Well, I didn't really keep track of what I ate minute by minute. Here is what I remember though:
Breakfast- I forget. some chocolate. A little hummus and carrot
Lunch- chicken bowl from Lazy Dog Cafe which included- blackened chicken with seasonings, avocado, cheese, peas, a little rice, salsa. Also- a bit of Lev''s omelette. Also, some ice cream.
Snack- Ate chips (corn) and hummus. I haven't eaten corn in a long time. Also- cucumber. peeled apricot. parsley and sardines with olive oil.
drank- garlic tea, later, and apple cider vinegar diluted with water
Fairly suddenly 8pm-ish, got the movement feeling in my body, light sensitivity, very uncomfortable.
Can't understand if this is a good or bad thing, because it does bring pain relief. But it also makes me feel so scared and anxious, and my muscles cramp. It also makes me feel like I can think and type really fast, although my attention is on how weird the rushing feeling is.
For some reason, even though I "feel movement" all over my body, my back does not change. It stays stuck. This part sucks!
Also, my throat intermittently close up and opens. Feel like my ears are going to pop unless the gas goes away. Which makes me think its an allergy/immune response. Kind of makes sense. Although- a response to something I ATE or something internal like a PARASITE? I DON'T KNOW. F
Medications: Birth control pill, day 6 of 8 of Macrobid, took a liver supplement, took calcium and magnesium in the morning
I would like to think this is a detox reaction and that its "ok", but I really don't know what this is.
It reminds me of Fluconazole a little- in some ways yes, but some ways no. Yes- movement in my body. No- muscles aren't relaxing such as my back and stomach
Eating makes it better. When I eat, the gas goes away. But just for a little, then it comes right back. This sucks! This is so scary. What is happening to me?
update- the ER notes said that my neurological signs were normal. Something is causing all this gas though... So even though it feels like pressure and muscle changes, which seems neurological, plus my thinking is so much faster (?), its something to do with gas that is trapped and moves about.
Saturday, June 9, 2018
Friday, June 8, 2018
Eating Log
06/08
I had woken up, after sleeping downstairs on the couch, in less pain than the day before. no breathing problems
Morning- ate yogurt with apricot
and a hot dish of cooked coconut oil, kidney beans, and pepper powder, and cilantro
and, a smoothie of coconut milk, greens powder and banana
currently: have not taken medications yet
feel like I can't breathe. constipated. Food is making gurgling noises.
update 5 min later- PAIN in neck
10 min later- fast shit, then pain receded
a few hours later- feeling of movement in my legs, not breathing well, gassy feeling in stomach
Was it: coconut oil, banana, chili powder?
A few hours later- burped a little, but didn't make the gas feeling go away
Ate some canned pineapple
Not long after- symptoms of problems.. headache, weird feeling in my body.
HMMM
Am I doing poorly with sugar? Wi
I had woken up, after sleeping downstairs on the couch, in less pain than the day before. no breathing problems
Morning- ate yogurt with apricot
and a hot dish of cooked coconut oil, kidney beans, and pepper powder, and cilantro
and, a smoothie of coconut milk, greens powder and banana
currently: have not taken medications yet
feel like I can't breathe. constipated. Food is making gurgling noises.
update 5 min later- PAIN in neck
10 min later- fast shit, then pain receded
a few hours later- feeling of movement in my legs, not breathing well, gassy feeling in stomach
Was it: coconut oil, banana, chili powder?
A few hours later- burped a little, but didn't make the gas feeling go away
Ate some canned pineapple
Not long after- symptoms of problems.. headache, weird feeling in my body.
HMMM
Am I doing poorly with sugar? Wi
Friday, May 25, 2018
Late May 2018- restart diet and taking supplement
I am starting on a new diet plan of elimination of most allergens/sensitivities/inflammatory foods. I am avoiding: rice, wheat, corn, soy, canola, egg, sesame, nuts, and peanuts as well as all raw fruits and vegetables (because her study is on fruits and vegetables).
And, once a day, I will be taking the supplement that Helen Harrison is providing me, which is supposed to help with gut health by making proteins that help grow connective tissue.
The hope is that this will fix my leaky gut, enabling me to eat foods which are actually good for me, which will further make me feel happy and healthy.
Here are my current health issues: My neck, jaw, back, and legs really hurt ALOT, and the rest of me hurts everywhere. The jaw pain is making it hard for me to chew and eat. The next pain hurts a lot and makes me scared of driving, and also hurts in nearly all activities- conversation (keeping my head up, looking at the computer or TV, at a book, walking, etc. The leg pain just hurts and makes it so that I can't stretch or rub my thighs or hamstrings. I never do runner's stretch anymore because its too tight. My back pain is making everything impossible. Sitting, being upright, walking (the farthest I walk now is to the mailbox and back, which causes me back pain). I KNOW its NOT NORMAL, I can't explain it, its just too tight and any movement of stretching makes it hurt. I don't exercise whatsoever. I am unable to lay on my back- my back is stuck arched and it really hurts.
It also really hurts when I am standing still. Therefore, most of my time is spent between sitting and lying down. It's about the most pathetic thing I ever imagined for myself.
My chest is always pushed forward, my neck is forward and chin raised/back of head dropped, but I can't bring it back. My neck is kind of killing me.
That was just muscular. Digestive issues- barely eat, no energy from food, unable to digest nearly all food (meat, rice, bread, fruits and veggies, anything cold, Clif bars, beans - they all make me feel uncomfortable and 'just sit there'). But, I'm never satisfied with food and always want to eat more. I open and close the fridge and pantry all day long, and as soon as I come back home from something. I'll never find what I'm looking for. Its my stomach that is the problem, not the food.
I basically have little in the way of bowel movements (every few days). They come out alright looking currently, although pale, but god it just takes forever to get one. Then, after I poop, my stomach will feel sick unless I eat something. I've had issues throughout my life of diarrhea, floating poop, other problems, but currently I don't have those issues.
My lymph nodes seriously hurt.
I don't have periods- that is a long-term issue. My testosterone is high and my facial hair is getting thicker and worse.
I am verging on hypothyroidism.
I hurt everywhere, a lot.
My sleep is impacted due to pain. I do not wake feeling refreshed. I never feel tired at night. I have all sorts of neck and pillow problems. I sleep on my side always. I am unable to lay on my back.
This is exacerbated by how much time I spend online, but that it adding to the issue, not the issue itself.
I find it hard to feel good.
No sex drive.
My mind just feels blech. Tired, not clear. Not interested in focussing on something because the positioning hurts my body. And I just don't feel like it. Don't feel like reading, writing, singing, learning something new, growing plants, being outside (but that is hard given pain).... just don't feel like any of it. Too much pain.
And, once a day, I will be taking the supplement that Helen Harrison is providing me, which is supposed to help with gut health by making proteins that help grow connective tissue.
The hope is that this will fix my leaky gut, enabling me to eat foods which are actually good for me, which will further make me feel happy and healthy.
Here are my current health issues: My neck, jaw, back, and legs really hurt ALOT, and the rest of me hurts everywhere. The jaw pain is making it hard for me to chew and eat. The next pain hurts a lot and makes me scared of driving, and also hurts in nearly all activities- conversation (keeping my head up, looking at the computer or TV, at a book, walking, etc. The leg pain just hurts and makes it so that I can't stretch or rub my thighs or hamstrings. I never do runner's stretch anymore because its too tight. My back pain is making everything impossible. Sitting, being upright, walking (the farthest I walk now is to the mailbox and back, which causes me back pain). I KNOW its NOT NORMAL, I can't explain it, its just too tight and any movement of stretching makes it hurt. I don't exercise whatsoever. I am unable to lay on my back- my back is stuck arched and it really hurts.
It also really hurts when I am standing still. Therefore, most of my time is spent between sitting and lying down. It's about the most pathetic thing I ever imagined for myself.
My chest is always pushed forward, my neck is forward and chin raised/back of head dropped, but I can't bring it back. My neck is kind of killing me.
That was just muscular. Digestive issues- barely eat, no energy from food, unable to digest nearly all food (meat, rice, bread, fruits and veggies, anything cold, Clif bars, beans - they all make me feel uncomfortable and 'just sit there'). But, I'm never satisfied with food and always want to eat more. I open and close the fridge and pantry all day long, and as soon as I come back home from something. I'll never find what I'm looking for. Its my stomach that is the problem, not the food.
I basically have little in the way of bowel movements (every few days). They come out alright looking currently, although pale, but god it just takes forever to get one. Then, after I poop, my stomach will feel sick unless I eat something. I've had issues throughout my life of diarrhea, floating poop, other problems, but currently I don't have those issues.
My lymph nodes seriously hurt.
I don't have periods- that is a long-term issue. My testosterone is high and my facial hair is getting thicker and worse.
I am verging on hypothyroidism.
I hurt everywhere, a lot.
My sleep is impacted due to pain. I do not wake feeling refreshed. I never feel tired at night. I have all sorts of neck and pillow problems. I sleep on my side always. I am unable to lay on my back.
This is exacerbated by how much time I spend online, but that it adding to the issue, not the issue itself.
I find it hard to feel good.
No sex drive.
My mind just feels blech. Tired, not clear. Not interested in focussing on something because the positioning hurts my body. And I just don't feel like it. Don't feel like reading, writing, singing, learning something new, growing plants, being outside (but that is hard given pain).... just don't feel like any of it. Too much pain.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
New post for May
So- considering that I am planning on doing this diet with Helen Harrison-
I really should go on a gluten-free, casein-free diet. I don't even like milk much, it wouldn't hurt me to cut it out.
The only thing I could have at Starbucks would be the inside of the egg omelette. I guess I won't be going out much for the next six months...
Today is May 20th. I could do a cleanse of some sort from now until I get my first supplement.
Only drink tomato sauce, and cabbage. That sounds like a good breakfast to me! And, no food besides that except little amounts of cashews, or something like that.
Clearly, I am dying, my health is dying, my insides are dying, I am a wreck, I can't function.
Although, will dietary things change anything for me..??
Because really, it was Fluconazole that made all the difference. Although I suppose that I did get my period partway into being gluten-free. HRMMMM
But anyways- I was looking at my allergen results from Genova and Dr. Wikle's tests- They showed- corn, soy (crap!), wheat, peanuts, nuts (pecan, walnut, almond), and a small response to milk.
Which means that ideally I shouldn't be eating any of those things and provoking an allergen response. ...
So, is today the day? Just like yesterday was, until I ate all that wheat desserts? lol
Also, I read about MSG and other "free glutamates" being a huge problem, and they are in protein bars as hydrolyzed protein (ah, my favorite food)...
I really should go on a gluten-free, casein-free diet. I don't even like milk much, it wouldn't hurt me to cut it out.
The only thing I could have at Starbucks would be the inside of the egg omelette. I guess I won't be going out much for the next six months...
Today is May 20th. I could do a cleanse of some sort from now until I get my first supplement.
Only drink tomato sauce, and cabbage. That sounds like a good breakfast to me! And, no food besides that except little amounts of cashews, or something like that.
Clearly, I am dying, my health is dying, my insides are dying, I am a wreck, I can't function.
Although, will dietary things change anything for me..??
Because really, it was Fluconazole that made all the difference. Although I suppose that I did get my period partway into being gluten-free. HRMMMM
But anyways- I was looking at my allergen results from Genova and Dr. Wikle's tests- They showed- corn, soy (crap!), wheat, peanuts, nuts (pecan, walnut, almond), and a small response to milk.
Which means that ideally I shouldn't be eating any of those things and provoking an allergen response. ...
So, is today the day? Just like yesterday was, until I ate all that wheat desserts? lol
Also, I read about MSG and other "free glutamates" being a huge problem, and they are in protein bars as hydrolyzed protein (ah, my favorite food)...
Thursday, May 17, 2018
May 2018
went to Shakti festival, now I'm back, man I just wish I had a journal with empty pages so I'm writing on here.
The main thing is that I was given some hope of a possible diagnosis- a mutation that affects the processing of epithelial cells, mainly, or possibly an electrolyte disorder.
This was from a woman named Helen Harrison, friend of Fred's, who I met with and she said that she had been living with chronic health problems for decades until she figured it out for herself that she had a connective tissue disorder (which genetic testing revealed).
Then, she experienced a fast, easy?, complete cure after taking a supplement and avoiding phenolic foods (aka fruits and vegetables).
So basically, now here I am, with my own pain issues, and thinking that 'that could be me too'- I could have this disorder, (finally! This IS IT!), and I could be cured just like she was, I could have a pain-free life. ...
So, of course, as is typical for me, I am getting completely ahead of myself, hopeful, only to have my hopes come crashing down amidst all my pain at a later date (precisely two-four months later, since she is giving me the supplement for four months).
Then when I'm back to my typical pain, it will be 'worse'- because now it will really go on forever. Nothing to stop me from thinking that it could get better. So, I will be fixed to a hopeless, helpless life - in - pain.
See? See how getting my hopes up really causes problems?! I mean obviously I can go on- I've been doing it all these years anyways. (That's the rational side of me that I don't like. The real side of me wants to throw up my head, cry at this terrible fate of chronic unbeatable pain, hate my life, and tell people how terrible it is, and have an emotional release- of pure devastation).
So, its sad. See- I might learn that I have a mutation, and that there's nothing I can do about it. For example- Helen's pills might not work, or not work very well, or work for a week and then stop working, or I might get into a car accident- or whatever. We don't really know. The only thing I know is that I don't expect a hundred percent cure (okay- I do expect it, and that is what is driving me crazy). Plus the anticipation- She didn't say when I will start to receive the supplements.
The main thing is that I was given some hope of a possible diagnosis- a mutation that affects the processing of epithelial cells, mainly, or possibly an electrolyte disorder.
This was from a woman named Helen Harrison, friend of Fred's, who I met with and she said that she had been living with chronic health problems for decades until she figured it out for herself that she had a connective tissue disorder (which genetic testing revealed).
Then, she experienced a fast, easy?, complete cure after taking a supplement and avoiding phenolic foods (aka fruits and vegetables).
So basically, now here I am, with my own pain issues, and thinking that 'that could be me too'- I could have this disorder, (finally! This IS IT!), and I could be cured just like she was, I could have a pain-free life. ...
So, of course, as is typical for me, I am getting completely ahead of myself, hopeful, only to have my hopes come crashing down amidst all my pain at a later date (precisely two-four months later, since she is giving me the supplement for four months).
Then when I'm back to my typical pain, it will be 'worse'- because now it will really go on forever. Nothing to stop me from thinking that it could get better. So, I will be fixed to a hopeless, helpless life - in - pain.
See? See how getting my hopes up really causes problems?! I mean obviously I can go on- I've been doing it all these years anyways. (That's the rational side of me that I don't like. The real side of me wants to throw up my head, cry at this terrible fate of chronic unbeatable pain, hate my life, and tell people how terrible it is, and have an emotional release- of pure devastation).
So, its sad. See- I might learn that I have a mutation, and that there's nothing I can do about it. For example- Helen's pills might not work, or not work very well, or work for a week and then stop working, or I might get into a car accident- or whatever. We don't really know. The only thing I know is that I don't expect a hundred percent cure (okay- I do expect it, and that is what is driving me crazy). Plus the anticipation- She didn't say when I will start to receive the supplements.
Monday, April 30, 2018
April 2018
Gosh, its been a few months and I forgot about this blog and while I do have a lot of updates, mainly due to Feldenkrais class, I'm not sure how much I'm in the mood to go into it all. I was looking at my previous posts and they are pretty interesting for me to look back and read- how dead-end sure I am about some things, things that have changed and stayed the same.
The updates are- I've pretty much gotten my forehead to relax compared to how it used to be, and my forehead looks smoother and more pretty and normal than it used to, as a result. It is a mix of Cymbalta making me a little more relaxed, and the pretty interesting things I've been doing, Feldenkrais style. Such as- holding my forehead, and then feeling into my eyes and realizing that my eyes are not in my eye sockets- they are tight and fixed about half an inch above it. Then the muscle clicks and it relaxes.
Pretty crazy, I never used to be able to feel and do things with my body like that before I did Feldenkrais. And sometimes I move my eyes back and forth to put my facial muscles into place instead of being tight. It reminds me of what I've read of EMDR, and I do think that people would be pretty interested to hear about it, although I am not sure they'd get what I mean or not.
Although it works, it doesn't really doesn't fix whatever problem is going on that's making me tight in the first place. So I am working on that and seeing lots of doctors, but little to not progress.
I do lots of holding or putting my awareness somewhere in my body, and then it clicks. I don't know why it works. Although, I often notice that my awareness keeps pulling at my upper forehead- where my mind is. Which physically pulls my neck up and out, and mentally is just like being on a slow, plodding hamster wheel that I can't get off of except for a few seconds. So when I say my mood is good and my forehead is clearer- it is, but this is still an issue.
I don't really have any friends. Blech. I do kind of hate my life, although when I think of a busier social life I don't feel very interested in that.
Surprisingly my thyroid tested bad for the first time in my life. I'll get a retest to see if that was just a bad test or if there really is an issue. If there is- blech, even more health problems to control.
For the last - 6 months, year? I've practically stopped eating. I don't like to discuss it because I'm worried that people will think strangely or badly of me. But, I basically get by on maybe 400 calories a day. Oddly, I'm not really that skinny. And I'm definitely not hungry.
Sadly, I didn't get my period again this year, even though I tried the Takesumi detox stuff once again.
So, I'm going on birth control, and that is supposed to affect me systemically too, so that is even more symptoms to watch out for.
Man, I'm going to be pretty unhappy when I no longer have health care (in a year and a half, when my mom retires). I love my doctors, they are a highlight of my life because they listen to me and I'm open with them and they are trying to help me. But as I will have to learn, all good things must come to an end. I will have to learn to get by even with things not as I wish them to be. I probably won't learn that lesson and will just hate my life, knowing me though.
I don't even feel thankful that I have healthcare. I just feel like I need it and I feel kind of crappy about myself (there goes the pain talking). I have incredible doctors (as in very skilled, smart, and compassionate as well). Every single one of them. And my copays and blood tests or other lab tests are incredibly cheap. I haven't even gotten billed for them, and I've gotten blood tests and stool tests and urine tests multiple times this year.
That reminds me- I got a C. diff infection after my antibiotics (after the ER gave me a broad-spectrum one, in thinking wrongly that I had a UTI). Ugghh. It hurt. It would be a terrible way to die. Since I'm kind of a hypochondriac, I thought it might kill me, and that was very scary, the stuff I was reading online. But, I took Vancomycin- an antibiotic, which worked, and now I hardly think about it. It is good/lucky that I took it quickly due to my excellent healthcare, and survived without any long term complications.
I kind of wish my parents would just say here Marissa, we've got tons of money, just take it and don't worry about it. We love you and we can share.
But, A) They wouldn't say that unless they change B) I wouldn't even say that to someone, I'm really stingy and not generous, and I am the one that should be sympathetic! It would take alot of changing on my part too, to be free financially with someone without reciprocation
My insomnia has been pretty crazy. I have no recollection of what it is like to feel tired. Although I know it was like this throughout all of high school and college- I never felt 'tired', so it hasn't changed much. But, what has changed is that now I just stay up all night, instead of at some point falling asleep even without tiredness. Now that doesn't even happen.
Unfortunately, Cymbalta gives me some really intense dreaming and therefore I am stuck at my small dose, because the dreams will make me all tight at night and in alot of pain in the morning. Lame.
I really tried to stick it out with Cymbalta and be on an antidepressant for more than 2 weeks. I've made it an entire two months. I should be congratulated for that. I had an incredibly terrible time when I started- dizziness and staying up all night. I never would have stuck with it except that I was in a personal competition to stay on antidepressants long enough so that Sari couldn't tell me I keep quitting them too early. Lol. And, as it turns out, those bad symptoms from the first weeks did go away (huh! All along I thought stuff like that wouldn't go away when I was on past antidepressants). Now I have no obvious symptoms, just I feel somewhat less overthinking and better quality sleep (yay!), but nightmares and intense dreams(not yay).
I didn't bother with this for years- but I finally took Restoril due to Sari's encouragement, and well- it did make me sleep. Who's to say that I shouldn't take it every night..? If I become addicted to it, is that any worse than not being able to sleep naturally?
Its kind of silly.
Other changes- So- while I can barely move, and my back hurts all the time, so I do not walk more than a few steps and do not do my laundry (UGH), my body does feel better than it did a year ago.
I am extremely aware now of what is wrong with my posture. My entire back is bent too much forward, my legs and hips and fixed in place, my stomach is tight, and my neck can't move and on top of that, is stuck in forward-head syndrome.
Now, I would have thought that 'understanding' that would lead to my being able to 'fix' it. But as it turns out, I just can't move. So whatever movements I do to release my muscles, they just end up tightening up again. I say this after having spent countless hours, whole days, and actually months now, on body awareness. And the hard fact to face is that its not working. There is something else going on that is making me so tight and unable to move. Maybe this would be obvious to an outsider- I am only 28 and previously athletic, and now I can't walk, but anyways, to me its not obvious. While I think it is largely due to the (supposed) Candida infection, given my huge response to Fluconazole, I can't say for sure that that's really what it is.
Oh god, Fluconazole- how I miss waking up without joint pain, being able to self massage- click click, my muscles would release in my hamstrings, my face not all tight. And the food- the fact that I could eat fruit! That was pretty cool.
I have much less of a response to Fluconzaole anymore (and sometimes no response). I think that the Candida may have become Fluconazole-resistant, and that is why I can't feel it anymore. Well- its just a guess. Like everything I come up with, it makes sense to me but I'm not a doctor and am often wrong. But it sounds so plausible! lol
So anyways, I think of asking my doctor for a different anti-fungal, but then I'm so incredible distracted by so many other health issues and things to look into, I haven't gotten around to asking that specifically.
I am in general doing 'poor-to-okay', meaning that I'm not going into any severe depressions, but I just simply am hanging out at home and not applying my mind, all day every day.
I don't have a job. I don't want a job because my body hurts to much to sit or focus for extended periods. But, sometimes at Landmark I'm talking and stuff and my body feels so much better, so I don't know! I mean, I could expect that from a job- the getting out of my head which makes my body feel better-, but I simply can't deal with the other issues that it takes- putting on clothes, walking from the parking lot, being hot/cold/sick in my stomach. Ugh. I'm not being dealt a ton of crap for not working, and I would say it bothers me less than it used to, but it still bothers me.
One insight which has been really interesting for me is the simple fact that man- my health / flexibility has really gotten WORSE in the past few years. I have this mindset that it will always, always get better, always get back to health, that I'm young and I 'should' be strong. And then when it comes down to it, I didn't have a back problem like this when I was in college - I was still running, and I was dancing salsa a few years ago, and now I can barely walk. And- I truly have no idea why. But as far as accepting this, its been pretty odd for me to realize that people can get worse, that situations and health can change for the worse, just because, not for any good reason. I can't even imagine how it feels to be old and know that your health is just in permanent decline, no 'cure' to even look forward to. Because its scary being messed up and not having a cure. I am messed up and while I don't have a definite avenue for a cure, I spend every freaking day looking into things that might change the course of my health to normalcy.
And I am lucky in that now I can say (or at least think)- "Its the fungal infection, its not ME".
Whereas it used to be just everything was my fault, to my mind. Although, I'm still shy about mentioning it, lol. Plus there's a lot else wrong. Such as, maybe my PCOS is just getting beyond the edge of control, who knows? (Apparently its an inflammatory disorder).
The updates are- I've pretty much gotten my forehead to relax compared to how it used to be, and my forehead looks smoother and more pretty and normal than it used to, as a result. It is a mix of Cymbalta making me a little more relaxed, and the pretty interesting things I've been doing, Feldenkrais style. Such as- holding my forehead, and then feeling into my eyes and realizing that my eyes are not in my eye sockets- they are tight and fixed about half an inch above it. Then the muscle clicks and it relaxes.
Pretty crazy, I never used to be able to feel and do things with my body like that before I did Feldenkrais. And sometimes I move my eyes back and forth to put my facial muscles into place instead of being tight. It reminds me of what I've read of EMDR, and I do think that people would be pretty interested to hear about it, although I am not sure they'd get what I mean or not.
Although it works, it doesn't really doesn't fix whatever problem is going on that's making me tight in the first place. So I am working on that and seeing lots of doctors, but little to not progress.
I don't really have any friends. Blech. I do kind of hate my life, although when I think of a busier social life I don't feel very interested in that.
Surprisingly my thyroid tested bad for the first time in my life. I'll get a retest to see if that was just a bad test or if there really is an issue. If there is- blech, even more health problems to control.
For the last - 6 months, year? I've practically stopped eating. I don't like to discuss it because I'm worried that people will think strangely or badly of me. But, I basically get by on maybe 400 calories a day. Oddly, I'm not really that skinny. And I'm definitely not hungry.
Sadly, I didn't get my period again this year, even though I tried the Takesumi detox stuff once again.
So, I'm going on birth control, and that is supposed to affect me systemically too, so that is even more symptoms to watch out for.
Man, I'm going to be pretty unhappy when I no longer have health care (in a year and a half, when my mom retires). I love my doctors, they are a highlight of my life because they listen to me and I'm open with them and they are trying to help me. But as I will have to learn, all good things must come to an end. I will have to learn to get by even with things not as I wish them to be. I probably won't learn that lesson and will just hate my life, knowing me though.
I don't even feel thankful that I have healthcare. I just feel like I need it and I feel kind of crappy about myself (there goes the pain talking). I have incredible doctors (as in very skilled, smart, and compassionate as well). Every single one of them. And my copays and blood tests or other lab tests are incredibly cheap. I haven't even gotten billed for them, and I've gotten blood tests and stool tests and urine tests multiple times this year.
That reminds me- I got a C. diff infection after my antibiotics (after the ER gave me a broad-spectrum one, in thinking wrongly that I had a UTI). Ugghh. It hurt. It would be a terrible way to die. Since I'm kind of a hypochondriac, I thought it might kill me, and that was very scary, the stuff I was reading online. But, I took Vancomycin- an antibiotic, which worked, and now I hardly think about it. It is good/lucky that I took it quickly due to my excellent healthcare, and survived without any long term complications.
I kind of wish my parents would just say here Marissa, we've got tons of money, just take it and don't worry about it. We love you and we can share.
But, A) They wouldn't say that unless they change B) I wouldn't even say that to someone, I'm really stingy and not generous, and I am the one that should be sympathetic! It would take alot of changing on my part too, to be free financially with someone without reciprocation
My insomnia has been pretty crazy. I have no recollection of what it is like to feel tired. Although I know it was like this throughout all of high school and college- I never felt 'tired', so it hasn't changed much. But, what has changed is that now I just stay up all night, instead of at some point falling asleep even without tiredness. Now that doesn't even happen.
Unfortunately, Cymbalta gives me some really intense dreaming and therefore I am stuck at my small dose, because the dreams will make me all tight at night and in alot of pain in the morning. Lame.
I really tried to stick it out with Cymbalta and be on an antidepressant for more than 2 weeks. I've made it an entire two months. I should be congratulated for that. I had an incredibly terrible time when I started- dizziness and staying up all night. I never would have stuck with it except that I was in a personal competition to stay on antidepressants long enough so that Sari couldn't tell me I keep quitting them too early. Lol. And, as it turns out, those bad symptoms from the first weeks did go away (huh! All along I thought stuff like that wouldn't go away when I was on past antidepressants). Now I have no obvious symptoms, just I feel somewhat less overthinking and better quality sleep (yay!), but nightmares and intense dreams(not yay).
I didn't bother with this for years- but I finally took Restoril due to Sari's encouragement, and well- it did make me sleep. Who's to say that I shouldn't take it every night..? If I become addicted to it, is that any worse than not being able to sleep naturally?
Its kind of silly.
Other changes- So- while I can barely move, and my back hurts all the time, so I do not walk more than a few steps and do not do my laundry (UGH), my body does feel better than it did a year ago.
I am extremely aware now of what is wrong with my posture. My entire back is bent too much forward, my legs and hips and fixed in place, my stomach is tight, and my neck can't move and on top of that, is stuck in forward-head syndrome.
Now, I would have thought that 'understanding' that would lead to my being able to 'fix' it. But as it turns out, I just can't move. So whatever movements I do to release my muscles, they just end up tightening up again. I say this after having spent countless hours, whole days, and actually months now, on body awareness. And the hard fact to face is that its not working. There is something else going on that is making me so tight and unable to move. Maybe this would be obvious to an outsider- I am only 28 and previously athletic, and now I can't walk, but anyways, to me its not obvious. While I think it is largely due to the (supposed) Candida infection, given my huge response to Fluconazole, I can't say for sure that that's really what it is.
Oh god, Fluconazole- how I miss waking up without joint pain, being able to self massage- click click, my muscles would release in my hamstrings, my face not all tight. And the food- the fact that I could eat fruit! That was pretty cool.
I have much less of a response to Fluconzaole anymore (and sometimes no response). I think that the Candida may have become Fluconazole-resistant, and that is why I can't feel it anymore. Well- its just a guess. Like everything I come up with, it makes sense to me but I'm not a doctor and am often wrong. But it sounds so plausible! lol
So anyways, I think of asking my doctor for a different anti-fungal, but then I'm so incredible distracted by so many other health issues and things to look into, I haven't gotten around to asking that specifically.
I am in general doing 'poor-to-okay', meaning that I'm not going into any severe depressions, but I just simply am hanging out at home and not applying my mind, all day every day.
I don't have a job. I don't want a job because my body hurts to much to sit or focus for extended periods. But, sometimes at Landmark I'm talking and stuff and my body feels so much better, so I don't know! I mean, I could expect that from a job- the getting out of my head which makes my body feel better-, but I simply can't deal with the other issues that it takes- putting on clothes, walking from the parking lot, being hot/cold/sick in my stomach. Ugh. I'm not being dealt a ton of crap for not working, and I would say it bothers me less than it used to, but it still bothers me.
One insight which has been really interesting for me is the simple fact that man- my health / flexibility has really gotten WORSE in the past few years. I have this mindset that it will always, always get better, always get back to health, that I'm young and I 'should' be strong. And then when it comes down to it, I didn't have a back problem like this when I was in college - I was still running, and I was dancing salsa a few years ago, and now I can barely walk. And- I truly have no idea why. But as far as accepting this, its been pretty odd for me to realize that people can get worse, that situations and health can change for the worse, just because, not for any good reason. I can't even imagine how it feels to be old and know that your health is just in permanent decline, no 'cure' to even look forward to. Because its scary being messed up and not having a cure. I am messed up and while I don't have a definite avenue for a cure, I spend every freaking day looking into things that might change the course of my health to normalcy.
And I am lucky in that now I can say (or at least think)- "Its the fungal infection, its not ME".
Whereas it used to be just everything was my fault, to my mind. Although, I'm still shy about mentioning it, lol. Plus there's a lot else wrong. Such as, maybe my PCOS is just getting beyond the edge of control, who knows? (Apparently its an inflammatory disorder).
Thursday, January 25, 2018
first time taking an antibiotic
It's been crazy. I took it for four days and had all sorts of shit happen that I didn't attribute to the meds (my bad; well, my doctor's bad for not telling me that antibiotics can have all sorts of side effects.)
I got alot of muscle relief, similar to the antifungal, but even more so.
But, I got a seriously terrible amount of headache, gas, and discomfort.
So, it was a die-off reaction? What the hell do I even have?
I'm actually pretty scared that I've secreted a bunch of toxins into my system now, and could have long-term effects of that. Who knows? And what happened to being a nature lover who wanted to be all natural blah blah, and now I'm just going full- scale western med on whatever I have. sad.
I was taking it for my vaginal infection, but its giving me all these systemic effects.
I wish I knew more about medicine. This sucks.
It also sucks that I keep being so totally wrong about my healthcare. For example. being sure that my back pain was psychosomatic "because 80% of pain is human created" (Sadhguru), and "80% of back pain is psychosomatic" (that book about psyhcosomatic pain.
And just now- being so sure I had the stomach flu, (and telling people that!), when in fact I was having a response to flagyl. God, I just have no flipping idea when it comes down to it. My doctor knows more than I do. Although, he never seemed to think that I had a rogue infection causing my problems..
update- I learned later over the week that the reason I was having such as insane reaction wasn't ONLY the fact that I was taking the antibiotic. It had something to do with taking the antibiotic along with the antidepressant. When I stopped taking the antidepressant a few days later, my head returned to normal and my headaches went away. Sadly, my incredible releasing muscles went away too, it was related. My doctor said 'too much serotonin'. hmph.
While this whole incident was pretty strange (who knew that antibiotics could have an effect on antidepressants), I was actually on only half of the lowest dose of the antidepressant Trintellix. Can you imagine, I would have been out of my mind had I been taking to full dose..
I got alot of muscle relief, similar to the antifungal, but even more so.
But, I got a seriously terrible amount of headache, gas, and discomfort.
So, it was a die-off reaction? What the hell do I even have?
I'm actually pretty scared that I've secreted a bunch of toxins into my system now, and could have long-term effects of that. Who knows? And what happened to being a nature lover who wanted to be all natural blah blah, and now I'm just going full- scale western med on whatever I have. sad.
I was taking it for my vaginal infection, but its giving me all these systemic effects.
I wish I knew more about medicine. This sucks.
It also sucks that I keep being so totally wrong about my healthcare. For example. being sure that my back pain was psychosomatic "because 80% of pain is human created" (Sadhguru), and "80% of back pain is psychosomatic" (that book about psyhcosomatic pain.
And just now- being so sure I had the stomach flu, (and telling people that!), when in fact I was having a response to flagyl. God, I just have no flipping idea when it comes down to it. My doctor knows more than I do. Although, he never seemed to think that I had a rogue infection causing my problems..
update- I learned later over the week that the reason I was having such as insane reaction wasn't ONLY the fact that I was taking the antibiotic. It had something to do with taking the antibiotic along with the antidepressant. When I stopped taking the antidepressant a few days later, my head returned to normal and my headaches went away. Sadly, my incredible releasing muscles went away too, it was related. My doctor said 'too much serotonin'. hmph.
While this whole incident was pretty strange (who knew that antibiotics could have an effect on antidepressants), I was actually on only half of the lowest dose of the antidepressant Trintellix. Can you imagine, I would have been out of my mind had I been taking to full dose..
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