecesary thoughts to detract from your experiences. What would it be like to be in a permanent state of flow? You'd be highly attentive, aware, and available to others. You'd be extremely efficient, as well as acutely able to ascertain the needs of others and yourself since you aren't preoccupied with mind wander.
Would this be tiring? I'm not saying you're always on alert, so it shouldn't be tiring. While it sounds hard to keep up, in theory it should be very freeing. Because when you're in flow, you lack worries, anger, etc. In fact do you even have emotions? Or are you on neutral? But is it different from autopilot?
What would you wish for eternally? Just some of the ones I came up with were eternal happiness, eternal flow, eternal security, eternal life, eternal creativity.
Do please share, since, one of the reasons I have this blog is to learn from others. I notice that I also learn from myself through writing. But moreso, I want to share myself with others.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Moment to Moment
Living moment to moment is part of my lifestyle. I drift along. In some ways, I'm not in the present moment at all because I am so focused within my thoughts and only partially attending to the present moment. But this post is about the tendency to be, while in the present, constantly wistfully wishing to either be at another moment, or not fully acclimated to the changes between the present moment and the past moment.
Here's an example of what went on through my head today at various times. The point is that, at the time, that thought was the only thing going on. How could I possibly make these mood and thinking pattern transitions on a daily basis? They swing around, approaching such great highs and lows, and are encumbered by being a constantly pleasure seeking being.
Wake up: Uggghhh I don't want to be awake, I'm in so much pain... I will stay in bed. Much conflict about waking and not wanting to. 5 minutes later, less bleary, in pain, but less intense. 10 minutes later - up out of bed, and stressing about missing the meetup. 12 minutes later - in the car, stressing about the windshield being frosted over and being unable to see. 14 minutes later - being mad at myself for misunderstanding the freeway entrance sign. 15 minutes later - happily on the freeway without traffic. 16 minutes later - at meetup REI destination, smiling to meet new people, and making a sorry lame 'sorry I'm late'. 20 minutes later - 2 hours later - thought wandering through a long car ride over therapy, Susie, being neurotic, why I have perfectionist tendencies, Debbie saying 'if you close off one end of the spectrum (the lows) you don't get to feel the highs, and Dr. Soulier saying 'sometimes therapy has to drag you through the mire" and a zillion other thoughts, mindless introspection. Spend the car ride being sad my car ride mates aren't talkative, wistful for something more out of the present moment. Then introductions when we arrive and its nicer. Then the hike and I'm cold. Then I'm hot. Then I'm talking a little, then not. Then at lunch wondering who to sit with and not being talked to / with, and wanting food. Then after lunch realizing food would've made me tired. Then worrying about who to ask for a ride back and if that would be rude.
Okay this is only a tiny amount of my thoughts.
I just wanted to explain how I'm always stuck in the present moment. And it just changes all the time.
I just had such a cute moment with Sammie, my roomates son. Just now. We typed this onto the keyboard - I pointed to the key to type, he hit the keys:
drew is 3 years old.
!!!!sammie is 5 years old!!!
Now its over and another moment has begun. Its like they say in Buddhism, just a constant shift and change of thoughts, feelings, emotions, as fickle as a breeze. They also say that enlightenment is (like heaven) permanent, lasting.
I think there is something vicious about the way the moments change from second to second. You are always subject to and at the whim of the present moment, be you hot/cold/angry/irritated/joyous/worried/neutral. Its definitely something I realize while I read back on my journals - how totally variable my moods are. So, is anything real? Do any of my emotions and feelings, as intense as they are, have any sense of long term value? Doesn't this dehumanize them, deintensify, deconstruct, weaken, what I believe to be true? Isn't it all a fleeting moment? I'm so bothered by this, and powerless to change it.
Here's what I cannot change, unless I get a seriously different viewpoint from someone. Time is unidirectional. Its linear, it only expands out in one direction (to the right). You are always moving forward into it. You can't see it or feel it, but its there. You know because every moment is different than the one before. I truly can't explain this concept. Time extends and you are always falling face forward into it, tilting into something that can't hold you up. And as scary as that sounds, there is literally no evidence for me, at all, on a daily basis, that time exists. My face will forever look back at me just as I remembered it a second before. Yes, different from my face 10 years ago. But between yesterday, today and tomorrow, what has changed? Has time really gone by. Or have I just been living in a timeless universe? I'm fundamentally confused.
As I wrote this post, a slight contradiction to this is that I can see that things change - if I cut myself, the wound will heal, soon enough. That is a much smaller timescale than what I was thinking about with seeing your face change from a young to old person. I guess my acne changes too, on a daily basis. But, these changes still occur in what me feel like some void, it just feels like drifting.
Yet again, drifting comes up as a word. Drifting through my life making no connections or attachment, and without responsibilities. And now, drifting through life without feeling that time is really happening. What would be the opposite of drifting? Being anchored. Being anchored is being attached, and being connected to what I'm attached to, to being within an ocean of life, having people on a ship I am anchored to. And, that being stable, no matter what the ocean weather throws out at me, a storm or squall, etc. Look, I made a metaphor.
Its in pursuit of connection that I follow the phrase: At some point it becomes more fearful to be stuck as a bud than to emerge as a flower.
And in wanting to part of others lives, I have to learn to share of myself: To learn is to be education, but to become wise it to share what you have learned.
When I start explaining things to people, I really start learning. I look forward to that.
josh is 1 year (how big is Josh?)
Here's an example of what went on through my head today at various times. The point is that, at the time, that thought was the only thing going on. How could I possibly make these mood and thinking pattern transitions on a daily basis? They swing around, approaching such great highs and lows, and are encumbered by being a constantly pleasure seeking being.
Wake up: Uggghhh I don't want to be awake, I'm in so much pain... I will stay in bed. Much conflict about waking and not wanting to. 5 minutes later, less bleary, in pain, but less intense. 10 minutes later - up out of bed, and stressing about missing the meetup. 12 minutes later - in the car, stressing about the windshield being frosted over and being unable to see. 14 minutes later - being mad at myself for misunderstanding the freeway entrance sign. 15 minutes later - happily on the freeway without traffic. 16 minutes later - at meetup REI destination, smiling to meet new people, and making a sorry lame 'sorry I'm late'. 20 minutes later - 2 hours later - thought wandering through a long car ride over therapy, Susie, being neurotic, why I have perfectionist tendencies, Debbie saying 'if you close off one end of the spectrum (the lows) you don't get to feel the highs, and Dr. Soulier saying 'sometimes therapy has to drag you through the mire" and a zillion other thoughts, mindless introspection. Spend the car ride being sad my car ride mates aren't talkative, wistful for something more out of the present moment. Then introductions when we arrive and its nicer. Then the hike and I'm cold. Then I'm hot. Then I'm talking a little, then not. Then at lunch wondering who to sit with and not being talked to / with, and wanting food. Then after lunch realizing food would've made me tired. Then worrying about who to ask for a ride back and if that would be rude.
Okay this is only a tiny amount of my thoughts.
I just wanted to explain how I'm always stuck in the present moment. And it just changes all the time.
I just had such a cute moment with Sammie, my roomates son. Just now. We typed this onto the keyboard - I pointed to the key to type, he hit the keys:
drew is 3 years old.
!!!!sammie is 5 years old!!!
Now its over and another moment has begun. Its like they say in Buddhism, just a constant shift and change of thoughts, feelings, emotions, as fickle as a breeze. They also say that enlightenment is (like heaven) permanent, lasting.
I think there is something vicious about the way the moments change from second to second. You are always subject to and at the whim of the present moment, be you hot/cold/angry/irritated/joyous/worried/neutral. Its definitely something I realize while I read back on my journals - how totally variable my moods are. So, is anything real? Do any of my emotions and feelings, as intense as they are, have any sense of long term value? Doesn't this dehumanize them, deintensify, deconstruct, weaken, what I believe to be true? Isn't it all a fleeting moment? I'm so bothered by this, and powerless to change it.
Here's what I cannot change, unless I get a seriously different viewpoint from someone. Time is unidirectional. Its linear, it only expands out in one direction (to the right). You are always moving forward into it. You can't see it or feel it, but its there. You know because every moment is different than the one before. I truly can't explain this concept. Time extends and you are always falling face forward into it, tilting into something that can't hold you up. And as scary as that sounds, there is literally no evidence for me, at all, on a daily basis, that time exists. My face will forever look back at me just as I remembered it a second before. Yes, different from my face 10 years ago. But between yesterday, today and tomorrow, what has changed? Has time really gone by. Or have I just been living in a timeless universe? I'm fundamentally confused.
As I wrote this post, a slight contradiction to this is that I can see that things change - if I cut myself, the wound will heal, soon enough. That is a much smaller timescale than what I was thinking about with seeing your face change from a young to old person. I guess my acne changes too, on a daily basis. But, these changes still occur in what me feel like some void, it just feels like drifting.
Yet again, drifting comes up as a word. Drifting through my life making no connections or attachment, and without responsibilities. And now, drifting through life without feeling that time is really happening. What would be the opposite of drifting? Being anchored. Being anchored is being attached, and being connected to what I'm attached to, to being within an ocean of life, having people on a ship I am anchored to. And, that being stable, no matter what the ocean weather throws out at me, a storm or squall, etc. Look, I made a metaphor.
Its in pursuit of connection that I follow the phrase: At some point it becomes more fearful to be stuck as a bud than to emerge as a flower.
And in wanting to part of others lives, I have to learn to share of myself: To learn is to be education, but to become wise it to share what you have learned.
When I start explaining things to people, I really start learning. I look forward to that.
josh is 1 year (how big is Josh?)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Self Awareness: I Look at You, I See Myself
This post is about the concept of self awareness. In some ways I think it defines me even more than anxiety. Self awareness can feel awkward, brutally awkward when your self awareness involves self judgement.
I think it hit me as an epiphany one day that all this time I spent looking out at the world, scanning, what I was seeing was other people, versus what they were seeing was me. So, I had the self-as-object looking out view, in addition to the self-awareness-of-self-object-looking-out view.
It was a wierd thing to become aware of. It made me hyper aware of myself, knowing that I was being looked at as an object of attention. I started being aware of my facial expressions alot more.
I think it hit me as an epiphany one day that all this time I spent looking out at the world, scanning, what I was seeing was other people, versus what they were seeing was me. So, I had the self-as-object looking out view, in addition to the self-awareness-of-self-object-looking-out view.
It was a wierd thing to become aware of. It made me hyper aware of myself, knowing that I was being looked at as an object of attention. I started being aware of my facial expressions alot more.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Twice Removed From Society - a post on the sheer anonymity of life
I'm writing this post to reflect on partly why I have such fears in my life and my experience of being human. This post reflects a staple of my existence - drifting, terribly throughout my life as I interact with the world in a state of anonymity and loneliness. I'm forever trapped because the world confounds me in how vastly large it is, it supersedes everything that I as one person can contain. Life is by nature teeming and overwhelming.
I hate traveling, because I get lost and fearful in feeling such vastness. Unfortunately, when I travel, I become intimately and fearfully aware of the magnitude of persons living. Its an intricate web of life, and between societies, states, professions, and personal freedoms, it is dizzying. Due to my lack of belonging, I feel a void, a chasm, between me and the next thing. Its false because everywhere I go, people could have moved from or to, come as kids or transplanted as adults, be on vacation, etc. And to each person there I accept them, unquestionable, as being a part of it. Versus I don't apply the same logic to myself; they have every right to be there, so why shouldn't I?
Lack of connection is so painful, and there are so many scales it operates on. First to my family - or to (lack thereof) friends and close relationships. Then there is lack of connection to a social or spiritual group or employment. Then there is a lack of connection to my place- to where I live. It feels as if I'm just drifting here among so many others, and that since I have no reason to be here versus elsewhere, I don't have any claim to be here. And that makes me feel anonymous, and that anonymity contributes to loneliness and despair. It is odd because I do pay for my rent and so do have a right to be here, in this house. But then I get stymied - why not live anywhere else? At any other house? Just because I have chosen this one spot, randomly really, ...
I'm convinced that my life is completely anonymous. Why do I feel this way? This is a byproduct of society being far too large and complicated of a web from the point of view of me, a solitary individual. There are simply so many facets of my life that spills over into and onto and through society. I can't very well see where the borders are all blurred. Its obvious that I'm interacting with society on so many scales, but, I just don't feel as though there's a place cut out for me, specifically, a niche that I can feed on and live on, and thrive in. Without that little cutout for Marissa, a little spot spooned out for me to inhabit, and me alone, it feels anonymous as though I just chose a little veined area on the surface of a cantaloupe to call ' this is my life'. I don't want to decide these things.
Some examples of anonymity that get me flustered: the anonymity of traffic, traffic lights and roads that you cross but don't leave your mark on, everyone does this, use but not personalize, the anonymity of being a consumer in modern culture, or buying goods by money without having to work to make the goods. Money enters and exits your wallet. When you go into a store, you have a purpose and right to be there. But what if you don't have money? If you're just window shopping? The store is simply a vehicle for you to choose and then take home your various wants and needs. Nowhere in that supply chain exists belonging and caring.
Commercialism and modern culture sets us up for anonymity, too - there's no one behind a screen, no one who you have to contact with to send signals and communicate that you are in fact responsive to what is being broadcasted. Rather, commercials go out to everyone - with equality, the same commercial to everyone, but without respect to individualism. All consumers are treated the same, and same with in stores. This conformity, such as all products in a Target chain store being the same, leads to the individual feeling at a loss for personal connection. I know this isn't the case for local and independent stores however, where the employees are in it for the long haul along with the customers.
But there is definite anonymity in public spaces - designed to be seen and enjoyed by the masses, then left as is. They are always clean and yet unattended by cleaning staff; often you don't see the caretakers (janitors, etc) and don't acknowledge them if you do. You are expected to pass through as do dozens, hundreds, thousands, etc of people a year do too. Same with public transit - get on, get off, don't cause a ruckus, and that is acceptable and desirable to society. Transportation networks and public transit are to me a hugely anonymous creation although I admit they have massive benefit.
Where do these rules and laws come with that I should expect anything different from society? The angst, the pain, the anguish, I can imagine it different, can't I?
I hate traveling, because I get lost and fearful in feeling such vastness. Unfortunately, when I travel, I become intimately and fearfully aware of the magnitude of persons living. Its an intricate web of life, and between societies, states, professions, and personal freedoms, it is dizzying. Due to my lack of belonging, I feel a void, a chasm, between me and the next thing. Its false because everywhere I go, people could have moved from or to, come as kids or transplanted as adults, be on vacation, etc. And to each person there I accept them, unquestionable, as being a part of it. Versus I don't apply the same logic to myself; they have every right to be there, so why shouldn't I?
Lack of connection is so painful, and there are so many scales it operates on. First to my family - or to (lack thereof) friends and close relationships. Then there is lack of connection to a social or spiritual group or employment. Then there is a lack of connection to my place- to where I live. It feels as if I'm just drifting here among so many others, and that since I have no reason to be here versus elsewhere, I don't have any claim to be here. And that makes me feel anonymous, and that anonymity contributes to loneliness and despair. It is odd because I do pay for my rent and so do have a right to be here, in this house. But then I get stymied - why not live anywhere else? At any other house? Just because I have chosen this one spot, randomly really, ...
I'm convinced that my life is completely anonymous. Why do I feel this way? This is a byproduct of society being far too large and complicated of a web from the point of view of me, a solitary individual. There are simply so many facets of my life that spills over into and onto and through society. I can't very well see where the borders are all blurred. Its obvious that I'm interacting with society on so many scales, but, I just don't feel as though there's a place cut out for me, specifically, a niche that I can feed on and live on, and thrive in. Without that little cutout for Marissa, a little spot spooned out for me to inhabit, and me alone, it feels anonymous as though I just chose a little veined area on the surface of a cantaloupe to call ' this is my life'. I don't want to decide these things.
Some examples of anonymity that get me flustered: the anonymity of traffic, traffic lights and roads that you cross but don't leave your mark on, everyone does this, use but not personalize, the anonymity of being a consumer in modern culture, or buying goods by money without having to work to make the goods. Money enters and exits your wallet. When you go into a store, you have a purpose and right to be there. But what if you don't have money? If you're just window shopping? The store is simply a vehicle for you to choose and then take home your various wants and needs. Nowhere in that supply chain exists belonging and caring.
Commercialism and modern culture sets us up for anonymity, too - there's no one behind a screen, no one who you have to contact with to send signals and communicate that you are in fact responsive to what is being broadcasted. Rather, commercials go out to everyone - with equality, the same commercial to everyone, but without respect to individualism. All consumers are treated the same, and same with in stores. This conformity, such as all products in a Target chain store being the same, leads to the individual feeling at a loss for personal connection. I know this isn't the case for local and independent stores however, where the employees are in it for the long haul along with the customers.
But there is definite anonymity in public spaces - designed to be seen and enjoyed by the masses, then left as is. They are always clean and yet unattended by cleaning staff; often you don't see the caretakers (janitors, etc) and don't acknowledge them if you do. You are expected to pass through as do dozens, hundreds, thousands, etc of people a year do too. Same with public transit - get on, get off, don't cause a ruckus, and that is acceptable and desirable to society. Transportation networks and public transit are to me a hugely anonymous creation although I admit they have massive benefit.
Where do these rules and laws come with that I should expect anything different from society? The angst, the pain, the anguish, I can imagine it different, can't I?
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