No Diagnosis -- but such severity of issues - am I dying?

Told Kyla that I am dying (so I think).  She said no, you can't not while I'm alive... lol what a stupid response.  But at least I got that out of the way so that she can know why I am not responding to text and stuff, that was a worry of mine.

Lord, I am quite a worried child, am I not?  Why can't I just be free to say whatever I want and feel what I want, express what I want, (dislike what I want!)

Anyways, I basically can't stand, can't lift, can't eat, can't sleep.  My mind (body) just goes crazy at night- all alone with SO many issues that are hurting and taking up my attention.  

I'm scared that I'm going to get a bowel obstruction.  This past week, I've only gone number two ... twice, and they both were really hard pellets, that I just simply couldn't evacuate from my body.

more thoughts about my health problems which are really bad

I don't know what is going on!  I don't know if this is a leaky gut injecting things into my body, Lyme's disease, cancer (bone cancer, brain cancer, anything else that is causing a paraneoplastic syndrome..)
I don't know! I am having so many neurological symptoms- spasms in my muscles (that thing where the intercostal muscles were so tight! That was crazy).  Dizzy/shaky/wooshing in ears, weakness, tightness, tiredness, vomiting.

I'm also having frequent changes in mood - terribly anxious, then fine, then just miserably sad, then just kind of out of it and without feeling.

Then there's - is it a nutritional thing? Lack of a micronutrient, due to gastroparesis and/or leaky gut.


I must not concern myself with what is going on in my body, since I never seem to come up with any good answers.  But the worse the pain gets, the more it has me going online, which is ugh.

If it was a micronutrient deficiency, would it cause these exact symptoms?  I don't know but seems like perhaps not.  Although the Vit C deficiency thing is interesting, I guess.

So I was going on and on about histamine  But, I suppose that its

Who shall help me?

This is scary!  scary scary scary.

April 2019 how I'm doing

So- here I am, 4 months into the new year
Here's generally what has been going on

- My body pain is really, really bad.  I basically just can't walk or hold myself up at all.  I don't even feel like I used to feel, which is I used to have the energy to get out and do stuff, but back pain kind of stopped me.  Now I don't even have the energy to go out and do stuff.

-One thing that's changed with the increase in pain (which FYI I believe is due to Cymbalta issues),is I can't sit anymore!  Sitting hurts my entire back, not just my low back, to a degree beyond what it used to.  Also, my legs just don't work either, due to how tight they are.

- I was on Gabapentin this year, and went from initial taking 1mg (1 milligram!!) to taking 600 mg 3x a day, because it felt so good.  Fast forward a month, and things were getting weird.  Like I was having these sensations where I'd be really tight in between my 6 hours doses, then the dose would totally relieve it and feel great! But only for a little bit.  Then fast forward another few months and I was getting serious, terribly painful feeling in my mid back at night- my whole back sort of seizing with tightness.  It was definitely a symptom of Gabapentin, nothing else had changed.

- I wondered how I'd even withdraw from Gabapentin- was it even possible? Because I was essentially having such extreme withdrawal type symptoms IN BETWEEN DOSES.  What would I do without the next dose?
I do remember having the most extreme, severe headache I could ever imagine, when I dropped my first dose of Gabapentin.  I was dropping doses in thirds.  Then the rest of the week was okay.  Then the next week all went to hell- nausea, nausea, I don't remember what else honestly except that I felt really bad.  I spent months in so much pain that I was in bed, almost all day.  I couldn't even go to the animal shelter because walking hurt too much.  Sometimes I'd have this feeling like my muscles would get really rigid or tight, and it would feel like I was being squeezed by a boa constrictor from my own body.  It was HORRIBLE.
Also, an interesting thing to note is that, when I was getting to the end of my Gabapentin taper, I started taking it at half doses- like half of a 300 mg pill.  That was miserable.  It was like my body blew through it in a minute and then went into withdrawal again right after.  It was really scary too.

- I basically spend so much time in bed, and my head/mind just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like I could think.
- So I went on Cymbalta in November 2018 to "help me with this", because I can't make it through this withdrawal.  Well, it just didn't get better.  My pain levels continued to be really high, I wasn't doing much of anything, (internet browsing a lot at home but that's about all), and my head still didn't feel right.

So- I started TMS at SoCal TMS, since A) I was already thinking of doing it and B) I just literally couldn't improve after my Gabapentin withdrawal, so I felt that I really needed a big time solution.

TMS was crazy.  I got tons of pain in my whole body, and excessively tired.  It was dramatically bad. I barely got to session number 12, and then finally I was going to quit.  My insurance paid for 38 sessions (7 weeks plus a few).  I wanted to try it, I wanted it to make me better...

So, I started telling them that they HAD to keep the level down, or I'd quit.  Which they did.  No problem. They couldn't have done that all along? lol. Then I was switched to right sided only, which I tolerated somewhat better, but no change in my mood or anything.


So finally- I didn't KNOW this, but turns out, that that head sensation and lethargy were due to Cymbalta, as well as to Gabapentin withdrawal.  Because lo and behold, once I changed that 20 mg dose to 30 mg dose, the fatigue just left.  Same day.  But then I started having more problems with it. Nausea, it was becoming more apparent that I was having nausea after taking my dose, which I had again been thinking was due to my Gabapentin withdrawal problem.
So- 30 mg isn't good for me, either.  It helped for a few days, I was feeling much more like myself, thank goodness.  But then I realized that it just doesn't seem to be lasting a whole day.  I don't know why.  It doesn't make much sense.  Its like it was lasting half a day, giving me energy but also bad nausea.

As soon as I made that (actually fairly small) switch from 20 to 25 mg Cymbalta, boom, I tolerated TMS fine- no side effects no problems.  Even the treatments weren't a huge problem, although I still got neck spasm many times. We went up to 120% for the remaining sessions left which was two and a half weeks, both left and right sided, versus earlier I'd been at around 80% and barely tolerating it.

I ended up doing an entire 42 sessions of TMS. That's a lot! I've felt absolutely nothing good from it whatsoever, though, now that I'm done with treatment.  Theoretically, that could be because I didn't get a full 25-40 sessions at therapeutic value of 120%, but still, you would've hoped I'd feel something, even small.

So anyhoo, I'm now going to quit Cymbalta, after having been on it for 6 months (holy shit!).  That's by FAR the longest i've ever been on an antidepressant, and it didn't work whatsoever.  Think my overthinking was a BIT better than usual, but not enough to be like, hey I feel fine.  And my general pain and lethargy were so bad, all day every day.

So that's interesting.  20 mg Cymbalta - a low dose, was really fucking with me.  Never would have guessed it, since I remembered having tolerated it fine.

I can't wait to get off it fully and feel more like myself!  A little more energy, a little less pain (well- that part is IRONIC- given that my NORMAL pain levels cause me to be so unhappy).  But I can't wait to get back to THAT.

I got my period!

began 04/18/19

honestly it was just completely out of the blue!

I've been in the worst pain of my life for the last 6 months - from the Gabapentin withdrawal nightmare to the long-term Cymbalta nightmare, so I have no reason to be doing well enough to have gotten my period. lol

But anyways- here's my theories:
1) I took Fluconazole two weeks ago ..  this is definitely possible; I had gotten my period before, shortly after taking fluconazole.  BUT last year I took Fluconazole so many times, and didn't get that many periods, although I did get 4 periods last year, which is enormous for me.  so ?

2) all these peppermint oil (includes thyme oil) supplements- Heather's Tummy Tamers.  Doesn't really seem like the reason, but I saw online that thyme oil will 'regulate your hormones'

3) just because of taking Cymbalta long term.  Doesn't really seem right, since I was on it for 5 months, so A) it could have happened faster and B) I was on Cymbalta other times and didn't get it
But it IS possible, since being on Cymbalta long-term, I haven't had such intense overthinking like normal, and that seems to have something to do with my neurotransmitter levels.  IE- a few times when I had good results from antidepressants, I did get my period

Btw, it did give me the insight, that all that time I wondered how I got my period with doctor Olsen- was it the 5 months of gluten-free, the Takesumi- now I think it was the Prolent/Lentra.  So, I'm totally down to try Prolent/Lentra again, although wow is that stuff expensive or what.

4) I actually think it was the Fluconazole, just due to the timing.  Maybe I should take Fluconazole once a month and just make it a habit.  I can take it when I give Carly her dog meds, LOL.

5) I've been drinking cranberry juice recently, I dunno, who knows

6) I've also been eating a lot of cheese just recently, actually just one specific kind- the Pepperjack Cheese from the Cracker Barrel (tastes really good! I like how thick the pieces are!  I eat that shit like candy)
.. interesting, I just looked at my last period bio, and - I had eaten more cheese that time around, too.

Is it possible that I have a stomach parasite?

My dreams were completely crazy last month around the full moon.
I was wondering it since my stomach has been so messed up, and the trouble with bowel movements making me so sick.  Now, I know that its Gabapentin Withdrawal that is causing the stomach problems, since that clearly happened after I lowered my dose.  And, I ceased to remember that, while I was obsessing about possibly having a parasite.

But it IS kind of interesting.  My dreams were so crazy- up all night, then crazy dreams the week up to and on the full moon.  It ceased, but I started TMS, so that's a whole other factor.

But now..  the full moon will come again in two weeks, so I am curious to see my response to it or not.

edits below:

How I'm doing on Lyrica / Gabapentin taper

I did quit Gabapentin entirely and went through a week of basically soul-crushing 'hardness' in my entire body.  It was as if a liquid went through me and then turned solid in my veins and muscles.  I was also really, abominably cold.  Like, didn't show my legs for a week straight because I needed clothing to cover them due to cold.  But also terribly hypersensitive to the feeling of clothing, so I basically only wore yoga pants.

Then I went on Lyrica.  It did make me feel like my muscles relaxed.  Although it was like a two-step thing.  I would feel it when I took it (the 25 mg), and it would make me feel something in my forehead and get really tired and kind of dizzy in my thinking.  That  lasted a while - like a few hours.  Then as that slowly subsided over several hours, I got more and more normal feeling. - less body pain, and less forehead pain.  However, My whole body was still incredibly tight due to how I felt after just having weaned off Gabapentin, and that did not go away.  So it was like having less pain on top of tons of pain.  I was wondering why I felt like that but I understand it now.  If I had taken Lyrica without all that excessive tightness from Gabapentin withdrawal it probably would have been better.

Anyways, I went from taking 25 mg Lyrica to 12.5 because of the dizzy tiredness.  I did not get the dizzy tiredness at 12.5  At first it seemed successful on my first dose, then, and perhaps I had poured out more than the time before, I just didn't feel it hardly at all.  Then I got withdrawal symptoms on that smaller dose, and thought, "NAH", and stopped taking it.

So, what occurred after that was interesting withdrawal symptoms- my body got kind of crazy feeling, then subsequently all hard (bad), then the ER thing happened for about a day where my thoughts were kind of flying, and my body STOPPED HURTING.  Then I woke up and felt normal, which for me is calm and back pain.  Which I haven't felt like in a month.  So the withdrawal may be coming to an end.  I'll miss you, ER stuff.  I'll miss how my body didn't hurt.


So, there is a middle ground.  I could have taken around 20 mg.  I think the issue is that it needs to last long enough to completely overlap with the next dose; it can't leave any wiggle room in between the doses.  That is a bit tough for me to figure out because at the 25 mg twice a day dose, I get too tired in the beginning.  (Although I did feel nice and calm for so many hours after that!).  So it's a crapshoot.  And I probably won't ever want to take it for the rest of my life and get addicted to it.

How I'm doing on Lyrica/ Gabapentin taper

I'm doing terrible, I'm unhappy, I'm in ALOT of pain which is not letting me go out and drive or do anything to speak of.  Although I have been to synagogue, it really hurts my neck and I can't stand during the standing prayers.

Okay so here's what happened:  I went to the rheumatologist and got prescribed Lyrica.  I was supposed to taper from Gabapentin at 300 mg every few days.

When I started the taper, I was surprised that my daily waking up in back muscle spasms stopped happening.  I had a few instances of side effects - headaches, but not too much.  It seemed like I was just in a generally huge amount of pain.  My muscles were all tight, I wasn't doing much besides staying home and occasionally walking Carly to get out of the house.  Its hard to explain - I was in more pain, but I was in less distressing muscle cramping.  So I thought I was doing fairly well, all things considered, as compared to how awful and horrible I was expecting.

But then a couple weeks in the stomach stuff really started.  Those fast bowel movements, light colored, and full of gas.  The gas wouldn't go away and it got terrible after a shit.  It was really weird. I'd wake up okay, but then as soon as I ate and had a BM, I'd be in pain for hours and hours.

I tried a slew of antacids over the counter, all of which didn't work for more than a minute.  I tried: Mylanta, milk of magnesia, TUMS, and Pepsid AC.  I had a funny week of trying them and feeling various muscle releasing (for just a few moments), which made me wonder if my muscle pain has something to do with stomach gas?  I mean what?  Why else would it cause that?  But on the whole, I couldn't figure out what was happening.  It didn't go away.  I went on Omeprazole, have been on it for 5 days.

Still taking Cymbalta.

Now as far as LYRICA:

I tried Lyrica once- 25 mg, and felt kind of helter-skelter pain relief.  I tried it because I was in so much pain from Gabapentin withdrawal, but didn't want to take more Gabapentin since I want to taper off it.  I tried it sincerely due to needing pain relief.  I am in more pain than I can tolerate.  Like I can't think or anything in this much pain.  I would if I had to, but its really horrible and I can't move and I can't be happy and I hate my life and should I kill myself, I don't know..?  etc.

I also tried 50 mg and that worked really well, gave me lots of pain relief.  I actually just laid down in bed and ended up napping a few hours. 

So Lyrica is giving me withdrawal symptoms too! After its initial pain relief- and boy do my muscles relax thank god.  Its like a feeling I don't even recognize, but it feels so right.  But anyways, with Lyrica, the pain relief has been sporadic - place to place to place, not all over.  Not only that, but it causes lots of cramping, at the same time as the pain relief.  And then yesterday, I took 50 mg, and got all wierd and pain relief, but,  when I slept i just woke up in pain with spasming muscles.  FUCK ME is how I feel.

What the fuck to do?  When I go off my meds, I get the stomach problem that doesn't go away, and gets worse with time.  And pain.  Which of course I need the meds to help with.  Dear god.  

I am so fuckign frustrated.  I hate that these meds cause me so much pain and cause me to feel like I am in a spiral of increased pain that i am never going to get out of.