So- here I am, 4 months into the new year
Here's generally what has been going on
- My body pain is really, really bad. I basically just can't walk or hold myself up at all. I don't even feel like I used to feel, which is I used to have the energy to get out and do stuff, but back pain kind of stopped me. Now I don't even have the energy to go out and do stuff.
-One thing that's changed with the increase in pain (which FYI I believe is due to Cymbalta issues),is I can't sit anymore! Sitting hurts my entire back, not just my low back, to a degree beyond what it used to. Also, my legs just don't work either, due to how tight they are.
- I was on Gabapentin this year, and went from initial taking 1mg (1 milligram!!) to taking 600 mg 3x a day, because it felt so good. Fast forward a month, and things were getting weird. Like I was having these sensations where I'd be really tight in between my 6 hours doses, then the dose would totally relieve it and feel great! But only for a little bit. Then fast forward another few months and I was getting serious, terribly painful feeling in my mid back at night- my whole back sort of seizing with tightness. It was definitely a symptom of Gabapentin, nothing else had changed.
- I wondered how I'd even withdraw from Gabapentin- was it even possible? Because I was essentially having such extreme withdrawal type symptoms IN BETWEEN DOSES. What would I do without the next dose?
I do remember having the most extreme, severe headache I could ever imagine, when I dropped my first dose of Gabapentin. I was dropping doses in thirds. Then the rest of the week was okay. Then the next week all went to hell- nausea, nausea, I don't remember what else honestly except that I felt really bad. I spent months in so much pain that I was in bed, almost all day. I couldn't even go to the animal shelter because walking hurt too much. Sometimes I'd have this feeling like my muscles would get really rigid or tight, and it would feel like I was being squeezed by a boa constrictor from my own body. It was HORRIBLE.
Also, an interesting thing to note is that, when I was getting to the end of my Gabapentin taper, I started taking it at half doses- like half of a 300 mg pill. That was miserable. It was like my body blew through it in a minute and then went into withdrawal again right after. It was really scary too.
- I basically spend so much time in bed, and my head/mind just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like I could think.
- So I went on Cymbalta in November 2018 to "help me with this", because I can't make it through this withdrawal. Well, it just didn't get better. My pain levels continued to be really high, I wasn't doing much of anything, (internet browsing a lot at home but that's about all), and my head still didn't feel right.
So- I started TMS at SoCal TMS, since A) I was already thinking of doing it and B) I just literally couldn't improve after my Gabapentin withdrawal, so I felt that I really needed a big time solution.
TMS was crazy. I got tons of pain in my whole body, and excessively tired. It was dramatically bad. I barely got to session number 12, and then finally I was going to quit. My insurance paid for 38 sessions (7 weeks plus a few). I wanted to try it, I wanted it to make me better...
So, I started telling them that they HAD to keep the level down, or I'd quit. Which they did. No problem. They couldn't have done that all along? lol. Then I was switched to right sided only, which I tolerated somewhat better, but no change in my mood or anything.
So finally- I didn't KNOW this, but turns out, that that head sensation and lethargy were due to Cymbalta, as well as to Gabapentin withdrawal. Because lo and behold, once I changed that 20 mg dose to 30 mg dose, the fatigue just left. Same day. But then I started having more problems with it. Nausea, it was becoming more apparent that I was having nausea after taking my dose, which I had again been thinking was due to my Gabapentin withdrawal problem.
So- 30 mg isn't good for me, either. It helped for a few days, I was feeling much more like myself, thank goodness. But then I realized that it just doesn't seem to be lasting a whole day. I don't know why. It doesn't make much sense. Its like it was lasting half a day, giving me energy but also bad nausea.
As soon as I made that (actually fairly small) switch from 20 to 25 mg Cymbalta, boom, I tolerated TMS fine- no side effects no problems. Even the treatments weren't a huge problem, although I still got neck spasm many times. We went up to 120% for the remaining sessions left which was two and a half weeks, both left and right sided, versus earlier I'd been at around 80% and barely tolerating it.
I ended up doing an entire 42 sessions of TMS. That's a lot! I've felt absolutely nothing good from it whatsoever, though, now that I'm done with treatment. Theoretically, that could be because I didn't get a full 25-40 sessions at therapeutic value of 120%, but still, you would've hoped I'd feel something, even small.
So anyhoo, I'm now going to quit Cymbalta, after having been on it for 6 months (holy shit!). That's by FAR the longest i've ever been on an antidepressant, and it didn't work whatsoever. Think my overthinking was a BIT better than usual, but not enough to be like, hey I feel fine. And my general pain and lethargy were so bad, all day every day.
So that's interesting. 20 mg Cymbalta - a low dose, was really fucking with me. Never would have guessed it, since I remembered having tolerated it fine.
I can't wait to get off it fully and feel more like myself! A little more energy, a little less pain (well- that part is IRONIC- given that my NORMAL pain levels cause me to be so unhappy). But I can't wait to get back to THAT.
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