I guess relevancy is something I'm still struggling with. But this time, the hampering shadow cast by irrelevancy has a somewhat different overlook. My previous post poked fun at my frazzled reactions to the irrelevancy of people's tangential conversations. Currently, I am writing with more unease of the prefoudn irrelevancy of my thoughtstream. It causes me to be unavailable to that conspicuous, sharp thing that is the present moment. The present, while in the most simplistic sense is unavoidable, is at the same time merely tenuously in my relatable grasp as it competes with the ravishing distraction that is my brain.
I went to a beginners meditation retreat at the Davis Shambhala center, that consisted of two entire days of meditating, mixed between sitting and walking meditations, unguided. Naturally, I had an impressive, or rather unending, amount of time on my hands to spend thinking, or at the least, mind-wandering. Unfortunately, it seems that is contrary to the goal of Buddhist meditating; you are trying to clear your mind of thoughts and simply be at peace with the present. It comes with its own set of challenges inherent in starting something new and unnatural. As expected, you are bored, restless, and in fact discouraged by the unpeaceful sentiments running through your head. You notice in your heightened mental awareness, unrelieved by any distractions, that your mind seems severely and devoutly trained to think, constantly, regardless of your grand goal to sit and just - sit. This is why meditating is known as a practice - an art, something to be worked at - rather than a naturally occurring condition unique to Buddhists.
Irrelevancy / relevancy came up again as a theme for me during one of many hours persevering through meditation. Here's why: I was having an incredibly difficult time of trying to clear my mind of thoughts. My mind was cluttered, brim full of excess thoughts, and whirring, like usual. I usually don't try to stop it because the effort expounded is actually tumultuous and catastrophic in witnessing my failure in derailing my thought process. Well at some point I fought with my mind for control of my thoughts versus thought wander and I came to an interesting conclusion: my thoughts themselves are irrelevant. They are the epitome of irrelevancy, they are the bulwark of irrationality: they (usually) have nothing to do with the present moment. You see, while I am busy being lost in thought wander, my zipping thoughts filter endlessly through my unresolved past. They replay and ruminate on recent past or long dead past moments of my existence. . For others, their thoughts may take the place of anxiety towards future situations, old arguments, upcoming stressors, fears, angers, you name it. The result of these excess of thoughts is shaming the present into taking place on the back burner, creating a perpetually unfulfilled present- not to mention future.
I was sitting there in meditation, fuming my way through interminably slow hours. I realized that my thoughts themselves were totally irrelevant to the present moment. Literally, none of the things I was thinking about was happening now, it was all in the past. So what is relevant when you're just sitting? I'll tell you whats not relevant - whats going on in your head. Whats relevant is whats going on in your body, because your body is immersed in the present, maybe to the same degree that your mind often isn't. Your mind can wander but your body can't, as counter intuitive as that sounds.
I think there must be some salvation in being more aware of your body. In one important respect, it can distract your mind from your mind's eternal frustrations. And at the most, living through your body can enable you to live life more fully because senses are exciting, and there is more you going on that you have to appreciate than your mind would falsely lead you to believe. Your body is living in the present whether you pick up on it or not - your nerves feeling the air temperature, smelling the air lets you catch whiffs of your surroundings, your ears can pick up on sounds, you can feel rain or shine, heat or cold, not to mention the explosion of taste buds. What was relevant as I sat there meditating? What was relevant was listening to the feeling of my breath inside my body, the gentle inhale and exhale it makes as I am sustained, as I exist.
I even coined a term for it- 'ear-ellevancy' (irrelevancy). It reminds me that when irrelevant thoughts come to mind, attempt to discard them as 'irrelevant' and put my focus on my ears, ie. my senses. My ears- what I'm hearing, or seeing, or with eyes closed, feeling, is what is relevant in meditation. But its also what it relevant in every day life- its incredibly skewed how much we live in our heads versus our bodies. In some ways, I think that what the body senses is the only real truth in that its just senses; its until it hits the mind that senses and perceptions become judgements. I want to live less judgmentally and I also don't want my life to be ruled out of my mind. My mind is unfortunately the basis of criminal irrelevancy, and I don't want to live an irrelevant existence. Rather, I want to be present and engaged in the present, available to others, perceptive and willing to take on challenges or opportunities the present hurls at me. The more I can focus on body senses, the more I can be in the process of learning to live through discernment, not judgement, and in the moment. Too bad I'm forced to live a hypocrite through my troubling OCD-like mind.
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