Mind Wander

Janet - You don't seem judgemental to me.  But you don't tell people what's on their mind.  Daniel ' you have strong feelings' and Susie's 'Marissa you have alot of feelings' and Deborah 'what do you do with all these feelings, then?'. I don't know.  Wish I explored that.  being frustrated that I did thank her for her perspetive and she said 'was that you thanking me' and I was conflicted because I didn't want to thank her, that why I brushed over it, I was more mad and stuff.  mistrust. 

learned my thoughts determine my mood, not the other way around

got stuck in replay last night and realized when I tried to think about my job interview, my forehead relaxed

I'm in a major state of transition, it is wierd

have been feeling so frustrated 'up to here' with Julie and then Daniel comes out and says how they are acting wierd, they can't understand why..

Lee 'you just need to learn how to be'

being sooo hurt by Susie, I didn't deserve it

realized that I said to group 'I really miss her' adn I didn't, I was just replaying and getting sucked into my past when I really missed her.

replay is irrelevant.  I was to not fall into the relevancy boat.

My thoughts determine my mood, this is a huge realization.  I thought the thoughts follow the mood, but, its that the thoughts set the mood - angsty thoughts lead to depression.

take the emotion out of the angst out of my thoughts, and they are way easier to deal with

I am changing, alot - now I don't hate meditation, now I am sleeping less fitfully, there are opportunities available to me to not dreadfully people scan with a pained expression while in a new place,

the comparison, the evaluation - its useless, I'm just at where I'm at, so is everyone else

My transcedent sense of self is a cloud. A cloud is a state of being, it cannot be compared.  Its above everything

And my current life is me in a boat tossed around in the tides of my thoughts.  I need to remember to steer or else I will be stranded in an ocean of irrelevancy.

multiple things over the weekend - I tried reading aloud in order to read, tried to let there be an awkward silence, without rising to the occassion to say something - stopped myself.  crazy.  The other person talked, too.  I decided to read siddhartha online, to get over the resistance of reading online 'because my eyes hurt'.  I got facebook.  I tried to stop mind wandering when I wake by looking around at stuff.

I need to get out of mind wander mode - stop journaling, out the pen down and look up.

and what is this  helplessness I feel over cutting through mind wander?  Its just a word to describe a little brain blank thats really not a big deal - its physically just a feeling of tightness.  thats all.  nothing to go to great lengths to avoid.  Plus I value all the times I have thought.

There is nothing to be anxious about but anxiety itself, and the anxiety is not all that bad.

I told Deborah I want her to set time in therapy for us to plan long term.  She said 'I want you to own that' - its true, long term planning is seriously a part of my values and its a powerful thing for me to own, and work towards.

Karen ' you do focus on these things'

monday night process group, when Amanda started crying 'I'm sure people think I'm boring and annoying', and when Adam was surprised at being thanked for introducing himself and Chris said 'it was cool', versus me I was totally delighted.

was invited to live music, yay, with Keith'

I'm so much is a state of transition its crazy --- meditation is fine, I don't feel like I want to rage on food,

I want to think about food and count how much it costs

was surprised that Daniel said we hung out -- it was a secret to me, witheld that though

interestingly, I kept the convo up when didn't care when Edward said 'we could stay here', then he made some mean rude joke, knew I shouldn'tve asked.  BUT then I said instead of witheld 'I feel like you're being rude and condesciding to me, expecting me to be excellent at life since I'm in this program' because he said 'do they teach you to grow wings' and he said sorry and sort of admitted that was what he was doing.  However I just felt sad with him meanwhile telling him about the program.

Have been surprised by my and Edwards similariteis- he felt bad about being misdiagnosed with Schizo, same with me to Aspergers, adn he jsut wants his mind clear, me too!, and stuff and such.

had a fairly good session with Deborah today, with the focus of 'what are cognitive defusions against your body hair'?

I answered 'don't get sucked into the emotion because I was reliving getting sucked into being hopeless and helpless with her, but no, I want to feel the emotion.

decided I should try to help my body by recieving touch - is is a value of mine so while my body is hairy it can at least be comforted, I should put my energy towards that.

My body hair is just a sqaure on teh chessboard.

She did say, what do you do with that - the disatisfaction of not getting what you want from me, not getting the responses.  I don't know.  I'm confused how to answer that.

'I have no intention of eating that'