I am noticing an issue from many of the teachings that I've gone to. Its actually made me pretty disinterested in self help in the forms of teachings or writings like that of Pema Chodron.
It seems like there's this almost constant reference to 'the way all people act' and its added to by using the term 'we' and by talking generally about universal human issues or ways of being.
Its very ingrained in the self help talking style, for example: 'You know when you just hold onto your anger, just because?' 'We are so focused on consumerism, on buying the next thing', 'We always have to be the best', 'We suffer because we have deluded thinking'.
But its odd, because I would think that everyone reacts to these things differently. Maybe some people do want to buy, buy, buy. But is it that simple? Most people I know who do self help don't shop all the time, and they shop at thrift or consignment stores anyway. We suffer because we have deluded thinking? Well, actually, everyone is at a different stage of their thinking maturity. Some suffer because their physical pain hurts. Some suffer because they act out and receive consequences, some suffer because they are in abusive situations. True, this is all suffering.
I would rather be given examples. Concrete examples - a person who is suffering in some way, what specific thoughts were delusional, what could have been done differently. If the situation is very specific and not of immediate applicability to me, then I can expand it to encompass what I have been through. But I can't really take something that's such a generalization and act like it makes so much sense in my life.
The problem is, you can't wrap your head around a generalization in a meaningful way. You hear it, but it doesn't sink in. Its around you but you can't really pick it up and wear it. It might be nice to hear a generalization once in a while to remember that you are normal. But for teachings to be so off in generalizations is a pity.
And this is how I came around to deciding that my ideals were in fact just a generalization, and were in fact causing me to suffer.
Here's how: My ideals are so high that they resemble perfection. Since its an ideal, its supposed to be enacted all the time.
I want to be perfectly kind (always), giving (always), think kindly of others (always), speak kindly of others (always), be creative (always), eat healthy (always), exercise (always), speak out against whats wrong (always), be inclusive (always), be excitable and fun (always), be curious and eager to learn and do (always).
And so I disappoint myself because I can't live up to my ideals. I get irritated and therefore am not enacting my ideal of being genial, always. I get fed up and so I eat, so I fall short of my ideal of staying thin and eating well.
My ideals have resulted in my disappointment in falling short of them. And again, the anger at myself - that I can't hold myself to my ideals because of my lacking, my issues. I would have acted differently nicer if I felt included, etc, but I didn't because its my fault that I don't fit in with them, etc. Its always my fault.
I'm not kidding, I need to lower my standards.
This month I attended services of Yom Kippur - the Jewish day of Atonement and remembrance. This holiday is very serious - the chanting is slow, the words are heartbreaking.
I dread the day of Yom Kippur services because I get so sad during it.
Its a day of ideals. Its a full day of thinking about what you have done wrong this past year, and needing to forgive those who have hurt you, and vowing to do better next year. To be a better person in the upcoming new year.
Everything about me depresses from the weight of such seriousness, of my misdoings, and of my future need to act better.
Have you guessed the problem? Acting better, being better, is an ideal. Its a generalization, its untouchable and it dwarfs me. Its not something I can live up to. You can always be an even better person even while you are being better person.
Yom Kippur was different for me this year. I didn't get myself so down. I didn't pay attention strongly to what was said, and as I result I didn't hurt myself by focusing on what I've done wrong. I didn't sink under the ideal of trying to do better. I didn't get caught in the circular argument that is really a downward spiral of 'I need to be better - make more friends, but I can't because I lack friends to make other friends with, but I lack because I'm inadequate which is why I don't have friends, I suck, I need things to be better, I need more friends, but I can't help myself'.
That's what my therapist termed, 'the bind'. And it makes you feel stuck, and stuck is the opposite of moving forward. And somewhere in there, ideals and high expectations are maintaining the bind, and generalizations aren't helping any.
Being better is not attainable. Perfection is not attainable. But it puts so much pressure on you to reach an ideal, of behaving perfectly. The pressure is undue. Unless you are expertly compassionate with yourself for not reaching high expectations, you are going to keep feeling the pressure to keep jumping to reach ideals, you are going to keep ending up on the ground, and you are going to get tired and worn down.
I just sat through the service. I wasn't particularly interested in self help that day.
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