Sunday, November 3, 2013
I don't blame myself for making mistakes. I love myself for offering lessons.
There's some family troubles in my family, like in all families.
I have a hard time dealing with my dad, since I get really uncomfortable with him. I generally find him to be unsupportive and uncaring, and it frightens me how fast he can go from zero to angry and irritable.
My dad typically says nothing to me but, 'have a nice day' when he leaves for work. He doesn't take the time to say 'have a nice day', and he doesn't look at me when he says it or seem caring. Instead, he usually says it just as he is leaving out the door in a rush - the door shutting as he finishes his hello and goodbye sentence to me for the day.
I react in a thousandfold negative ways to this: 'He just speaks in generalizations', 'have a nice day' isn't even an authentic thought, its just something he says without meaning, 'he really doesn't care about me at all in fact',' he is so bothersome and irritating how he's always in a rush', 'he doesn't ever act like he hears my 'you too / thanks' - he doesn't respond to it and he's already out the door.
I have a lot of negativity towards my dad and can be overly touchy. I have a buildup on grievances.
Our most recent 'situation': my dad told me multiple times that he would 'show me how to turn on the bike light' that he just attached to my bike, 'because its not working correctly and I should just show you how to turn it on'.
My reaction is: I feel demeaned that he thinks I can't figure out how to turn on a bike light and on top of it, bothered that he isn't even allowing me the chance to try it myself. He has already tried to show how to fix things multiple times, with the assumption that I can't figure it out myself. Also, I am incredibly sensitive to him and want to avoid any contact with him. That includes avoiding giving him a few minutes with me to show me whatever isn't working on the bike light.
To make it worse, he is always 'just trying to help', so in his point of view he is always in the right. If I so much as comment on his tone of voice, I get an immediate blaming 'Marissa you are wrong; Marissa I am trying to help you and you're not letting me'. He can't understand that I Do Not want help to learn something if I am going to feel this amount of tension over the manner of the help itself. I also try extra hard not to let him help me because I know that he wants to help me, which would make him feel good about himself, and my resentment is pretty high to allow for that.
When my dad tries to show me things, he has this incredibly authoritative, over-acting stuck-upness in his teaching role that I find incredibly displeasing. He speaks with too much diction, and he gets really frustrated at not having words come out smoothly. His words spit out sharply and with excess pressure of quality and tone, and I feel so irritated in that presence.
Instead of being casual, he acts with an authoritative role and I feel below him, student to teacher. He overexaggerates all of his movements as he shows me how to do things. For example, instead of just saying 'move this counter clockwise' and trusting that I understand that, he says 'move this cOUNter-clockwise' with this pressured angry movement in his face as he emphasizes 'counter' versus clockwise. In his hand motions, he over-emphasizes his arms making a left circular motion by doing it multiple times.
I'm so bothered as to create alot of weasling around effort to avoid those three minutes with my dad where he wants to help me. I find his body language and speech to be ugly. Everything in me wants to look away, flee, forget about the task he is showing me and bury it in its now worthlessness- just not worth it -below mountains of tension that I hate. I tighten up, wishing he would stop 'teaching me' and that we didn't have such a poor relationship. What goes from something small leads to my being angry.
In my most recent situation - my dad kept bringing up this wish to help me with the bike light. I hadn't ridden my bike in a week and didn't have plans to, so the bike light wasn't important to me and I didn't particularly care. Also, I assumed I could figure it out myself, and didn't want my dad's help. Some day, some day, I will tell my dad of the Buddhist notion of 'joyful effort', and how utterly lacking he is in joyful effort in his efforts to help.
But, my dad really harps on things. In fact, I've stopped ever mentioning things I want, like say a car squeegee, because he goes out of his way to do things that people mention offhandedly. So, my dad was harping on the bike light, and it was fairly high on his priorities. He'd mentioned it a few times so I knew it was pretty stuck on his radar. On the phone, he brought it up again, that he would show me how to turn it on. My immediate reaction is to be all sensitive about how he doesn't have the faith in me to trust that I can figure this out for myself.
I am not about to pick an argument since I will be blamed, and I dislike the tension of arguing. I hold it in like usual that I don't like his help because he makes me so uncomfortable, the tone, the body language, and I don't refuse his help but I don't give in to him either; this is how I am weasly passive-aggressive. I say 'yes well, I think I got it' . He repeats that he should show me. I say 'yes well I'll try it and call you if it doesn't work'. I am still withholding the real problem of, 'Come on! I can do this! YOU AREN'T SUPPORTING ME, and never have to a good enough degree for me to learn self confidence'. He replies 'look its easier if I just show you'. I know at this point that his perspective is - he is trying to help me and sees me as being resisting, immature, hard to work with, that I am at fault, and that he is FRUSTRATED with me. I reply a taut 'try me', and he huffs back an angry 'Fine. Suit Yourself. Bye'. Click.
As always, I am relieved as soon as I get off the phone with him. I am under some conflict stress of blaming myself, 'why can't I just let things slide, I could just give him the few minutes that he wants with me? And yet I make such a big deal about it, but still withhold the real issue I have - why can't I be better at voicing my grievances?
I'm frustrated with my dad and with myself. I'm blaming myself for essentially, not being perfect, for having unvirtuous, not right thoughts and actions (overly resentful instead of helpful, passive-aggressive instead of active). I'm essentially blaming myself for being imperfect and taking on my dad's blame too.
Why should I perfect? Why should I even strive towards that? I'm sick of blaming myself.
I came to the most delicious thought ever during introspection on this and other arguments. Firstly, I don't have to take responsibility for my dad's anger. He can learn how to deal with his own problems and stop being so angry at me for refusing his help. This anger is his own karma that is working against him, and I am not the sole cause of blame. In a more compassionate state of mind, he just as easily could have not been frustrated by me, not sweat the small stuff, not been attached to needing to help me or to his role as the knower and my role as the 'don't know how to do it', and could have said 'okay, try it, talk to you later'. Unfortunately, he is not yet at that state of mind. In the meantime, I do not have to absorb his negative Karma and be at fault for that, too; I don't need to take it personally. My relationship with my dad is not all about me and my faults, that's me being overly critical of myself.
Not only that, but I can be proud of myself: I was giving my dad the chance to recognize his faults and learn from them. If I just kept my frustration completely held in and didn't try this passive refusal response, and if I let him 'show me how to work the bike light', he wouldn't have had the chance to learn about his anger. I am offering him the opportunity to learn from. He could bow to me for helping him, for teaching him in the kindest way of letting people reach their own conclusions.
I giggled a lot when I came to this conclusion. Suddenly, everything was so lighthearted. I don't make mistakes and they aren't my faults - I just give people and myself the chance to learn lessons from. Opportunities to learn from. No blame, no judgements in an opportunity.
I can do no wrong! I just go around helping people out, letting them learn about themselves. Mira told me that its very Buddhist to pretend, that pretending 'I'm going to act like things are okay, that I am okay' is a very high principled effort. My dad can deal with his own Karma. I can go about pretending that I am just bungling around, being ridiculous, whatever I do, and in doing so, let the pressure I put on myself recede.
Another example: my dad gets all ugly and mad at me when I don't put my dishes away. His body gets rigid, and his voice comes out chokingly tight. I am sensitive and get frightened by my dad easily.
Not putting dishes away is practically the only thing I do wrong at home right now. At first, I was blaming myself for leaving dishes out since its bad manners, and disrespectful even. I don't know why I have so much resistance against putting my dishes away, but I do. In all other respects, I have cleaned up extraordinarily - picking up clothes, and shoes, keeping my room neat and clean, having an offerings place on my desk.
Then I had the thought - my dad can deal with his own karma; better yet, my not picking up my dishes is offering him the chance!
My dad is smart and has every ability to see, acknowledge, and drop his anger and irritability. He could choose a kinder response - he could help me out and pick up my dishes in loving kindness for me. That shouldn't even be so much to ask, in my opinion. But given where we are at, its a big proposition. You think big in Buddhism, and you make your Karma grow bountiful. Seriously, this was the most positive and hopeful, growth-oriented thought for someone else I've ever had. So, I am offering him the chance in my wrongdoing to improve himself and generate good Karma! Its great - I don't have to be perfect, judge or blame myself, and I still am creating an offering.
I am being facetious and not trying to avoid all responsibility; I am just trying to decrease self-criticism. I am neat and clean in a million ways of kind speech and actions, and I have always washed everyone's dishes everywhere I have lived, not just washed my own (out of this strict conscientiousness I have). I deserve some credit for that. My dad doesn't know I have done that, but why is he getting so mad at me about this little thing? I don't know, but its really not my problem. I currently have too much resistance against him to try to help him, so rather than blame myself and add to the negativity, I will offer him my faults and mistakes. I will offer him my plate left on the table and my cup left on the desk- I am offering my real, imperfect self. He can respond kindly or he can add fuel to his own Karma fire, if he so makes the choice to do. His happiness and inner peace isn't dependent on my rightful actions; they are dependent on his own. He might not realize this now, but maybe he will come around in the future.
Pretending is fun.
I already feel my resistance lifting and more willingness to pick up the dishes out of kindness and respect, instead of being resentfully and unwillingly submissive.
What if I had overcome my prideful and resentful faults and let him show me how to turn on the bike light? What if I hadn't offered my faults and hadn't gotten him riled up at me yet again?
Well, I wouldn't have had the chance to learn for myself and see that nothing was wrong with the bike light at all. I turned it on, and on it went. Simple. The conflict around it, not so much. But the act itself in this instance - effortless.
I want to be a child - raw wonderment
I want to be a shrieking child.
As my body gets better, I want the years to fall off and to revert back to a more incredible age. I want to be 5. I want to run around and be delighted in my senses. I want to be a happy maniac kid, like all kids seem to be.
Everything seems to bring me back to wanting to be a child. I want their lack of self consciousness, which would be so pleasantly liberating, and their ability to intermingle seamlessly with peers and kids they've never met. I want their not needing to try or make efforts at things. I want the excitement, I want the body lightness compared to my heaviness. I want the constant learning and the amazement. I want the bouncing step, the love of body movements - running, hopping, jumping. I want the crazy imagination and ability to create games without a moments hesitation, and play for hours. I want the fun, the delight. The stopping eating when full and looking around at stuff. The laughing and shrieking and jumping for joy when happy. I want the temperamental crying at anger and frustration without any self complex. I want the limitless curiosity. When I put curiosity together with my smart mind, there is no doubt that magic can be created.
I want to be a cat. Cats delight in body sensations. They lean up into things, testing weight, solidity. They nuzzle up to people and treat everyone equally, just as an object to rub on. I would love to just lean up into a wall and just inhale its wall-ness, and feel my body rub up and exchange contact. I love their pushiness and their softness. The sleekness in the body movements - cat essence is pure smoothed down tactile control.
Dogs are always so pleasant and happy. I guess that's just because they are taken care of. Every time I see a dog, I pet it, I feel absolutely no wall of unfamiliarity with dogs like I do with people. Its so much easier.
As my body gets better, I want the years to fall off and to revert back to a more incredible age. I want to be 5. I want to run around and be delighted in my senses. I want to be a happy maniac kid, like all kids seem to be.
Everything seems to bring me back to wanting to be a child. I want their lack of self consciousness, which would be so pleasantly liberating, and their ability to intermingle seamlessly with peers and kids they've never met. I want their not needing to try or make efforts at things. I want the excitement, I want the body lightness compared to my heaviness. I want the constant learning and the amazement. I want the bouncing step, the love of body movements - running, hopping, jumping. I want the crazy imagination and ability to create games without a moments hesitation, and play for hours. I want the fun, the delight. The stopping eating when full and looking around at stuff. The laughing and shrieking and jumping for joy when happy. I want the temperamental crying at anger and frustration without any self complex. I want the limitless curiosity. When I put curiosity together with my smart mind, there is no doubt that magic can be created.
I want to be a cat. Cats delight in body sensations. They lean up into things, testing weight, solidity. They nuzzle up to people and treat everyone equally, just as an object to rub on. I would love to just lean up into a wall and just inhale its wall-ness, and feel my body rub up and exchange contact. I love their pushiness and their softness. The sleekness in the body movements - cat essence is pure smoothed down tactile control.
Dogs are always so pleasant and happy. I guess that's just because they are taken care of. Every time I see a dog, I pet it, I feel absolutely no wall of unfamiliarity with dogs like I do with people. Its so much easier.
Inward versus Outward: Conscientiousness
The main point of this post is probably to work through my thoughts on my own excessive introspection and self thinking. Its about love and caring, and about relevancy.
While I'm not actively doing harm by thinking about myself, I am unhappy with it. I am passively interacting with my world, that I am only such a small part of, and my thoughts about myself are completely disproportionate to all the things going on around me. If I want to fit in, I'm going to have to start being aware of things going on that I can fit into. Or, develop my awareness, increase my physical presence over my mental presence, and let my mentality drift beyond my current sphere of self.
I already think that I am a good person, and in simple terms of principles, I wish the best for everybody. But things that I want in my life haven't come together, with a job and career success and respect being the main one. I think that the main reason is that I haven't made significant efforts towards enabling other people to reach their goals, and so I haven't been reached out to in a workable manner, either.
There's a number of reasons for me to not reach out to others, including social anxiety and excessive inner conflict, and in much of this I feel a victim (again, of people not reaching out to me). But the plain facts are that I think about myself constantly, and its obviously not working for me.
I don't think I have to come to any large scale changes to develop the habit of thinking about others. I believe it will simply take a shift in my perspective. Here's why: I consider myself extremely conscientious. I am careful to do the right thing, I am concerned how my actions affect others, I value peace and quiet over noise and conflict. I felt terrible last night when I kicked a pebble that was actually a living snail in a small shell (I kicked it right as I saw it was a snail).
But I think that my conscientiousness is again profoundly self concerned, like I watch every step I make, and every noise I make or thing that I say. So, its over the top self involved and its pretty excruciating to live up to standards of being highly conscientious, or shall I say perfect.
And, or, there is the chance of me turning my conscientiousness away from myself, and thinking about the world. Not in my passive or inhibited way, but in a broad, expansive, engaging way. My conscientiousness, if redirected into awareness and compassion, could do great things. I would start seeing suffering around me and make attempts to stop it. I would be able to think about issues, and with that same introspection, looking in, I could like in at an issue and really work it out.
That's something I could do. Or, I could just be, and incorporate my senses into everything I do to ease the stronghold my mind has on me. I could just be sensual and alive. As my presence develops, I will feel less invisible, and less wary of creating noise or disturbance. I will be fuller of life and awareness of sounds, smells, tastes, touch. So I will grow into my own body and naturally my mind will stop wandering because it will be so attentive to whats going on around me. I will be anchored by present sensations rather than drifting in thoughts of the past.
Conscientious means with a conscience, so I already have that strongly developed - my conscience is ready to be used, its just under many mental barriers. The book, the Power of Now, will probably help me with this to decrease my mind wander. My mind wander isn't really very conscientious since its so random and irrelevant to the present. I want relevant, and I want to matter, and I want to make a difference. I just would hope to shift my perspective around and focus on things that I care about. I do care about myself but I am not even showing myself that much caring while I am mind wandering, so its better that I think about others. Its better Karma to think about others; it gets you more connected and plants better seeds to help others and have things come your way.
Since I'm very word/verbal focused, I need to think of some way to step out of the spiral of self involved conscientiousness. I had already come up with selfless development. What I'm going for here is to retain the conscientiousness (but lower the degree since its too stiflingly perfectionist), and dissociate from myself. I'm not going for development, I'm just going for a shift. Just easy, relaxed, smooth, nothing to make efforts on or judge myself over. I'll pick smooth, since it reminds me of my sense of touch. Instead of conscientiousness, I'm trying to feel outward for smoothness, and my body can tell me what to do.
While I'm not actively doing harm by thinking about myself, I am unhappy with it. I am passively interacting with my world, that I am only such a small part of, and my thoughts about myself are completely disproportionate to all the things going on around me. If I want to fit in, I'm going to have to start being aware of things going on that I can fit into. Or, develop my awareness, increase my physical presence over my mental presence, and let my mentality drift beyond my current sphere of self.
I already think that I am a good person, and in simple terms of principles, I wish the best for everybody. But things that I want in my life haven't come together, with a job and career success and respect being the main one. I think that the main reason is that I haven't made significant efforts towards enabling other people to reach their goals, and so I haven't been reached out to in a workable manner, either.
There's a number of reasons for me to not reach out to others, including social anxiety and excessive inner conflict, and in much of this I feel a victim (again, of people not reaching out to me). But the plain facts are that I think about myself constantly, and its obviously not working for me.
I don't think I have to come to any large scale changes to develop the habit of thinking about others. I believe it will simply take a shift in my perspective. Here's why: I consider myself extremely conscientious. I am careful to do the right thing, I am concerned how my actions affect others, I value peace and quiet over noise and conflict. I felt terrible last night when I kicked a pebble that was actually a living snail in a small shell (I kicked it right as I saw it was a snail).
But I think that my conscientiousness is again profoundly self concerned, like I watch every step I make, and every noise I make or thing that I say. So, its over the top self involved and its pretty excruciating to live up to standards of being highly conscientious, or shall I say perfect.
And, or, there is the chance of me turning my conscientiousness away from myself, and thinking about the world. Not in my passive or inhibited way, but in a broad, expansive, engaging way. My conscientiousness, if redirected into awareness and compassion, could do great things. I would start seeing suffering around me and make attempts to stop it. I would be able to think about issues, and with that same introspection, looking in, I could like in at an issue and really work it out.
That's something I could do. Or, I could just be, and incorporate my senses into everything I do to ease the stronghold my mind has on me. I could just be sensual and alive. As my presence develops, I will feel less invisible, and less wary of creating noise or disturbance. I will be fuller of life and awareness of sounds, smells, tastes, touch. So I will grow into my own body and naturally my mind will stop wandering because it will be so attentive to whats going on around me. I will be anchored by present sensations rather than drifting in thoughts of the past.
Conscientious means with a conscience, so I already have that strongly developed - my conscience is ready to be used, its just under many mental barriers. The book, the Power of Now, will probably help me with this to decrease my mind wander. My mind wander isn't really very conscientious since its so random and irrelevant to the present. I want relevant, and I want to matter, and I want to make a difference. I just would hope to shift my perspective around and focus on things that I care about. I do care about myself but I am not even showing myself that much caring while I am mind wandering, so its better that I think about others. Its better Karma to think about others; it gets you more connected and plants better seeds to help others and have things come your way.
Since I'm very word/verbal focused, I need to think of some way to step out of the spiral of self involved conscientiousness. I had already come up with selfless development. What I'm going for here is to retain the conscientiousness (but lower the degree since its too stiflingly perfectionist), and dissociate from myself. I'm not going for development, I'm just going for a shift. Just easy, relaxed, smooth, nothing to make efforts on or judge myself over. I'll pick smooth, since it reminds me of my sense of touch. Instead of conscientiousness, I'm trying to feel outward for smoothness, and my body can tell me what to do.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Why I don't want to be a therapist and issues over the growth process
I love therapy and talking about people's feelings, but I don't think I should be a therapist.
How are you supposed to know whats the right thing to say to someone?
For example: Client 'I did this wrong, I can't do anything'.
Therapist response options:
Therapist 1: How does that make you feel to say that?
Therapist 2: What kinds of feelings does that bring up for you?
Therapist 3: What would you tell your friend who said that?
Therapist 4: Nods in understanding of client's pain
Therapist 5: Holds clients pain and empathizes with them
Therapist 6: "normalizing" says- It is normal to do things wrong. Everyone does.
Therapist 7: "shifting perspectives to more positivity"says- What else did you do, or have done, right?
Therapist 8: How can you learn from this mistake?
Therapist 9: Does this relate to something you have done in the past?
Therapist 10: Would you like to start feeling better? Have some compassion for yourself.
And the clients possible responses:
Client 1: Therapist just asks more questions, frustration.
Client 2: Yeah, I don't do everything wrong - feels better.
Client 3: I do everything wrong and the whole world hates me --feels worse.
Client 4: feels understood by the Therapist - feels better.
Client 5: I feel angry at myself, I feel inadequate, I feel stupid, I feel like a loser.
Client 6: jeez, couldn't the Therapist say something comforting like, its okay, people make mistakes
Client 7: 'everyone makes mistakes', the Therapist doesn't realize how big my problems are
Client 8: I could learn to just stop trying - feels worse.
Client 9: My mom told me I do everything wrong, so did him, and her.
Client 10: Yes but I'm angry so I can't - feels trapped.
etc
And in another vein, I am also bothered by the idea of self help, where you pick up and discard helpful things along the way of your never ending personal growth process.. I used to go to Shambhala for a general discussion on whatever, which always turned out to be a general discussion on self-help tips, tools, practices, and wisdom.
And the problem is that everybody is always searching for wisdom that will make things better. But better just isn't feasible to me because its too ambiguous. There's no limit to betterment, and you will always want to get better, even if you are at a better state than your current state. There's no way to know that its helping 'enough' and there is no enough! For example, since I went to that string of yoga classes, I'm better - I worked my body, and made myself go out, so something nice happened. But how much better? If I didn't go, I am not worse off, but to some degree I am not better-off, right? And if I learn and try techniques for wisdom like getting in touch with yourself, helping others, exercise, positivity, do I ever get ahead of the game? Or do I simply always straggle onwards, looking for the next thing to make things somewhat but not substantially better?
I just don't think I could handle doing therapy as a therapist. I want to see someone all better, and as soon as possible. I don't want to see them a little better, or worse! People could go to therapy forever since there is always something wrong, and I don't want to see that. I want to help them, but not just help a little. I don't want to have conflict over accepting someone for who they are now, and simultaneously helping them to get to their goals, to a higher/better state. Its just too ambiguous! I don't understand or accept the fact that there is an ongoing process of maturing growth and development. I am all over the place with this. If on a given day, I have a bit of wisdom that helps me out, and then another day a different piece of wisdom that helps me in a different way, how can it all fit together?
For example: 'No pain, no gain' (work hard!), 'joyful effort'(if you are joyous doing something, it won't feel like effort!), meditate (cool your thoughts), love (let your heart expand!), don't isolate, be connected (be social), rejoice, plant seeds, help others (get the focus off yourself) and on and on and on.
I truly don't understand the point of self improvement sometimes, its just seems endless, and why be so bothered as to live with an endless task? People are so wanting to feel better, but why follow and grasp at all these little tidbits that don't fully seem to help.
I guess I am learning from this post that I need to see things more long term, and accept that there will be multiple parts included in a whole process. But, I want to simplify! A process, change over time, and all these parts just sounds complicated. Be here, be now, Marissa, it may yet work out.
How are you supposed to know whats the right thing to say to someone?
For example: Client 'I did this wrong, I can't do anything'.
Therapist response options:
Therapist 1: How does that make you feel to say that?
Therapist 2: What kinds of feelings does that bring up for you?
Therapist 3: What would you tell your friend who said that?
Therapist 4: Nods in understanding of client's pain
Therapist 5: Holds clients pain and empathizes with them
Therapist 6: "normalizing" says- It is normal to do things wrong. Everyone does.
Therapist 7: "shifting perspectives to more positivity"says- What else did you do, or have done, right?
Therapist 8: How can you learn from this mistake?
Therapist 9: Does this relate to something you have done in the past?
Therapist 10: Would you like to start feeling better? Have some compassion for yourself.
And the clients possible responses:
Client 1: Therapist just asks more questions, frustration.
Client 2: Yeah, I don't do everything wrong - feels better.
Client 3: I do everything wrong and the whole world hates me --feels worse.
Client 4: feels understood by the Therapist - feels better.
Client 5: I feel angry at myself, I feel inadequate, I feel stupid, I feel like a loser.
Client 6: jeez, couldn't the Therapist say something comforting like, its okay, people make mistakes
Client 7: 'everyone makes mistakes', the Therapist doesn't realize how big my problems are
Client 8: I could learn to just stop trying - feels worse.
Client 9: My mom told me I do everything wrong, so did him, and her.
Client 10: Yes but I'm angry so I can't - feels trapped.
etc
And in another vein, I am also bothered by the idea of self help, where you pick up and discard helpful things along the way of your never ending personal growth process.. I used to go to Shambhala for a general discussion on whatever, which always turned out to be a general discussion on self-help tips, tools, practices, and wisdom.
And the problem is that everybody is always searching for wisdom that will make things better. But better just isn't feasible to me because its too ambiguous. There's no limit to betterment, and you will always want to get better, even if you are at a better state than your current state. There's no way to know that its helping 'enough' and there is no enough! For example, since I went to that string of yoga classes, I'm better - I worked my body, and made myself go out, so something nice happened. But how much better? If I didn't go, I am not worse off, but to some degree I am not better-off, right? And if I learn and try techniques for wisdom like getting in touch with yourself, helping others, exercise, positivity, do I ever get ahead of the game? Or do I simply always straggle onwards, looking for the next thing to make things somewhat but not substantially better?
I just don't think I could handle doing therapy as a therapist. I want to see someone all better, and as soon as possible. I don't want to see them a little better, or worse! People could go to therapy forever since there is always something wrong, and I don't want to see that. I want to help them, but not just help a little. I don't want to have conflict over accepting someone for who they are now, and simultaneously helping them to get to their goals, to a higher/better state. Its just too ambiguous! I don't understand or accept the fact that there is an ongoing process of maturing growth and development. I am all over the place with this. If on a given day, I have a bit of wisdom that helps me out, and then another day a different piece of wisdom that helps me in a different way, how can it all fit together?
For example: 'No pain, no gain' (work hard!), 'joyful effort'(if you are joyous doing something, it won't feel like effort!), meditate (cool your thoughts), love (let your heart expand!), don't isolate, be connected (be social), rejoice, plant seeds, help others (get the focus off yourself) and on and on and on.
I truly don't understand the point of self improvement sometimes, its just seems endless, and why be so bothered as to live with an endless task? People are so wanting to feel better, but why follow and grasp at all these little tidbits that don't fully seem to help.
I guess I am learning from this post that I need to see things more long term, and accept that there will be multiple parts included in a whole process. But, I want to simplify! A process, change over time, and all these parts just sounds complicated. Be here, be now, Marissa, it may yet work out.
I have the time for you
This could even be a mantra, its that good ...
Here's how it came about: I've noticed that I am only able to feel body sensations when I make significant effort to still my thoughts. They need to slow down in order to recede out of my awareness. And when they do, I don't feel so restless. My too-fast thinking makes me feel too restless. And then when my thinking is slower, suddenly I have the time to feel caring towards others - people, creatures, things, and not be so focused on myself.
I've been telling myself in a variety of situations, 'I have the time for you'. Petting my dog - I have the time for you. I have the time for your wagging and your jumping and leaning. I have the time for you.
This week I did a meetup event that only one person showed up to. I didn't have a particularly good time or connect well with the guy. But I remembered that I was there to help, that my goal is to help others, so I tried with more effort to lend him my company while we were together. I tried harder to laugh at things I didn't like, etc, to make him feel better. Normally, I would have been almost angry at having to spend time with someone I dislike, and fall into mute bothered conversation or thoughts in silence. So, it helped me out a little - not fully, but somewhat.
The Meetup group is called 'Social Anxiety Busters'; its a group for shy people / people with social anxiety. Its almost a definite that people in this group are lonely to a large extent. The link between depression and loneliness, and social anxiety disorder is so strong its really spelled out for you; the acronym for Social Anxiety Disorder is SAD.
I have the time for you. That's all it takes. I'm here, now, and I have the time for you. With that in mind, its just so easy to be caring and pay attention to others needs.
The amazing part is that, while I didn't have a great time of the get together, it was all worth it to me because at the end I got feedback from the guy -'I'm glad I came out, I had a good time. Lets do it again'.
I felt so proud of myself for helping him. I had succeeded in my goal. Through kindness, and taking the attention off my needs, and simply allowing him a decent chance that he deserved, he had improved. All I needed to do was allow him my time and keep my mind on task, and the kindness and caring wafted out naturally. I think that's beautiful how it worked out. I'm always so highly wanting of feedback, and I received positive feedback without even trying for it.
And when you have so much time for someone, you just become more fully devoted to them. I swear, there is all the difference between ignoring my dog as I came home, 'fine' to see her but a little bothered by her since I feel preoccupied, versus petting her in adoration and feeling her tail hit me in her doggie joy.
Don't believe yourself for feeling preoccupied. Don't believe everything you think. I think I am preoccupied and don't have the time - don't have the time to sit down and eat well or even cook food, don't have the time to watch videos people put on facebook. Its so untrue, inaccurate. When I think about it, I am unemployed, and have all the time in the world. But my mind preoccupations convinces me otherwise. Instead of feeling peaceful and connected as I should, I really do feel a restless and heightened sense of isolation in my preoccupied state.
So for you, and for myself too: I have the time for you. I have the time to care for you, and to care for you well. I'm not in a hurry and don't need to believe my mind that something is wrong or lacking. Its not, so long as I am making contact with something that I can support or help. All I need is a distraction, and its up to me to choose distractions that I value (learning, helping) or distractions that I don't value (mind wander, disengagement from life).
I've gotten much better at using facebook to support my goals of helping others. Initially I just wanted to see who had liked my posts. But now, everytime I log on, I scroll through all the new posts and try to watch everyone's posts and video shares equally so that they know they are being viewed and heard. I'm even trying to comment more out of the karma principle of giving what you want to get (more feedback). I find that scary because I don't know if people think its weird that I comment on their posts if we aren't good friends, but its something I'm trying and I think its going great.
To extend 'I will have time for you' to an even greater degree: in the future, I will have time for you, and then I will grow more generous with my time. I will have so much time for you, as the time dominated by my mind recedes and I start really caring for the world. I will have all the time that you need - all the time for company, and cries, and laugher. I will have the money for you - I will get better at sharing. I will have the strength for you. I will have the love for you, the passion for you, the support I will have the time for you, whether or not I like you, you still deserve it; you deserve to know that you matter, and I can show you this by having the time to be attentive to you.
It would help me out, too.
I have the time to let you discover your true goodness, and mine.
Here's how it came about: I've noticed that I am only able to feel body sensations when I make significant effort to still my thoughts. They need to slow down in order to recede out of my awareness. And when they do, I don't feel so restless. My too-fast thinking makes me feel too restless. And then when my thinking is slower, suddenly I have the time to feel caring towards others - people, creatures, things, and not be so focused on myself.
I've been telling myself in a variety of situations, 'I have the time for you'. Petting my dog - I have the time for you. I have the time for your wagging and your jumping and leaning. I have the time for you.
This week I did a meetup event that only one person showed up to. I didn't have a particularly good time or connect well with the guy. But I remembered that I was there to help, that my goal is to help others, so I tried with more effort to lend him my company while we were together. I tried harder to laugh at things I didn't like, etc, to make him feel better. Normally, I would have been almost angry at having to spend time with someone I dislike, and fall into mute bothered conversation or thoughts in silence. So, it helped me out a little - not fully, but somewhat.
The Meetup group is called 'Social Anxiety Busters'; its a group for shy people / people with social anxiety. Its almost a definite that people in this group are lonely to a large extent. The link between depression and loneliness, and social anxiety disorder is so strong its really spelled out for you; the acronym for Social Anxiety Disorder is SAD.
I have the time for you. That's all it takes. I'm here, now, and I have the time for you. With that in mind, its just so easy to be caring and pay attention to others needs.
The amazing part is that, while I didn't have a great time of the get together, it was all worth it to me because at the end I got feedback from the guy -'I'm glad I came out, I had a good time. Lets do it again'.
I felt so proud of myself for helping him. I had succeeded in my goal. Through kindness, and taking the attention off my needs, and simply allowing him a decent chance that he deserved, he had improved. All I needed to do was allow him my time and keep my mind on task, and the kindness and caring wafted out naturally. I think that's beautiful how it worked out. I'm always so highly wanting of feedback, and I received positive feedback without even trying for it.
And when you have so much time for someone, you just become more fully devoted to them. I swear, there is all the difference between ignoring my dog as I came home, 'fine' to see her but a little bothered by her since I feel preoccupied, versus petting her in adoration and feeling her tail hit me in her doggie joy.
Don't believe yourself for feeling preoccupied. Don't believe everything you think. I think I am preoccupied and don't have the time - don't have the time to sit down and eat well or even cook food, don't have the time to watch videos people put on facebook. Its so untrue, inaccurate. When I think about it, I am unemployed, and have all the time in the world. But my mind preoccupations convinces me otherwise. Instead of feeling peaceful and connected as I should, I really do feel a restless and heightened sense of isolation in my preoccupied state.
So for you, and for myself too: I have the time for you. I have the time to care for you, and to care for you well. I'm not in a hurry and don't need to believe my mind that something is wrong or lacking. Its not, so long as I am making contact with something that I can support or help. All I need is a distraction, and its up to me to choose distractions that I value (learning, helping) or distractions that I don't value (mind wander, disengagement from life).
I've gotten much better at using facebook to support my goals of helping others. Initially I just wanted to see who had liked my posts. But now, everytime I log on, I scroll through all the new posts and try to watch everyone's posts and video shares equally so that they know they are being viewed and heard. I'm even trying to comment more out of the karma principle of giving what you want to get (more feedback). I find that scary because I don't know if people think its weird that I comment on their posts if we aren't good friends, but its something I'm trying and I think its going great.
To extend 'I will have time for you' to an even greater degree: in the future, I will have time for you, and then I will grow more generous with my time. I will have so much time for you, as the time dominated by my mind recedes and I start really caring for the world. I will have all the time that you need - all the time for company, and cries, and laugher. I will have the money for you - I will get better at sharing. I will have the strength for you. I will have the love for you, the passion for you, the support I will have the time for you, whether or not I like you, you still deserve it; you deserve to know that you matter, and I can show you this by having the time to be attentive to you.
It would help me out, too.
I have the time to let you discover your true goodness, and mine.
Oodles of Regrets
I literally function constantly on this stupid wavelength where I am always judging my minute to minute, and increased scale, activity and activity doings. I go back and forth in judgment of whether or not it was worth it, what I should have done differently, what I learnt from it. My introspection is top notch, but its also really annoying and feels compulsive.
For example, I got to the Korean grocery store, Zion, that's walking distance from my house. I get a little lost in my head whenever I go to buy groceries. I literally wander the floor, looking at every item, and without much intention of buying anything, but open to it looking at things. I compare prices everywhere I look. I look at everything with a coupon sign and nothing that's not a discounted item. I look at different types of milk, which I rarely drink, comparing their prices to Albertsons. I get tired of the lights inside, but I keep wandering the store.
I finally decide on what to buy - I get a small processed sweet, usually, like a red bean bun. As I'm leaving I get strung with a million regrets. Why did I stay in the store that long? I don't even like being in the store, everyone is Asian but me. But its cheap. But I didn't buy vegetables, and I am always supposed to buy vegetables when I got to a grocery store. But they were expensive. But I could've bought a vegetable and it would have cost less than this red bean thing, and now I see on the ingredient list that the first thing was sugar, not red bean, so it was a stupid purchase anyways. I spent an entire 40 minutes in the store and the one thing I bought wasn't up to my standards. How stupid, what a waste.
Then I think all about how its nicer being outside - fresh air, why did I stay inside so long? But then again, I have nothing to do today, so it doesn't really matter how long. But wasn't it still worthless to spend that long inside, instead of outdoors, and especially when I ended up spending money on this red bean thing? Then since it cost $2.03, I had to get $0.93 back in change, and I hate coins.
You get the point. I go through these excessive regret and judgment cycles with literally everything I do. Judgements, should-of's, and regret at not doing what I should have done, and then false wisdom as I see how that was what I needed. Usually, I think I somehow should have been doing something else more worthwhile, and it only makes sense to me to judge myself for not having done that.
Anyways, point being, that I want to stop the regrets and judgments surrounding everything. The obvious way to do that is to just be present, since if you're present, those regrets and judgements aren't happening and are thus of no concern. Things that you think about are never really happening. They are hardly ever fixed to the present moment, even though they may be triggered by something present. They aren't the real thing. And they suck! I hate going through these regret spirals where I always learn something from, like 'I should get better at knowing what I want when I go grocery shopping', and at that moment I understand a little bit more of my world.
But they never make me feel any better. I can understand and introspect all I want, and it never seems to make things any better. I don't want to learn and grow an introspect. I don't want to be in my head. I'm never trying to make things better, and there's no intention at all, its just mind wander. Since mind wander hasn't been working for me in the past, its necessary that I learn to try to be present, since I do believe that will give me feelings that I value of curiosity and wonder, and hopefully connection. When in contrast, my introspection is very isolating, because its all about me, and doesn't serve to open me paths to other people or things, for the most part.
I've been thinking of absolutely the funniest things recently in my mind wander. Like, 'Marissa, you are cold all the time, think warming thoughts! Curiosity is bright'. I'm not sure how these fit it in because right now, my mind is at times delighting me. But its a small amount of time, compared to the plain mind wander over past events.
I know to be true, by reading, and a little by personal experience, that being present is really a good thing and is a positive goal to move towards. You can literally choose to be in the present at absolutely any point at any time, its not something that needs to be put off. As in, its not something hard or that you have to learn the theoretics of, before doing. So why would I endlessly put it off? I find it scary. Currently, I find it scary. That's something that can change.
For example, I got to the Korean grocery store, Zion, that's walking distance from my house. I get a little lost in my head whenever I go to buy groceries. I literally wander the floor, looking at every item, and without much intention of buying anything, but open to it looking at things. I compare prices everywhere I look. I look at everything with a coupon sign and nothing that's not a discounted item. I look at different types of milk, which I rarely drink, comparing their prices to Albertsons. I get tired of the lights inside, but I keep wandering the store.
I finally decide on what to buy - I get a small processed sweet, usually, like a red bean bun. As I'm leaving I get strung with a million regrets. Why did I stay in the store that long? I don't even like being in the store, everyone is Asian but me. But its cheap. But I didn't buy vegetables, and I am always supposed to buy vegetables when I got to a grocery store. But they were expensive. But I could've bought a vegetable and it would have cost less than this red bean thing, and now I see on the ingredient list that the first thing was sugar, not red bean, so it was a stupid purchase anyways. I spent an entire 40 minutes in the store and the one thing I bought wasn't up to my standards. How stupid, what a waste.
Then I think all about how its nicer being outside - fresh air, why did I stay inside so long? But then again, I have nothing to do today, so it doesn't really matter how long. But wasn't it still worthless to spend that long inside, instead of outdoors, and especially when I ended up spending money on this red bean thing? Then since it cost $2.03, I had to get $0.93 back in change, and I hate coins.
You get the point. I go through these excessive regret and judgment cycles with literally everything I do. Judgements, should-of's, and regret at not doing what I should have done, and then false wisdom as I see how that was what I needed. Usually, I think I somehow should have been doing something else more worthwhile, and it only makes sense to me to judge myself for not having done that.
Anyways, point being, that I want to stop the regrets and judgments surrounding everything. The obvious way to do that is to just be present, since if you're present, those regrets and judgements aren't happening and are thus of no concern. Things that you think about are never really happening. They are hardly ever fixed to the present moment, even though they may be triggered by something present. They aren't the real thing. And they suck! I hate going through these regret spirals where I always learn something from, like 'I should get better at knowing what I want when I go grocery shopping', and at that moment I understand a little bit more of my world.
But they never make me feel any better. I can understand and introspect all I want, and it never seems to make things any better. I don't want to learn and grow an introspect. I don't want to be in my head. I'm never trying to make things better, and there's no intention at all, its just mind wander. Since mind wander hasn't been working for me in the past, its necessary that I learn to try to be present, since I do believe that will give me feelings that I value of curiosity and wonder, and hopefully connection. When in contrast, my introspection is very isolating, because its all about me, and doesn't serve to open me paths to other people or things, for the most part.
I've been thinking of absolutely the funniest things recently in my mind wander. Like, 'Marissa, you are cold all the time, think warming thoughts! Curiosity is bright'. I'm not sure how these fit it in because right now, my mind is at times delighting me. But its a small amount of time, compared to the plain mind wander over past events.
I know to be true, by reading, and a little by personal experience, that being present is really a good thing and is a positive goal to move towards. You can literally choose to be in the present at absolutely any point at any time, its not something that needs to be put off. As in, its not something hard or that you have to learn the theoretics of, before doing. So why would I endlessly put it off? I find it scary. Currently, I find it scary. That's something that can change.
If I'm Not Paying for it, Its Free
I'm having a lot of guilty conflict over this viewpoint that I seem to have some attachment to: If I'm Not Paying For it, Its Free.
Its a little bizarre how sensitive I am about paying for things, and then how completely blaise I am about the sheer costs of things that I don't pay for. For example, my parents paid for my college tuition. I never once thought to myself, this individual class at UCD cost $1000, Marissa, you should really appreciate this and study hard. I didn't have any sense of gratitude over it and I reacted to the known costs of the program with this sort of override entitlement on 'well its just free'. I even just just recently went out with a guy and let him pay for dinner and the comedy show we went to, and sort of felt bad on an ambiguous level and didn't really consider the costs. I was just thinking of myself, that I'm unemployed. But how do I have any idea of what his costs are, for rent or school loans, and why would I think its fine that he should pay while I still have money in the bank?
Same with insurance, which completely covers my blood draws, but covers minimally if I see someone out of network. I've never thought of the cost of the blood draws knowing that its free. If it wasn't covered, I would feel so stingy, trying to ask the doctor to order fewer tests, and feeling bad about tests ordered that came out negative that would need to be paid for, it would feel useless. But for me currently, my healthcare is free, since my parents pay the premiums and I just pay copays, and I barely think about it. I feel like I should be both guilty and grateful for things that are free. Guilty because, I am getting something and didn't pay for it, and grateful, that I am getting something and didn't pay for it. But if either, I only feel guilty.
Its just infinite: my parents covered my car payments, so they are free. My parents will cover my mental health costs, so they are free. My parents buy groceries, so they are free. My parents pay for my car insurance so my car is free, and they pay for my cell phone too. It would be really problematic and conflicting for me to get a cell phone on my own plan, considering how little I use it, but, I never think about that. You have no idea how much food I eat at home, just because 'its free'. I simply have no sense of the fact of financial burden. And if it feels free, I feel like I can take whatever I want, so long as I'm not paying. I even let my second doctor reorder tests that my first doctor had sent for.
I think it would be okay if I developed gratitude and trust in the system, that sometimes things are free because no one can do everything by themselves. So, first there is trust that this is okay, and then gratitude that I have been helped.
When I did the get results back from my blood tests that were positive that I have a number of severe and chronic food allergies, I took the news well, and that was great. I used a number of positive thoughts to be contrary to getting down, such as 'well I don't really taste my food anyways, so it truly doesn't matter; if I didn't enjoy my last sandwich on bread that much then I can't make a big deal of not being able to eat it', and over feeling regret at not having found out sooner by a past doctor, 'I already would have been in a lot of pain and it would have felt too late, whenever it was found out in the past'.
So, I felt like I dealt with it quite well and if you saw my facebook posts you know that I took the brunt of the news with a zany excitement, focusing on future body health improvement. What was interesting was that my Buddhist teacher, Mira, said 'so great that you have been offered this practical solution'; the key word being offered. I was a little struck. Aren't I entitled to get proper results? I thought I was entitled to the doctors ordering the right tests, as they should know what to do. The thousands of dollars of blood tests that were ordered, the majority negative, didn't I deserve all that so that I could get a correct diagnosis to help myself - isn't that what medicine is all about? But in fact, I hadn't even considered the financial cost of the blood tests which just seemed free to me, since I was paying. Someone somewhere is paying for it! Insurance, my parents, I don't know who, the lab technicians, I don't even know how many people are involved. And I just totally ignored it in my entitled thinking.
I'm not sure whether or not the entitlement is okay or not. But when Mira said 'what you were offered' made me feel more grateful about it, about people having taken the time to draw labs and scan them through a computer, and the doctor and office staff for getting them back to me. It made me feel as though I were receiving good karma from past actions; that my past efforts had made me worthy, as if I wasn't worthy of this news earlier. I'm not sure I agree with this, and am having conflict between the scientific side of 'a test is a test'. But wow, did the word 'offered' make for a different conception of my doctors experience. I felt less entitled to the truth, and more spun into a million factors of existence.
Its Mira who asked me simply to trust in the world. So I want to trust that I got all these blood tests for free, and not feel guilty about it, and not feel entitled to it, or not feel pressure that I necessarily need to help others because I was helped. I wish to feel as though my value as a human being enabled me to have access to much needed results. But that's not how it works - and I am hung up on why I was helped and why it was free to me. I didn't get those results before and by no means has everything been given me that I need just because I am a worthy human, that simply doesn't exist. You perhaps are given your basics of food, water, shelter as a result of being human, but some people don't even get that. Maybe you aren't even necessarily granted respect.
I want to feel grateful for all these things that I have been given - free car, free housing, free education, free/very cheap access to medical care. I can't though, its hard, I end up thinking of all the things I lack and feeling pitiful. I feel distrustful over these free things, that something is wrong or bad that I'm getting them for free. But if its as Mira said, I was offered them, maybe I can disregard some of the conflict over it being free, and be thankful. If anyone gave me a gift, I would say thank you, I wouldn't normally question it this much and get all knotted up in guilt. I wouldn't get caught under mountains of shame at how much I was given and how little I used or shared with others. I would be excited to open it, I would be delighted at being an object of appreciation, I would cherish it, and I would be generous with it. I wish to be generous with my gifts I have been offered.
Its a little bizarre how sensitive I am about paying for things, and then how completely blaise I am about the sheer costs of things that I don't pay for. For example, my parents paid for my college tuition. I never once thought to myself, this individual class at UCD cost $1000, Marissa, you should really appreciate this and study hard. I didn't have any sense of gratitude over it and I reacted to the known costs of the program with this sort of override entitlement on 'well its just free'. I even just just recently went out with a guy and let him pay for dinner and the comedy show we went to, and sort of felt bad on an ambiguous level and didn't really consider the costs. I was just thinking of myself, that I'm unemployed. But how do I have any idea of what his costs are, for rent or school loans, and why would I think its fine that he should pay while I still have money in the bank?
Same with insurance, which completely covers my blood draws, but covers minimally if I see someone out of network. I've never thought of the cost of the blood draws knowing that its free. If it wasn't covered, I would feel so stingy, trying to ask the doctor to order fewer tests, and feeling bad about tests ordered that came out negative that would need to be paid for, it would feel useless. But for me currently, my healthcare is free, since my parents pay the premiums and I just pay copays, and I barely think about it. I feel like I should be both guilty and grateful for things that are free. Guilty because, I am getting something and didn't pay for it, and grateful, that I am getting something and didn't pay for it. But if either, I only feel guilty.
Its just infinite: my parents covered my car payments, so they are free. My parents will cover my mental health costs, so they are free. My parents buy groceries, so they are free. My parents pay for my car insurance so my car is free, and they pay for my cell phone too. It would be really problematic and conflicting for me to get a cell phone on my own plan, considering how little I use it, but, I never think about that. You have no idea how much food I eat at home, just because 'its free'. I simply have no sense of the fact of financial burden. And if it feels free, I feel like I can take whatever I want, so long as I'm not paying. I even let my second doctor reorder tests that my first doctor had sent for.
I think it would be okay if I developed gratitude and trust in the system, that sometimes things are free because no one can do everything by themselves. So, first there is trust that this is okay, and then gratitude that I have been helped.
When I did the get results back from my blood tests that were positive that I have a number of severe and chronic food allergies, I took the news well, and that was great. I used a number of positive thoughts to be contrary to getting down, such as 'well I don't really taste my food anyways, so it truly doesn't matter; if I didn't enjoy my last sandwich on bread that much then I can't make a big deal of not being able to eat it', and over feeling regret at not having found out sooner by a past doctor, 'I already would have been in a lot of pain and it would have felt too late, whenever it was found out in the past'.
So, I felt like I dealt with it quite well and if you saw my facebook posts you know that I took the brunt of the news with a zany excitement, focusing on future body health improvement. What was interesting was that my Buddhist teacher, Mira, said 'so great that you have been offered this practical solution'; the key word being offered. I was a little struck. Aren't I entitled to get proper results? I thought I was entitled to the doctors ordering the right tests, as they should know what to do. The thousands of dollars of blood tests that were ordered, the majority negative, didn't I deserve all that so that I could get a correct diagnosis to help myself - isn't that what medicine is all about? But in fact, I hadn't even considered the financial cost of the blood tests which just seemed free to me, since I was paying. Someone somewhere is paying for it! Insurance, my parents, I don't know who, the lab technicians, I don't even know how many people are involved. And I just totally ignored it in my entitled thinking.
I'm not sure whether or not the entitlement is okay or not. But when Mira said 'what you were offered' made me feel more grateful about it, about people having taken the time to draw labs and scan them through a computer, and the doctor and office staff for getting them back to me. It made me feel as though I were receiving good karma from past actions; that my past efforts had made me worthy, as if I wasn't worthy of this news earlier. I'm not sure I agree with this, and am having conflict between the scientific side of 'a test is a test'. But wow, did the word 'offered' make for a different conception of my doctors experience. I felt less entitled to the truth, and more spun into a million factors of existence.
Its Mira who asked me simply to trust in the world. So I want to trust that I got all these blood tests for free, and not feel guilty about it, and not feel entitled to it, or not feel pressure that I necessarily need to help others because I was helped. I wish to feel as though my value as a human being enabled me to have access to much needed results. But that's not how it works - and I am hung up on why I was helped and why it was free to me. I didn't get those results before and by no means has everything been given me that I need just because I am a worthy human, that simply doesn't exist. You perhaps are given your basics of food, water, shelter as a result of being human, but some people don't even get that. Maybe you aren't even necessarily granted respect.
I want to feel grateful for all these things that I have been given - free car, free housing, free education, free/very cheap access to medical care. I can't though, its hard, I end up thinking of all the things I lack and feeling pitiful. I feel distrustful over these free things, that something is wrong or bad that I'm getting them for free. But if its as Mira said, I was offered them, maybe I can disregard some of the conflict over it being free, and be thankful. If anyone gave me a gift, I would say thank you, I wouldn't normally question it this much and get all knotted up in guilt. I wouldn't get caught under mountains of shame at how much I was given and how little I used or shared with others. I would be excited to open it, I would be delighted at being an object of appreciation, I would cherish it, and I would be generous with it. I wish to be generous with my gifts I have been offered.
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