So- considering that I am planning on doing this diet with Helen Harrison-
I really should go on a gluten-free, casein-free diet. I don't even like milk much, it wouldn't hurt me to cut it out.
The only thing I could have at Starbucks would be the inside of the egg omelette. I guess I won't be going out much for the next six months...
Today is May 20th. I could do a cleanse of some sort from now until I get my first supplement.
Only drink tomato sauce, and cabbage. That sounds like a good breakfast to me! And, no food besides that except little amounts of cashews, or something like that.
Clearly, I am dying, my health is dying, my insides are dying, I am a wreck, I can't function.
Although, will dietary things change anything for me..??
Because really, it was Fluconazole that made all the difference. Although I suppose that I did get my period partway into being gluten-free. HRMMMM
But anyways- I was looking at my allergen results from Genova and Dr. Wikle's tests- They showed- corn, soy (crap!), wheat, peanuts, nuts (pecan, walnut, almond), and a small response to milk.
Which means that ideally I shouldn't be eating any of those things and provoking an allergen response. ...
So, is today the day? Just like yesterday was, until I ate all that wheat desserts? lol
Also, I read about MSG and other "free glutamates" being a huge problem, and they are in protein bars as hydrolyzed protein (ah, my favorite food)...
Sunday, May 20, 2018
Thursday, May 17, 2018
May 2018
went to Shakti festival, now I'm back, man I just wish I had a journal with empty pages so I'm writing on here.
The main thing is that I was given some hope of a possible diagnosis- a mutation that affects the processing of epithelial cells, mainly, or possibly an electrolyte disorder.
This was from a woman named Helen Harrison, friend of Fred's, who I met with and she said that she had been living with chronic health problems for decades until she figured it out for herself that she had a connective tissue disorder (which genetic testing revealed).
Then, she experienced a fast, easy?, complete cure after taking a supplement and avoiding phenolic foods (aka fruits and vegetables).
So basically, now here I am, with my own pain issues, and thinking that 'that could be me too'- I could have this disorder, (finally! This IS IT!), and I could be cured just like she was, I could have a pain-free life. ...
So, of course, as is typical for me, I am getting completely ahead of myself, hopeful, only to have my hopes come crashing down amidst all my pain at a later date (precisely two-four months later, since she is giving me the supplement for four months).
Then when I'm back to my typical pain, it will be 'worse'- because now it will really go on forever. Nothing to stop me from thinking that it could get better. So, I will be fixed to a hopeless, helpless life - in - pain.
See? See how getting my hopes up really causes problems?! I mean obviously I can go on- I've been doing it all these years anyways. (That's the rational side of me that I don't like. The real side of me wants to throw up my head, cry at this terrible fate of chronic unbeatable pain, hate my life, and tell people how terrible it is, and have an emotional release- of pure devastation).
So, its sad. See- I might learn that I have a mutation, and that there's nothing I can do about it. For example- Helen's pills might not work, or not work very well, or work for a week and then stop working, or I might get into a car accident- or whatever. We don't really know. The only thing I know is that I don't expect a hundred percent cure (okay- I do expect it, and that is what is driving me crazy). Plus the anticipation- She didn't say when I will start to receive the supplements.
The main thing is that I was given some hope of a possible diagnosis- a mutation that affects the processing of epithelial cells, mainly, or possibly an electrolyte disorder.
This was from a woman named Helen Harrison, friend of Fred's, who I met with and she said that she had been living with chronic health problems for decades until she figured it out for herself that she had a connective tissue disorder (which genetic testing revealed).
Then, she experienced a fast, easy?, complete cure after taking a supplement and avoiding phenolic foods (aka fruits and vegetables).
So basically, now here I am, with my own pain issues, and thinking that 'that could be me too'- I could have this disorder, (finally! This IS IT!), and I could be cured just like she was, I could have a pain-free life. ...
So, of course, as is typical for me, I am getting completely ahead of myself, hopeful, only to have my hopes come crashing down amidst all my pain at a later date (precisely two-four months later, since she is giving me the supplement for four months).
Then when I'm back to my typical pain, it will be 'worse'- because now it will really go on forever. Nothing to stop me from thinking that it could get better. So, I will be fixed to a hopeless, helpless life - in - pain.
See? See how getting my hopes up really causes problems?! I mean obviously I can go on- I've been doing it all these years anyways. (That's the rational side of me that I don't like. The real side of me wants to throw up my head, cry at this terrible fate of chronic unbeatable pain, hate my life, and tell people how terrible it is, and have an emotional release- of pure devastation).
So, its sad. See- I might learn that I have a mutation, and that there's nothing I can do about it. For example- Helen's pills might not work, or not work very well, or work for a week and then stop working, or I might get into a car accident- or whatever. We don't really know. The only thing I know is that I don't expect a hundred percent cure (okay- I do expect it, and that is what is driving me crazy). Plus the anticipation- She didn't say when I will start to receive the supplements.
Monday, April 30, 2018
April 2018
Gosh, its been a few months and I forgot about this blog and while I do have a lot of updates, mainly due to Feldenkrais class, I'm not sure how much I'm in the mood to go into it all. I was looking at my previous posts and they are pretty interesting for me to look back and read- how dead-end sure I am about some things, things that have changed and stayed the same.
The updates are- I've pretty much gotten my forehead to relax compared to how it used to be, and my forehead looks smoother and more pretty and normal than it used to, as a result. It is a mix of Cymbalta making me a little more relaxed, and the pretty interesting things I've been doing, Feldenkrais style. Such as- holding my forehead, and then feeling into my eyes and realizing that my eyes are not in my eye sockets- they are tight and fixed about half an inch above it. Then the muscle clicks and it relaxes.
Pretty crazy, I never used to be able to feel and do things with my body like that before I did Feldenkrais. And sometimes I move my eyes back and forth to put my facial muscles into place instead of being tight. It reminds me of what I've read of EMDR, and I do think that people would be pretty interested to hear about it, although I am not sure they'd get what I mean or not.
Although it works, it doesn't really doesn't fix whatever problem is going on that's making me tight in the first place. So I am working on that and seeing lots of doctors, but little to not progress.
I do lots of holding or putting my awareness somewhere in my body, and then it clicks. I don't know why it works. Although, I often notice that my awareness keeps pulling at my upper forehead- where my mind is. Which physically pulls my neck up and out, and mentally is just like being on a slow, plodding hamster wheel that I can't get off of except for a few seconds. So when I say my mood is good and my forehead is clearer- it is, but this is still an issue.
I don't really have any friends. Blech. I do kind of hate my life, although when I think of a busier social life I don't feel very interested in that.
Surprisingly my thyroid tested bad for the first time in my life. I'll get a retest to see if that was just a bad test or if there really is an issue. If there is- blech, even more health problems to control.
For the last - 6 months, year? I've practically stopped eating. I don't like to discuss it because I'm worried that people will think strangely or badly of me. But, I basically get by on maybe 400 calories a day. Oddly, I'm not really that skinny. And I'm definitely not hungry.
Sadly, I didn't get my period again this year, even though I tried the Takesumi detox stuff once again.
So, I'm going on birth control, and that is supposed to affect me systemically too, so that is even more symptoms to watch out for.
Man, I'm going to be pretty unhappy when I no longer have health care (in a year and a half, when my mom retires). I love my doctors, they are a highlight of my life because they listen to me and I'm open with them and they are trying to help me. But as I will have to learn, all good things must come to an end. I will have to learn to get by even with things not as I wish them to be. I probably won't learn that lesson and will just hate my life, knowing me though.
I don't even feel thankful that I have healthcare. I just feel like I need it and I feel kind of crappy about myself (there goes the pain talking). I have incredible doctors (as in very skilled, smart, and compassionate as well). Every single one of them. And my copays and blood tests or other lab tests are incredibly cheap. I haven't even gotten billed for them, and I've gotten blood tests and stool tests and urine tests multiple times this year.
That reminds me- I got a C. diff infection after my antibiotics (after the ER gave me a broad-spectrum one, in thinking wrongly that I had a UTI). Ugghh. It hurt. It would be a terrible way to die. Since I'm kind of a hypochondriac, I thought it might kill me, and that was very scary, the stuff I was reading online. But, I took Vancomycin- an antibiotic, which worked, and now I hardly think about it. It is good/lucky that I took it quickly due to my excellent healthcare, and survived without any long term complications.
I kind of wish my parents would just say here Marissa, we've got tons of money, just take it and don't worry about it. We love you and we can share.
But, A) They wouldn't say that unless they change B) I wouldn't even say that to someone, I'm really stingy and not generous, and I am the one that should be sympathetic! It would take alot of changing on my part too, to be free financially with someone without reciprocation
My insomnia has been pretty crazy. I have no recollection of what it is like to feel tired. Although I know it was like this throughout all of high school and college- I never felt 'tired', so it hasn't changed much. But, what has changed is that now I just stay up all night, instead of at some point falling asleep even without tiredness. Now that doesn't even happen.
Unfortunately, Cymbalta gives me some really intense dreaming and therefore I am stuck at my small dose, because the dreams will make me all tight at night and in alot of pain in the morning. Lame.
I really tried to stick it out with Cymbalta and be on an antidepressant for more than 2 weeks. I've made it an entire two months. I should be congratulated for that. I had an incredibly terrible time when I started- dizziness and staying up all night. I never would have stuck with it except that I was in a personal competition to stay on antidepressants long enough so that Sari couldn't tell me I keep quitting them too early. Lol. And, as it turns out, those bad symptoms from the first weeks did go away (huh! All along I thought stuff like that wouldn't go away when I was on past antidepressants). Now I have no obvious symptoms, just I feel somewhat less overthinking and better quality sleep (yay!), but nightmares and intense dreams(not yay).
I didn't bother with this for years- but I finally took Restoril due to Sari's encouragement, and well- it did make me sleep. Who's to say that I shouldn't take it every night..? If I become addicted to it, is that any worse than not being able to sleep naturally?
Its kind of silly.
Other changes- So- while I can barely move, and my back hurts all the time, so I do not walk more than a few steps and do not do my laundry (UGH), my body does feel better than it did a year ago.
I am extremely aware now of what is wrong with my posture. My entire back is bent too much forward, my legs and hips and fixed in place, my stomach is tight, and my neck can't move and on top of that, is stuck in forward-head syndrome.
Now, I would have thought that 'understanding' that would lead to my being able to 'fix' it. But as it turns out, I just can't move. So whatever movements I do to release my muscles, they just end up tightening up again. I say this after having spent countless hours, whole days, and actually months now, on body awareness. And the hard fact to face is that its not working. There is something else going on that is making me so tight and unable to move. Maybe this would be obvious to an outsider- I am only 28 and previously athletic, and now I can't walk, but anyways, to me its not obvious. While I think it is largely due to the (supposed) Candida infection, given my huge response to Fluconazole, I can't say for sure that that's really what it is.
Oh god, Fluconazole- how I miss waking up without joint pain, being able to self massage- click click, my muscles would release in my hamstrings, my face not all tight. And the food- the fact that I could eat fruit! That was pretty cool.
I have much less of a response to Fluconzaole anymore (and sometimes no response). I think that the Candida may have become Fluconazole-resistant, and that is why I can't feel it anymore. Well- its just a guess. Like everything I come up with, it makes sense to me but I'm not a doctor and am often wrong. But it sounds so plausible! lol
So anyways, I think of asking my doctor for a different anti-fungal, but then I'm so incredible distracted by so many other health issues and things to look into, I haven't gotten around to asking that specifically.
I am in general doing 'poor-to-okay', meaning that I'm not going into any severe depressions, but I just simply am hanging out at home and not applying my mind, all day every day.
I don't have a job. I don't want a job because my body hurts to much to sit or focus for extended periods. But, sometimes at Landmark I'm talking and stuff and my body feels so much better, so I don't know! I mean, I could expect that from a job- the getting out of my head which makes my body feel better-, but I simply can't deal with the other issues that it takes- putting on clothes, walking from the parking lot, being hot/cold/sick in my stomach. Ugh. I'm not being dealt a ton of crap for not working, and I would say it bothers me less than it used to, but it still bothers me.
One insight which has been really interesting for me is the simple fact that man- my health / flexibility has really gotten WORSE in the past few years. I have this mindset that it will always, always get better, always get back to health, that I'm young and I 'should' be strong. And then when it comes down to it, I didn't have a back problem like this when I was in college - I was still running, and I was dancing salsa a few years ago, and now I can barely walk. And- I truly have no idea why. But as far as accepting this, its been pretty odd for me to realize that people can get worse, that situations and health can change for the worse, just because, not for any good reason. I can't even imagine how it feels to be old and know that your health is just in permanent decline, no 'cure' to even look forward to. Because its scary being messed up and not having a cure. I am messed up and while I don't have a definite avenue for a cure, I spend every freaking day looking into things that might change the course of my health to normalcy.
And I am lucky in that now I can say (or at least think)- "Its the fungal infection, its not ME".
Whereas it used to be just everything was my fault, to my mind. Although, I'm still shy about mentioning it, lol. Plus there's a lot else wrong. Such as, maybe my PCOS is just getting beyond the edge of control, who knows? (Apparently its an inflammatory disorder).
The updates are- I've pretty much gotten my forehead to relax compared to how it used to be, and my forehead looks smoother and more pretty and normal than it used to, as a result. It is a mix of Cymbalta making me a little more relaxed, and the pretty interesting things I've been doing, Feldenkrais style. Such as- holding my forehead, and then feeling into my eyes and realizing that my eyes are not in my eye sockets- they are tight and fixed about half an inch above it. Then the muscle clicks and it relaxes.
Pretty crazy, I never used to be able to feel and do things with my body like that before I did Feldenkrais. And sometimes I move my eyes back and forth to put my facial muscles into place instead of being tight. It reminds me of what I've read of EMDR, and I do think that people would be pretty interested to hear about it, although I am not sure they'd get what I mean or not.
Although it works, it doesn't really doesn't fix whatever problem is going on that's making me tight in the first place. So I am working on that and seeing lots of doctors, but little to not progress.
I don't really have any friends. Blech. I do kind of hate my life, although when I think of a busier social life I don't feel very interested in that.
Surprisingly my thyroid tested bad for the first time in my life. I'll get a retest to see if that was just a bad test or if there really is an issue. If there is- blech, even more health problems to control.
For the last - 6 months, year? I've practically stopped eating. I don't like to discuss it because I'm worried that people will think strangely or badly of me. But, I basically get by on maybe 400 calories a day. Oddly, I'm not really that skinny. And I'm definitely not hungry.
Sadly, I didn't get my period again this year, even though I tried the Takesumi detox stuff once again.
So, I'm going on birth control, and that is supposed to affect me systemically too, so that is even more symptoms to watch out for.
Man, I'm going to be pretty unhappy when I no longer have health care (in a year and a half, when my mom retires). I love my doctors, they are a highlight of my life because they listen to me and I'm open with them and they are trying to help me. But as I will have to learn, all good things must come to an end. I will have to learn to get by even with things not as I wish them to be. I probably won't learn that lesson and will just hate my life, knowing me though.
I don't even feel thankful that I have healthcare. I just feel like I need it and I feel kind of crappy about myself (there goes the pain talking). I have incredible doctors (as in very skilled, smart, and compassionate as well). Every single one of them. And my copays and blood tests or other lab tests are incredibly cheap. I haven't even gotten billed for them, and I've gotten blood tests and stool tests and urine tests multiple times this year.
That reminds me- I got a C. diff infection after my antibiotics (after the ER gave me a broad-spectrum one, in thinking wrongly that I had a UTI). Ugghh. It hurt. It would be a terrible way to die. Since I'm kind of a hypochondriac, I thought it might kill me, and that was very scary, the stuff I was reading online. But, I took Vancomycin- an antibiotic, which worked, and now I hardly think about it. It is good/lucky that I took it quickly due to my excellent healthcare, and survived without any long term complications.
I kind of wish my parents would just say here Marissa, we've got tons of money, just take it and don't worry about it. We love you and we can share.
But, A) They wouldn't say that unless they change B) I wouldn't even say that to someone, I'm really stingy and not generous, and I am the one that should be sympathetic! It would take alot of changing on my part too, to be free financially with someone without reciprocation
My insomnia has been pretty crazy. I have no recollection of what it is like to feel tired. Although I know it was like this throughout all of high school and college- I never felt 'tired', so it hasn't changed much. But, what has changed is that now I just stay up all night, instead of at some point falling asleep even without tiredness. Now that doesn't even happen.
Unfortunately, Cymbalta gives me some really intense dreaming and therefore I am stuck at my small dose, because the dreams will make me all tight at night and in alot of pain in the morning. Lame.
I really tried to stick it out with Cymbalta and be on an antidepressant for more than 2 weeks. I've made it an entire two months. I should be congratulated for that. I had an incredibly terrible time when I started- dizziness and staying up all night. I never would have stuck with it except that I was in a personal competition to stay on antidepressants long enough so that Sari couldn't tell me I keep quitting them too early. Lol. And, as it turns out, those bad symptoms from the first weeks did go away (huh! All along I thought stuff like that wouldn't go away when I was on past antidepressants). Now I have no obvious symptoms, just I feel somewhat less overthinking and better quality sleep (yay!), but nightmares and intense dreams(not yay).
I didn't bother with this for years- but I finally took Restoril due to Sari's encouragement, and well- it did make me sleep. Who's to say that I shouldn't take it every night..? If I become addicted to it, is that any worse than not being able to sleep naturally?
Its kind of silly.
Other changes- So- while I can barely move, and my back hurts all the time, so I do not walk more than a few steps and do not do my laundry (UGH), my body does feel better than it did a year ago.
I am extremely aware now of what is wrong with my posture. My entire back is bent too much forward, my legs and hips and fixed in place, my stomach is tight, and my neck can't move and on top of that, is stuck in forward-head syndrome.
Now, I would have thought that 'understanding' that would lead to my being able to 'fix' it. But as it turns out, I just can't move. So whatever movements I do to release my muscles, they just end up tightening up again. I say this after having spent countless hours, whole days, and actually months now, on body awareness. And the hard fact to face is that its not working. There is something else going on that is making me so tight and unable to move. Maybe this would be obvious to an outsider- I am only 28 and previously athletic, and now I can't walk, but anyways, to me its not obvious. While I think it is largely due to the (supposed) Candida infection, given my huge response to Fluconazole, I can't say for sure that that's really what it is.
Oh god, Fluconazole- how I miss waking up without joint pain, being able to self massage- click click, my muscles would release in my hamstrings, my face not all tight. And the food- the fact that I could eat fruit! That was pretty cool.
I have much less of a response to Fluconzaole anymore (and sometimes no response). I think that the Candida may have become Fluconazole-resistant, and that is why I can't feel it anymore. Well- its just a guess. Like everything I come up with, it makes sense to me but I'm not a doctor and am often wrong. But it sounds so plausible! lol
So anyways, I think of asking my doctor for a different anti-fungal, but then I'm so incredible distracted by so many other health issues and things to look into, I haven't gotten around to asking that specifically.
I am in general doing 'poor-to-okay', meaning that I'm not going into any severe depressions, but I just simply am hanging out at home and not applying my mind, all day every day.
I don't have a job. I don't want a job because my body hurts to much to sit or focus for extended periods. But, sometimes at Landmark I'm talking and stuff and my body feels so much better, so I don't know! I mean, I could expect that from a job- the getting out of my head which makes my body feel better-, but I simply can't deal with the other issues that it takes- putting on clothes, walking from the parking lot, being hot/cold/sick in my stomach. Ugh. I'm not being dealt a ton of crap for not working, and I would say it bothers me less than it used to, but it still bothers me.
One insight which has been really interesting for me is the simple fact that man- my health / flexibility has really gotten WORSE in the past few years. I have this mindset that it will always, always get better, always get back to health, that I'm young and I 'should' be strong. And then when it comes down to it, I didn't have a back problem like this when I was in college - I was still running, and I was dancing salsa a few years ago, and now I can barely walk. And- I truly have no idea why. But as far as accepting this, its been pretty odd for me to realize that people can get worse, that situations and health can change for the worse, just because, not for any good reason. I can't even imagine how it feels to be old and know that your health is just in permanent decline, no 'cure' to even look forward to. Because its scary being messed up and not having a cure. I am messed up and while I don't have a definite avenue for a cure, I spend every freaking day looking into things that might change the course of my health to normalcy.
And I am lucky in that now I can say (or at least think)- "Its the fungal infection, its not ME".
Whereas it used to be just everything was my fault, to my mind. Although, I'm still shy about mentioning it, lol. Plus there's a lot else wrong. Such as, maybe my PCOS is just getting beyond the edge of control, who knows? (Apparently its an inflammatory disorder).
Thursday, January 25, 2018
first time taking an antibiotic
It's been crazy. I took it for four days and had all sorts of shit happen that I didn't attribute to the meds (my bad; well, my doctor's bad for not telling me that antibiotics can have all sorts of side effects.)
I got alot of muscle relief, similar to the antifungal, but even more so.
But, I got a seriously terrible amount of headache, gas, and discomfort.
So, it was a die-off reaction? What the hell do I even have?
I'm actually pretty scared that I've secreted a bunch of toxins into my system now, and could have long-term effects of that. Who knows? And what happened to being a nature lover who wanted to be all natural blah blah, and now I'm just going full- scale western med on whatever I have. sad.
I was taking it for my vaginal infection, but its giving me all these systemic effects.
I wish I knew more about medicine. This sucks.
It also sucks that I keep being so totally wrong about my healthcare. For example. being sure that my back pain was psychosomatic "because 80% of pain is human created" (Sadhguru), and "80% of back pain is psychosomatic" (that book about psyhcosomatic pain.
And just now- being so sure I had the stomach flu, (and telling people that!), when in fact I was having a response to flagyl. God, I just have no flipping idea when it comes down to it. My doctor knows more than I do. Although, he never seemed to think that I had a rogue infection causing my problems..
update- I learned later over the week that the reason I was having such as insane reaction wasn't ONLY the fact that I was taking the antibiotic. It had something to do with taking the antibiotic along with the antidepressant. When I stopped taking the antidepressant a few days later, my head returned to normal and my headaches went away. Sadly, my incredible releasing muscles went away too, it was related. My doctor said 'too much serotonin'. hmph.
While this whole incident was pretty strange (who knew that antibiotics could have an effect on antidepressants), I was actually on only half of the lowest dose of the antidepressant Trintellix. Can you imagine, I would have been out of my mind had I been taking to full dose..
I got alot of muscle relief, similar to the antifungal, but even more so.
But, I got a seriously terrible amount of headache, gas, and discomfort.
So, it was a die-off reaction? What the hell do I even have?
I'm actually pretty scared that I've secreted a bunch of toxins into my system now, and could have long-term effects of that. Who knows? And what happened to being a nature lover who wanted to be all natural blah blah, and now I'm just going full- scale western med on whatever I have. sad.
I was taking it for my vaginal infection, but its giving me all these systemic effects.
I wish I knew more about medicine. This sucks.
It also sucks that I keep being so totally wrong about my healthcare. For example. being sure that my back pain was psychosomatic "because 80% of pain is human created" (Sadhguru), and "80% of back pain is psychosomatic" (that book about psyhcosomatic pain.
And just now- being so sure I had the stomach flu, (and telling people that!), when in fact I was having a response to flagyl. God, I just have no flipping idea when it comes down to it. My doctor knows more than I do. Although, he never seemed to think that I had a rogue infection causing my problems..
update- I learned later over the week that the reason I was having such as insane reaction wasn't ONLY the fact that I was taking the antibiotic. It had something to do with taking the antibiotic along with the antidepressant. When I stopped taking the antidepressant a few days later, my head returned to normal and my headaches went away. Sadly, my incredible releasing muscles went away too, it was related. My doctor said 'too much serotonin'. hmph.
While this whole incident was pretty strange (who knew that antibiotics could have an effect on antidepressants), I was actually on only half of the lowest dose of the antidepressant Trintellix. Can you imagine, I would have been out of my mind had I been taking to full dose..
January 2018
This month has been a real doozy of watching myself react, then not react, to the anti fungal. I also started taking the antibacterial called Flagyl, which I'll get to later.
So here's what been happening with the anti-fungal.
I take it on Sundays.
On Mondays- I wake up with much less pain (unimaginably less) pain than the day before. I wake up, and because I can, I do a quick yoga-type 'upward dog' stretch, and that causes my upper back to have a nice little crack. To be clear- nice little cracks NEVER happened before I started taking anti-fungals. I just couldn't move.
Over the next few days, I will have times of impressive amounts of movement/energy in my body, and that correlates with my doing massage and laying down and letting my muscles relax on their own to move into the right places. But it goes in and out, its not like a whole day of it. Also, these days are associated with me talking and singing to myself quite alot more than usual. My voice comes out so loud and clear (for me; probably just normal for anyone else). I am surprised at the changes to my voice; but its just because the muscles around my face and jaw are relaxed.
Then by thurs/fri/sat/sun it keeps happening, but I notice that I'm in so much more pain, can't walk, can't bend, can't tie my shoes, can't shower, hate everything, etc. And I have despairing thoughts. And I just cannot stop make back from rounding in and my chest holding. I realize I can't work, because I can't sit in a chair. I stop doing the talking, the singing; I become disconnected because I don't want to be around people. My face - the wrinkles are set; I seem to be clenching my jaw and face without realizing it or doing it on purpose. Communication becomes harder in general, even small questions. 'How are you?' questions become this big deal to answer.
Umm yeah. Then I wake up Monday after having taken it Sunday and I'm fine again. Of course, fine being something that I haven't ever experienced in the last 15 years before I took this antifungal.
However, during this whole thing- I am having insomnia. And I am having back pain that still isn't good enough to get a message or allow me to stand still and to walk. Even with all that body relaxing, the muscles that would allow me to walk in my back just aren't working right.
So here's what been happening with the anti-fungal.
I take it on Sundays.
On Mondays- I wake up with much less pain (unimaginably less) pain than the day before. I wake up, and because I can, I do a quick yoga-type 'upward dog' stretch, and that causes my upper back to have a nice little crack. To be clear- nice little cracks NEVER happened before I started taking anti-fungals. I just couldn't move.
Over the next few days, I will have times of impressive amounts of movement/energy in my body, and that correlates with my doing massage and laying down and letting my muscles relax on their own to move into the right places. But it goes in and out, its not like a whole day of it. Also, these days are associated with me talking and singing to myself quite alot more than usual. My voice comes out so loud and clear (for me; probably just normal for anyone else). I am surprised at the changes to my voice; but its just because the muscles around my face and jaw are relaxed.
Then by thurs/fri/sat/sun it keeps happening, but I notice that I'm in so much more pain, can't walk, can't bend, can't tie my shoes, can't shower, hate everything, etc. And I have despairing thoughts. And I just cannot stop make back from rounding in and my chest holding. I realize I can't work, because I can't sit in a chair. I stop doing the talking, the singing; I become disconnected because I don't want to be around people. My face - the wrinkles are set; I seem to be clenching my jaw and face without realizing it or doing it on purpose. Communication becomes harder in general, even small questions. 'How are you?' questions become this big deal to answer.
Umm yeah. Then I wake up Monday after having taken it Sunday and I'm fine again. Of course, fine being something that I haven't ever experienced in the last 15 years before I took this antifungal.
However, during this whole thing- I am having insomnia. And I am having back pain that still isn't good enough to get a message or allow me to stand still and to walk. Even with all that body relaxing, the muscles that would allow me to walk in my back just aren't working right.
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Period. end of 2017
I just got my period, so that is cool. Its the 4th time I've gotten it this year (two earlier in the year, then October, then now). Sweet! So, that's by far the most periods I've gotten in my life, naturally.
I got it either because I started taking the antidepressant Trintellix (sometimes I've gotten a period on antidepressants), and/or because I just started taking Takesumi again (but its only been two days, so that seems too fast). Anyhow, I'm pretty glad that its here unexpectedly and all that jazz. However, I've had no libido so my body is still pretty sucky.
I got it either because I started taking the antidepressant Trintellix (sometimes I've gotten a period on antidepressants), and/or because I just started taking Takesumi again (but its only been two days, so that seems too fast). Anyhow, I'm pretty glad that its here unexpectedly and all that jazz. However, I've had no libido so my body is still pretty sucky.
Saturday, December 9, 2017
I HAVE A SYSTEMIC CANDIDA INFECTION AND I'M NOW GOING TO BE OKAY!!!!!!!
This is the greatest news of my last 15 years...
Here's what happened.
I got Fluconazole for a yeast infection, which I finally went in for, months (years?) after first having symptoms 'down there'. At this point, I had other signs of fungal infection- oral thrush, and a crazy rash on my hip that looked really bad at first, and then the yeast infection too.
So, I took Fluconazole (anti-fungal) despite my long term issue of not wanting 'medications', and lo and behold, the VERY NEXT MORNING, I woke up in maybe 70% less than my normal pain that I've been experiencing for the last 15 years (since junior/high school, and now I'm 27). My entire body felt looser, my legs weren't tight as drums, neither was my back. My journal said- 'I just woke up in the least pain I've ever been in...' I thought it was too soon for the anti-fungal to have worked, so I just went on with my day. But - the pain reduction stayed the entire week, and now its been a week and a half, and I'm simply no longer in my chronic pain. There was a dramatic decrease in muscle tension all over my body, and my stomach eased up its tightened state. I also became able to eat more foods.
Regarding my last post- I was incorrect, although I didn't know it at the time. The pain isn't psychosomatic. I was tight all the time, 24/7, and just because I got tighter when I had emotional upset, didn't mean that it was psychosomatic. Somehow I ignored the fact that no one else is in this much pain, that it doesn't get better..ever, and all my digestive issues. That interesting time of 'going into my hurts'- it didn't last and I've been in pain consistently since then.
Other changes- I can eat! I'm actually happier about this than I ever would've expected, because I just simply forgot the joy of eating and I was so stuck on wanting the body pain gone. But, eating is pretty great, now that I can handle food (and to reiterate, its been 1 week only!) Before Fluconazole, practically everything was making me sick- fruit, veggies, meat was too 'tiring', cold drinks were too cold, and also- despite lots of snacking, nothing was making me feel full. I just couldn't get my body to receive the fullness of food. I was only eating very specific foods that my body told me to eat to cover up a particular digestive upset. It was pretty odd how particular I needed to be. But also terribly depressing because I was never satisfied, no matter how much or little I ate.
Another surprise- I thought the pain would all go away, the more Fluconazole I took. But it didn't, its just staying fairly low (for me). The muscle tension that remains isn't just loosening on its own. And, my back still hurts too much to exercise. Middle ground- I'm going to do some serious self-massage and work on those tight muscles. This is what I've always wanted for myself- to be able to decrease my muscle tension, but never have been able to, because I'd also wake up with tight muscles no matter what I did during the day. Can you understand how my life has utterly changed? Now I can actually do all the things that are supposed to help with the expectation that they WILL help- yoga, massage, stretching, foam roller, self-massage, Feldenkrais, etc.
Regarding my thoughts on myself- oh my god. How could I have been so wrong? So sure that I was just some disgraceful shithead f-up unenthusiastic angry girl, unable to see that that is what depression makes you into? That's what pain, and isolation, make a person into? I mean, I was SO WRONG. Years of beating myself up, considering myself pathetic at how little I could do. Why did I do that? I know now that it was just part of all the disease going on, to treat myself so badly. But, its sad. In the past few years of back pain, I've literally been unable to walk. Why did I so strongly expect of myself anything more? And by the way- it makes a lot of sense that I've had a Candida infection- my digestive system has been off for a long time (I remember that I never got hungry in high school), and I've had trouble sleeping for years, and the body pain and lethargy really I'm sure did impact my social ability in high school. I feel so sorry for myself. It took me, what 15 years, more than 10 specialists (not including the 15 chiropractors).. Its just been such a f***ing mess to try to get myself treated.
Lastly- insomnia hasn't changed- still up for hours without feeling tired. And, no idea how my PCOS factors into all this.
<<<<<<<BUT I"M NOT HOPELESS ANYMORE>>>>>>>
Here's what happened.
I got Fluconazole for a yeast infection, which I finally went in for, months (years?) after first having symptoms 'down there'. At this point, I had other signs of fungal infection- oral thrush, and a crazy rash on my hip that looked really bad at first, and then the yeast infection too.
So, I took Fluconazole (anti-fungal) despite my long term issue of not wanting 'medications', and lo and behold, the VERY NEXT MORNING, I woke up in maybe 70% less than my normal pain that I've been experiencing for the last 15 years (since junior/high school, and now I'm 27). My entire body felt looser, my legs weren't tight as drums, neither was my back. My journal said- 'I just woke up in the least pain I've ever been in...' I thought it was too soon for the anti-fungal to have worked, so I just went on with my day. But - the pain reduction stayed the entire week, and now its been a week and a half, and I'm simply no longer in my chronic pain. There was a dramatic decrease in muscle tension all over my body, and my stomach eased up its tightened state. I also became able to eat more foods.
Regarding my last post- I was incorrect, although I didn't know it at the time. The pain isn't psychosomatic. I was tight all the time, 24/7, and just because I got tighter when I had emotional upset, didn't mean that it was psychosomatic. Somehow I ignored the fact that no one else is in this much pain, that it doesn't get better..ever, and all my digestive issues. That interesting time of 'going into my hurts'- it didn't last and I've been in pain consistently since then.
Other changes- I can eat! I'm actually happier about this than I ever would've expected, because I just simply forgot the joy of eating and I was so stuck on wanting the body pain gone. But, eating is pretty great, now that I can handle food (and to reiterate, its been 1 week only!) Before Fluconazole, practically everything was making me sick- fruit, veggies, meat was too 'tiring', cold drinks were too cold, and also- despite lots of snacking, nothing was making me feel full. I just couldn't get my body to receive the fullness of food. I was only eating very specific foods that my body told me to eat to cover up a particular digestive upset. It was pretty odd how particular I needed to be. But also terribly depressing because I was never satisfied, no matter how much or little I ate.
Another surprise- I thought the pain would all go away, the more Fluconazole I took. But it didn't, its just staying fairly low (for me). The muscle tension that remains isn't just loosening on its own. And, my back still hurts too much to exercise. Middle ground- I'm going to do some serious self-massage and work on those tight muscles. This is what I've always wanted for myself- to be able to decrease my muscle tension, but never have been able to, because I'd also wake up with tight muscles no matter what I did during the day. Can you understand how my life has utterly changed? Now I can actually do all the things that are supposed to help with the expectation that they WILL help- yoga, massage, stretching, foam roller, self-massage, Feldenkrais, etc.
Regarding my thoughts on myself- oh my god. How could I have been so wrong? So sure that I was just some disgraceful shithead f-up unenthusiastic angry girl, unable to see that that is what depression makes you into? That's what pain, and isolation, make a person into? I mean, I was SO WRONG. Years of beating myself up, considering myself pathetic at how little I could do. Why did I do that? I know now that it was just part of all the disease going on, to treat myself so badly. But, its sad. In the past few years of back pain, I've literally been unable to walk. Why did I so strongly expect of myself anything more? And by the way- it makes a lot of sense that I've had a Candida infection- my digestive system has been off for a long time (I remember that I never got hungry in high school), and I've had trouble sleeping for years, and the body pain and lethargy really I'm sure did impact my social ability in high school. I feel so sorry for myself. It took me, what 15 years, more than 10 specialists (not including the 15 chiropractors).. Its just been such a f***ing mess to try to get myself treated.
Lastly- insomnia hasn't changed- still up for hours without feeling tired. And, no idea how my PCOS factors into all this.
<<<<<<<BUT I"M NOT HOPELESS ANYMORE>>>>>>>
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